30 days of GREAT SEX

Step 4: Talk About Sex

Now that we are up to step three of our sojourn into better sex, let's review the past two steps. Are you keeping up your Love Journal? This is a method to document your sexual journey and to learn the truth about your sex-related patterns. Tracking your thoughts, feelings, sensations and activities will confirm or demystify your beliefs about how sex affects your life, and vice versa. Spending the last step focusing on the sensual should have given your senses the pump they deserved to bring your daily life to the cliffs of new pleasures. If not, you are not indulging your senses enough. So go back and study! If you have yet to follow the plans for steps one and two, stop here and go back. You'll be glad you did.

One element that keeps surfacing in my discussions with clients about healthy intimate relationships is the art of communication. Communication really is the key for a long-term, lasting and growing relationship. And it's my observation that for most women the aspect of being in a healthy, intimate relationship is the foundation for great sex. Thus, communication is important to a great sex life.

What I'd like you to do now is to spend at least one day watching what you say. I did this once in a workshop and it truly changed my life! It can do the same for you. During that day, catch (and stop) yourself whenever you begin to blame your partner, or when you start complaining to him/her.

Without those elements of speech, the whole world of communication will transform into one of empowerment and openness, and you will find a fresh way of thinking, talking and relating. Imagine going a whole day, week or, better yet, lifetime without ever making an excuse or blaming your partner or yourself. This is not to say that you shouldn't communicate your desires to your mate -- you should, and often! The more openly, directly and intimately you speak about sex, the better your sexual experience can be.

Here's a tip for how to do this exercise successfully: Speak from the personal, forming statements or questions that begin with the word "I." For example, if you are tired of not getting the kind of attention you desire before sleep, instead of saying, "You never touch me anymore," why not say, "Honey, you know, I'd really like it if you would touch me like you used to. Could you just give me a backrub for a few minutes while we lie close?" That way, he doesn't feel the stinging arrows from one of the three killers of intimate talk (blaming, complaining and explaining) that usually succeed in pushing away the one you love.

Now let's get to another aspect of sexual communication. If you are like thousands of women (and some men), the sheer act of "talking dirty" may send you screaming into the night. I have coached many women to say sexy words and to feel confident and sexy when they say them. Practicing alone in front of a mirror is a good way to grow comfortable before you utter such things to your lover. This week, focus on what you say and how you say it. Say aloud (about ten times) those words that make you queasy, and you will discover how they lose their negative spin over time. Watch adult movies or listen to erotic stories on tape for some excellent examples. I like a series edited by Susie Bright called Herotica, which is available at www.goodvibes.com. It's also available in book form if you want to share a stimulating bedtime story with your partner!

Share your experiences with other iVillagers in the Ask the Sex Coach discussion group!

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