In 2009, I do hereby resolve...

…to help my four month old niece, Maia, look slimmer and hotter in her holiday pics by introducing her to Photoshop) – it worked for Baby Courtney. Seriously, Baby C, could ya wash your face a little more so you don’t have so much acne?! And can you try to brighten the whites of your eyes while you’re at it? Adults need to be able to look at you without gagging. only swallow “girly” vitamins made specifically to help me cultivate dewy skin and not – I repeat, NOT – to help my muscles grow strong. 

…to incorporate abdominal crunches into my sex life

…to shop regularly at Avenue, especially after they did this.

…to pose in a bikini on a magazine cover…but only after popping out three kids!

...ok, I can resolve to give Faith a break. stop asking my Personal Assistant for naked spray tans.

…to urge women with cellulite to never, ever venture out of their homes unless properly covered, lest they offend the lump-free paparazzi.

…to support Eva Longoria Parker in her endeavors to finally shed that baby bump she calls a stomach.

…to finally nail down my body type as a “bell,” “skittle” or “column” and then dress it up as hot as possible.

…to promote the public discourse of cleavage in any way possible. 

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