Herein you will find polite excuses that may be employed to help keep a lover's wild tongue in its cage and your relationship on track:
- The Public Nuisance: "Whoa there, Nellie, we don't want to frighten the horses. I'm all for PDA, but please let's keep it G-rated for the kids' sake."
- The Bored Game: "I know this really cool game. You have to kiss each other without touching anything except lips, and that includes tongue and all other body parts. Wanna play?"
- Foreplay for Fools: "Honey, I just want you to lie back, relax and let me do all the work. You don't have to move an inch. No, I mean it, don't move!"
- The Doctor's Note: "My dentist said that due to my root canal, no foreign objects may enter my mouth, except through a straw."
- The Barry White: "Aaaaw yeah, baby, I just love your beautiful supple lips, ooooh, they're so round and red, oh oh oh, I wanna love them all night long, reeeeeal soft and reeeeeal slow, baby."
- The Blunt Instrument: "I enjoy the wet one every now and again, but people are starting to wonder about the teeth marks. Please be gentle with me from time to time. Now kiss me, you fool!"
Excerpted from Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen by Em and Lo. Reprinted by arrangement with Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA). Copyright © Nerve.com, Inc., 2004. Available wherever books are sold.