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Face it: New Year’s Resolutions are piecrust promises: easily made, easily broken. (Shout out to Mary Poppins.) Lose weight. Work out. Spend less. Those lofty goals are pretty much all down the groundhog’s burrow well before February. So why even go there? Let’s make 2013 all about managing expectations, instead. So when someone asks, "What are your New Year's resolutions?" recite from this list. “In 2013, I resolve to..."
1. Hit the snooze button only once. Okay, twice.
2. Stretch a pint of ice cream into at least three single servings. Two if it's been a rough week.
3. Start a petition for Clapper technology for cell phones and keys.
4. Get husband/boyfriend/roommate/landlord to deliver coffee in bed every day.
5. Justify love of yoga pants by striking some kind of pose while wearing them.
6. Curse out bad drivers only twice per outing. After reaching quota, do deep breaths in yoga pants.
7. Bring wine bottle to living room instead of glass to kitchen.
8. Lick Doritos/Cheetos fingers in private. Keep it classy.
9. Eat sitting down. Not watching TV. Not while looking at Lady Porn.
10. Refrain from looking at Lady Porn: Real estate, expensive shoes, diamond jewelry. (Use this newfound time to eat dinner with your family).
11. Keep handbags smaller than carry-on luggage.
12. Pay for cash purchases in all $1s. (It adds an air of mystery).
13. Never bet your life on anything. $10 should cover it.
14. Sleep naked more. See what happens.
15. Cut off lectures from Mom at three minutes (or less) by yelling 'grease fire' and hanging up.
16. For every Justin Bieber song you're 'forced' to listen to, listen to one Stevie Wonder track (or at least to someone over 21!).