30 days of GREAT SEX

Step 5: Focus on Your Fantasies

Welcome to our final stretch on the road to great sex. Have you done all the other steps? If not, stop here and do yourself a favor by going back and doing them. If so, hang on as we round the corner into the last step along the way: fantasy.

In my many years of coaching women and couples, I am always amazed to find that most women (unless they are seasoned explorers of their eroticism) have a tough time with sexual fantasies. Many have not read any of the recent explosion of books for, and often by, women. Some of the titles you may want to peruse are My Secret Garden and Women on Top by Nancy Friday; the Herotica series, edited by Susie Bright; the Masquerade series by Charlotte Rose and Shared Intimacies by Barbach and Levine. These books will give you new ideas, reinforce your right to fantasize about anything you desire and add zest to your lovemaking.

Did you know that fantasy doesn't necessarily lead to behavior? If you're afraid to fantasize because you think it automatically means that you have to act out your thoughts and maybe go beyond your comfort zone, don't worry. Fantasies are ideas -- they live in the mind and can remain there if that's where you want them to stay. If both partners desire, then fantasies can be teased out of the mind. It's your call. It's safe, healthy and fun to get in touch with your fantasy side. So let's go!

If you have never thought about your own sexual fantasies, this is your chance. Get out your Love Journal and set aside some time to do the following this week: First, write down a list of memories that you can use as sexual fantasies. Use images of real-life alluring men that have rung your bell, or movie stars you've seen in roles that struck a chord in you, such as Mel Gibson in Braveheart. If you don't have such a memory, write down the description of your perfect fantasy partner -- with buff bod, thick, wavy mane, velvety voice, clean smell, toothy smile and Mensa-eligible brains. Next, write down all the activities that you'd like to fantasize about doing with this partner. Once you have these lists in place, you can reference them and fill your mind with new ideas. In case you get stuck on this exercise, here's a sample fantasy: Imagine yourself dressed in harem garb in a billowy tent under a starry sky, feeling the balmy breezes of a desert night, with your prince by your side, caressing you gently, speaking words of passion into your ear. You draw his eyes, lips and body to yours. Get the drift?

If you are really daring, invite your partner to do this same exercise, and share what you write. Be careful not to hurt each other by spending an inordinate amount of time focusing on other people or on the attributes that turn you on that you know your lover will never match. Identifying fantasies, talking about them (if you wish) and then testing the waters to try new things will add sparkle to your nights. Be open-minded and work with your partner to reach a compromise, if necessary, regarding acting out each other's fantasies. Enrich your relationship by enlarging your mind's capacity for creative fantasy and watch how your intimate world may blossom.

Share your experiences with other iVillagers in the Ask the Sex Coach discussion group!

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