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Do you ever wonder what makes some women great lovers? For many, bedroom satisfaction is a confidence issue that comes down to one question: "Am I doing it right?" But the real question is are you doing it right for your man? Whether your partner is new, temporary or your partner for life, your best bet for bedroom bliss is covering the basics first.
If you want to improve your sexual technique, set aside some time with your partner to talk over what he likes in bed (preferably over a latte or a glass of merlot rather than under the satin sheets). As a sexologist, I can assure you that the more you know, the better a lover you can be. Need some help getting started? Here are three surefire tips for pleasing any man in bed. Take a look at the techniques described below, then bring these ideas to the table when you talk to your man about your sexual wishes.
Many men report that they would like their partner to learn how to talk dirty. It can feel very awkward to use language in the throes of your passion that makes you wince on the street. But using sexual slang can be a vital turn-on for your lovemaking forays.
Technique Tips: I used to run workshops for sex educators. One activity in those workshops included a small group activity on sexual terms. Each of the five groups was given a large newsprint paper with a technical term written at the top, such as breast, penis, vagina, sexual intercourse, buttocks and oral sex. In five minutes they wrote on that sheet all of the slang terms they could think of (without censoring). After each group had completed the exercise, one by one, each group chanted out loud all the terms. If there was one term that they sort of choked on saying, they repeated it. After saying them all aloud, in front of the rest of the workshop participants, everyone in the room was howling and had become comfortable with sexual language of all kinds. You can practice something similar alone or with your sweetie to get comfy using "dirty" words. Another great way to become desensitized to the sting of certain words is to watch adult films. Most porn videos use sexual slang, as those words provoke arousal in male viewers. Claim the power of sexual talk for your own gain. Use sexual talking to add tension and playful energy to your erotic connection with your lover, and you'll experience an improved level of sexual response for you both.
Top Tip: Try saying the words aloud to yourself in the mirror before you practice them with your partner.
A Hands-On Approach
If there's one thing that you probably never learned in health classes at school, it's how to touch the most private parts of a man. You may have learned about the shapes, parts and tubing in Anatomy 101, but I'll bet you never learned how to please a man by using your hands on his genitals. This skilled handiwork can be your best ally in bed, especially when you are tired or not in the mood. Sharing this intimate moment without having to engage in more intense sexual pleasure is a good option, especially if you are new to sex, newly involved with this lover or ambivalent about going further with this partner. Even for long-term married couples, a quick finger-dance can bring joy to your relationship with minimal effort.
Technique Tips: Many men enjoy being touched sensually on their penis and scrotum (the sac that contains the testicles). The male's sexual anatomy really includes more than just the penis. Yes, men often enjoy being stroked, rubbed or caressed, gently or hard, up and down, on their penile shaft, the head of their penis (corona), at the little hot spot on the underside of the penis where the foreskin folds together (frenulum) or along the flat ridge between where the scrotum hangs down and the anal opening. Some men find ecstasy being touched on the anus or even having a finger probe internally for a prostate massage.Just as with any sexual practice, ask your guy what works for him. If you don't feel comfortable talking openly about it, then watch for physical signs and cues. Men often find great joy in having a hand around their penis, or fingers stroking just the head of it or even a little tickling on their testicles. As you continue to manually stimulate him, you may notice that he is getting harder and longer and that his testicles are lifting -- all signs of arousal. Those are your messages that what you are doing is working. If you want to get more sophisticated with your manual touch, explore him with different styles of touch: hard, soft, light, circular, up and down, lightly using fingernails, using a silk scarf, dry or with a personal lubricant -- whatever comes to mind. The goal is not necessarily an orgasm, but to provide sensual pleasure. Ask him if he wants you to complete this as a sexual act, releasing him to orgasm, or just tease him for more pleasure later as you progress.
Top Tip: Going beyond the penis and caressing more of his body parts (the shaft, scrotum, anus and more) might mean more pleasure for him --and more satisfaction for you.
A Little Oral Action
If there is one thing that many men crave from their woman, it's oral stimulation. Known by various names, such as "blow job," "going down," etc., the technique of putting your mouth around his penis can send a man to the heavens. Perhaps there is still a lingering taboo around such behavior that adds juice to the sheer idea of it. The fact remains that this is a perfectly acceptable way to give and receive pleasure as long as it is by consent between two adults with safer sex practices used. Studies show that certain STDs can be transmitted by oral sex, including the life-threatening HIV/AIDS. Using a condom for oral sex usually requires creative use of lickable brands, such as those with mint or other flavoring. It is sexy to be safe. Using protection, even with what appears to be a harmless act, is smart sex.
Technique Tips: Just as with your handiwork, your mouth can touch the many erogenous zones of the male's body. Some men enjoy it when you lightly lick or flick your tongue on sensitive areas, such as the tip of the penis's head. Others delight in a hard sucking motion (slowly or vigorously) over the penis while your hand strokes up and down their shaft. Even playfully biting the penile head, shaft and the scrotum can be pleasing to your man. Vary his pleasure by changing your positions, movements and techniques frequently. If one behavior seems to excite him more than others, focus on that aspect of your oral repertoire. Be sure to ask your guy if he wants you to release his penis when he reaches orgasm. It's a good idea to decide in advance if you are willing to swallow his seminal fluids. Most women will yell and scream that they don't want to complete the act in this way. Some will tell you that this is their most intimate moment in sexual exchange. You have to decide what's right for you. Remember, if you are using oral technique on your lover and allowing him to ejaculate into your mouth, you are at greater risk for an STD.
Top Tip: Experiment by moving your head in different positions or placing your tongue at different angles.
Find More Tips: One of my favorite sex educators is the adult film star Nina Hartley. Her videos are playful, upbeat, real and honest, with entertaining demonstrations of how to be a good lover. (Find her videos at AdamEve.com or at YourSexCoach.com). A good video is "The Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking," which shows multiple ways for producing oral pleasure, available at YourSexCoach.com. I also suggest the book How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Time-Tested Techniques That Will Blow His Mind by Lou Paget.