cl-drellenk: Hi everyone! This is Dr Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D. I wrote the book, The 10 Second Kiss. Some of my other books are Lite His Fire and Lite Her Fire as well as Sex after Kids.
TWNmisspiggy: Sex after kids? Are you kidding me? You can really do that after you have kids?
cl-drellenk: I am amazed at how many people love each other, but don't kiss passionately anymore. I would like everybody here to grab their mate and give them a passionate 10 second kiss. When they ask what's gotten into you, you can tell them you heard this from an author on iVillage and you are not going to be roommates anymore, from now on the two of you will be lovers again.
OP_Mrs.Mic: iVillage is giving away ONE free autographed copy of Dr. Kreidman's book. So join in the fun and YOU might be the lucky member!
TWNmisspiggy: Wow I think I need that book. We haven't had a kiss like that in seven years.
cl-drellenk: Nnorma, men are very visual and you can create a very sexy atmosphere by wearing lingerie or by changing the lighting and setting the mood.
Nnorma: Hey, sounds like a plan, cl-ddrellenk, I'll try it.
cl-drellenk: Misspiggy, the kiss is the core of a relationship. It's the barometer of how things are going, a peck on the cheek says I love you but a 10 second kiss says "I'm still in Love with you." If you do it in the morning it sets the tone for the rest of the day and if you do it in the evening it sets the mood for the rest of the night. Also, toward the end we will be having a contest exercise for everyone, so don't leave before we have a chance to do this.
Lisa: I love to kiss passionately with my husband.
cl-drellenk: Lisa -- I'm glad to see that there is somebody out there that is kissing passionately. I have been married 32 years and we still kiss passionately.
salsa7: So how many times a day should you 10 minute kiss?
cl-drellenk: salsa -- its not 10 minutes, it's 10 seconds and you should do it at least once a day every single day! But if you can do a 10 minute kiss, go for it! Let me talk just a little bit and we will get to questions after that. Let me tell you my formula for a passionate romantic relationship.
TWNmisspiggy: I have my notes ready.
Hydra: I have my pen and paper ready.
cl-drellenk: It appears in the chapter headings of my The 10 Second Kiss. Its the 10 second kiss everyday, the 5 second compliment every day, the 20 second hug everyday, the 30 minute talk everyday, now I leave the frequency in the part of the formula up to you. The 60 minutes of seduction, the 2 hour fantasy, the 3 minute quickie and the 2 minute belly laugh. Is there anybody out there doing all of these things? Now let's start with each one of the topics. We all want to matter, that is why everyone announces their home coming with "hi honey I'm Home." What we really want is for our mate to tell use why we really matter, why they are important in our life, they want to hear it everyday not just once.
Emjay: Go cl!
Ldyhwke31: I agree cl.
cl-drellenk: When your head hits the pillow at night ask yourself, "Have I made the people I love most feel good, have I given them a compliment?" If the answer is no then you owe them two the next day.
cl-drellenk: Lady Hawk you have a question??
Ldyhwke31: Yes, I know of a couple that's been together seven years and the woman is very unhappy. He works form four in the afternoon till three in the morning. Can they make it work? What could they do?
cl-drellenk: ldyhwke -- they can remember why they fell in love in the first place. Most couples forget that it's the action that causes the attraction. What they did was kiss, talk, hug, spend time with each other and make each other feel special. If a couple is not doing those things now, how can they still be in love? That's why,at the end of every chapter of my books and tapes, I give the homework assignment, though it's not the kind you got in school.
TWNmisspiggy: Yes, how can you do this if you don't love yourself? I really love hubby, but I hate me.
cl-drellenk: misspiggy -- we always wait until we feel loving before we do something loving and my advice is always to do the loving things without feeling it and the loving feelings will follow.
TWNmisspiggy: So you are telling me to do it for him and it will come for me? I feel bad about it so I guess I take it out on him.
cl-drellenk: Here's an example-- before you kiss, you feel embarrassed, tense, annoyed or distant, but I promise you, if you kiss like you did in the beginning, you will feel close, warm and connected. We don't need to feel anything before in order to kiss. In fact, if you don't feel sexy or romantic right now, I want you to pretend that you do. And you will find that what starts out as pretense becomes real. Carry Grant was once interviewed and asked, "How did you become this sexy man that every women wants?" He said, "When I was a gawky, awkward teenager I was a ladies' man and I don't know when my pretend self became my real self." So a person that is shy and awkward can pretend that they are not and when they get the response from their mate the will get the feeling afterward. Misspiggy, do you think what I said will help at all?
TWNmisspiggy: Yes I will try it, but right now is kind of a hard time for us.
cl-drellenk: misspiggy, what happened in your life that changed you?
TWNmisspiggy: I lost a child to sids and we're fight about it right now
cl-drellenk: misspiggy -- there has to be a period of grieving and mourning. There is no substitute for time. You will be in pain and hurting for awhile, but little by little it will get better.
TWNmisspiggy: So if I still try this do you think it will help us? I will try when he gets home and I'll let you know. Thank you for the help.
cl-drellenk: misspiggy -- absolutely, the biggest thing I can tell you is you don't have to feel loving in order to say or do something loving, it can be small step and maybe just a small compliment at this point. Letting your husband know that in spite of everything you're glad he is still there. Good luck.
Nnorma: Do you think people change over the years and have different needs as life goes on?
cl-drellenk: Nnorma -- Yes, but let me tell you the best piece of advice you will ever get on relationships. We all fall in love because of the way we feel about ourselves when we are with our mate. When we no longer feel good, we will try to find somebody else who will make us feel good. That is what an affair is all about, it's not that the person is in love with someone else, it's that they're in love with is the way they feel about themselves when they're with the other person. It really takes so little to keep passion and love alive in a relationship.
Nnorma: How do you know if all has died with your present partner if you feel nothing?
cl-drellenk: Nnorma, instead of talking and thinking, why not do something? When you get off the computer tonight or tomorrow morning, when your mate expects a little peck or nothing, grab him and give him a passionate 10 second kiss and see what he does. Too many people get caught up thinking instead of doing.
cl-drellenk: Why not make an "I Love You Call," and call your mate just to tell them you are thinking about them and how lucky you are to have them in your life.
oneofeach99: I have been with dh for 20 years now. I'm bored.
cl-drellenk: The best way to not have a boring relationship is to not be a boring person. Why not do something outrageous and out of character, something that will knock his socks off? As soon as you so much as think about doing something different, you will be scared, nervous and excited, but you won't be bored anymore.
shells1: My boyfriend and I are not demonstrative people. The way we try to tell each other that we want to make love is to wrestle each other to the ground. I need more, even though the matches are fun. Any ideas?
cl-drellenk: Shells, inside every man there is a little boy and inside every woman, there is a little girl waiting to come out and play. The man or women that knows how to be playful is a joy in someone's life. I always ask couples when was the last time you laughed with your mate, a pillow fight, a game of tag or a snow ball fight.
Flannel: I went through a pretty awful divorce a few years back, and now I've met someone wonderful and fabulous and all that great stuff but he lives in Boston. I'm not sure how to proceed. I am so fearful of being hurt AGAIN. I'm from PA. We are over 300 miles apart.
cl-drellenk: Flannel, I can't tell you how many people shut themselves off from having another relationship because they are so afraid of being hurt again. I truly believe that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all. Every relationship that ends teaches you a lesson, even if it's about what you don't want the next time. Just so everyone knows, Fai34 just won a copy of my book that will be autographed personally for her.
tree6199: My husband and I love each other very much, but neither one of us feels like having sex that much. Is this normal? We have 2 kids.
cl-drellenk: Yes, it is, but if you wait until you're in the mood to have sex the kids will be 21 years old.
tree6199: So what do you do, just do it anyway?
cl-drellenk: You need my book Is There Sex after Kids. Most of the time, when I get interviewed, the interviewer asks me how could I possibly have written a book when the answer is obviously no, but this is what I tell parents: the best gift that you give your children is a loving relationships with each other. The happiest, most well adjusted children come from a home where mommy and daddy love each other. They'll be gone someday, and if you don't pay attention to your mate, they won't pay attention to theirs.
tree6199: That's true. Sometimes it's so hard to stop being mommy!
cl-drellenk: But that's exactly right, you have to stop being mommy and daddy and become lovers once in awhile. In the beginning, you saw each other as a man and women. Later on, we become so entrenched in the role of mommy and daddy that we forget to be lovers.
tree6199: It's so funny. For the first two years, we couldn't stop having sex!
cl-drellenk: That's why I have a lovers program for parents. One night a week must be date night, just for the two of you. Once every three months you have an over night stay at a hotel. And once a year you take a one week vacation. I know what I am talking about because I have been married for 32 years and have three grown and well-adjusted children. Everything I tell you is for your children's sake.
tree6199: Great advice! Sometimes you feel guilty going away without the kids, but I guess you have to forget about them.
cl-drellenk: The magical formula for a relationship filled with passion, pleasure and playfulness is: 10 second kiss every day, 5 second compliment everyday, 20 second hug every day, 30 minute talk everyday. I leave the frequency in the next part of the formula up to the couple, but once in a while there must be 60 minutes of seduction, a two hour fantasy, a three minute quickie and a two minute belly laugh. If you do all these things you will have a chance at a rewarding and fulfilling life. Okay, last question for the night will be from Fai34.
Fai34: I have been divorced for five years and I think the same thing can be said for a single parent, can't it? Recently I have been going out with friends and the occasional date -- living again -- and I have found that I can deal with the kids much better during the week.
cl-drellenk: Absolutely. The best gift you give your child as a single parent is a happy mother. Remember this: if you don't have a love affair with your mate, somebody else out there will. I hope everyone enjoyed the chat tonight and that I helped just one person to learn more about what The 10 Second Kiss is all about. Remember, you can read more about it on the Relationships channel front. Have a wonderful evening everyone and don't forget to give the 10 second kiss to your mates!
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