Before you even consider dating again, you need to make sure you're past the "walking wounded" stage following your relationship breakdown. Here are some clues to let you know you've arrived:
- the thought of your ex no longer generates intense feelings of anger, hatred, or grief
- you no longer feel the need to talk about him/her ad nauseam to whoever will listen;
- revenge fantasies just don't excite you anymore
- you've noticed that days/weeks/months go by when you don't think of him/her at all.
If you have truly laid your last relationship to rest, congratulations! Assuming you're interested in doing so, you may be ready to dip your toes back into the dating pool. There may be one more crucial obstacle to hurdle first, however: your relationship with yourself.
During and after divorce, your self-esteem can take a real beating -- especially if the split was your ex's idea. If you don't think you're a pretty great person with lots to offer the world (at least most of the time: no one can maintain this level of self-confidence and perkiness 24/7), you need to work on rebuilding your self-esteem before you go out in search of a soulmate.
You may have heard that you have to love yourself before others will love you. Although this is good idea (for reasons I'll outline below), it isn't, strictly speaking, true. Even if you totally despise yourself, you can always dig up a few poor souls willing to love you -- or at least, start an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with you. If the sucker you've attracted is a genuinely nice person, you'll end up despising them. "After all," you think, "I am a completely unattractive, useless excuse for a human being. If this person loves me, he/she must be a total idiot. What a loser: choosing someone as awful as me!" The only person you'll fall for is someone willing to treat you as the loathsome pimple you consider yourself to be. And you can imagine how this emotional S&M relationship will go. Don't even go there!
So the first thing to do is to restore your self-confidence to a healthy level. At the same time, you should work on discovering your new, single identity. One of the opportunities offered by divorce is the chance to re-invent yourself: either as the person you were before marriage, or the person you've always wanted to be. You need to find out who you are now before you can start looking for someone to date.
Worried about dipping back into the dating pool? Click here for the steps to keep you afloat on your first date:
- Get Confident
- Flirt Like It's Your Job
- Keep Your Date Interested
- Make a Graceful Exit
Get ConfidentDuring your marriage, you probably made some accommodations and compromises for the sake of the relationship. Let's say you used to love to dance/race motorcycles/go white-water rafting, but your mate strongly disapproved, so you stopped doing those things. You now need to look at how you choose to spend your time and make new decisions based on your own desires. Pretend that you're a fascinating person that you've just met and would like to get to know better. Ask yourself some questions. For instance:
- Do I prefer the Backstreet Boys or Harry Connick Jr.?
- What are my feelings about modern art?
- Would I rather go bowling or mountain-climbing?
- As a romantic gift, would I prefer a personal love poem and flowers, or diamond earrings?
- Would I ever consider cosmetic surgery?
- Do I run regularly -- even if no one's chasing me?
- Do I really like nouvelle cuisine?
- Do I prefer salsa dancing to the foxtrot?
- Would I ever enter a ballroom-dancing competition?
- How do I feel about parachuting?
- Would I ever buy a $3 bottle of wine? How about a $100 bottle of wine?
- Do I prefer John Grisham to James Joyce?
- What makes me really angry?
- What makes my heart sing?
- What's the best thing about me?
- What's the worst thing about me?
- Is there anything/anyone I'd die for?
- What situations do I find intolerable?
- Do I want children in my life?
- Do I have deep religious convictions?
Don't edit: just because you've never been parachuting doesn't mean you aren't interested. And don't look to your past relationship for clues: "Well, my ex always said Garth Brooks was our favorite musician, so I guess I like Garth Brooks." It's perfectly OK to like Garth Brooks
--just make sure it's your own choice, not your ex's.
If you do this exercise right
--with affection and a genuine desire to uncover some of those dreams you suppressed during your marriage --you're sure to learn that you're a pretty darned interesting person. You may find there's a new spring in your step.
Another interesting side effect of getting to know this fabulous person who's been hiding inside you is that you'll discover you no longer desperately need to find a new romantic partner. In other words, you aren't needy. And when you're not needy, the world's your oyster
--and incidentally, you tend to attract a better class of mate.
Flirt Like It's Your JobNow that you're emotionally ready to meet your soulmate, you have to find him/her. Here's a hint: he/she probably isn't sitting on your sofa waiting to watch The West Wing with you. So you're going to have to leave your comfort zone and put yourself out there. This doesn't mean you have to start hanging out at singles bars or attending political rallies (unless you like these sorts of activities). Slowly begin to do things you like that will also get you out of the house and meeting new people. Start taking art, dance, cooking, stand-up comedy, or car-repair lessons; go to parties
And when that special someone shows up in your life, try to flirt instead of running screaming for the hills. Whole books have been written on this topic. My best advice is to lead with your strong points, even during an initial exchange. For instance, if you aren't funny (you know who you are!), don't try to tell jokes. Still, try to keep things light at first: small talk actually puts people at ease and can open the door to deeper conversations.
Here are a few more tips to set you on the path to successful flirtdom:
- Always try to look your best before engaging in flirting. If your hair is a disaster, you haven't brushed your teeth, or your mascara has run half-way down your face, you're not going to exude the cool self-confidence a successful flirt requires.
- Offer a genuine compliment. This could be physical
--"You have such beautiful eyes" --or not --"You laugh easily. That's a trait I really admire."
- If you're good at it, tell jokes (make sure they're neither dirty nor disparaging, though).
- Never brag
--not even if you've just won the Nobel Prize or the Oscar for Best Picture. Nothing demonstrates insecurity better than bragging --and it's extremely irritating to be on the receiving end of a bragger in full spate.
- Be fearless. The worst that can happen if you approach that gorgeous creature is that he/she will reject you. Contrary to what you may feel at the time, this will not kill you. The best is that you may succeed in captivating the most interesting person in the room. Isn't that worth a bit of bruised ego?
- Be interesting. To charm an interesting person, you need to be interesting. So disconnect the TV and get out there. Push your physical and emotional boundaries: whether that means trying skydiving or yoga. Also, reading some great books will help to wake up those sleepy brain cells.
- Ask for help. Ask a friend who's a great flirt to give you tips and coaching on everything from body language to ice-breakers to how to tell a joke.
Keep Your Date InterestedOkay: so one of you has gotten up the nerve to ask the other on a date. Now what?
Again, start with small talk. I don't care how much you hate it: a first date is always somewhat nerve-wracking, and small talk puts people at ease, giving them a chance to regain their balance. Usually, small talk lasts no longer than about five minutes; some people require more time, and some require less to relax.
Your next challenge is to find a topic of mutual interest to discuss. This may take a couple of attempts, so don't be discouraged if your first conversational arrow misses the mark. Try hobbies, sports (spectator and participatory), each other, movies, books, and music. Avoid politics, religion, and your ex-spouse. Of course, you're not going to lie about the fact that you're separated or divorced
So after you've bonded a little over your shared fondness for Bon Jovi, it's time to start offering and asking for a little personal information. Since a woman will normally have a few safety concerns about spending time with a man she doesn't really know, a man should let her know he's "safe" by offering some information about where he works, goes to church, works out, likes to go with his friends for a beer after work, etc. This demonstrates that you a) have a life of your own, and b) are a fairly normal guy with no big secrets (like you're actually married with three kids or that you're currently out on parole).
To sum up, here are a few first-date dos and don'ts:
- Do show up on time; tardiness shows a disregard for your date
- Do observe rules of proper hygiene: dirty hair, unbrushed teeth, and lingering B.O. are turnoffs and very disrespectful
- Do make your date laugh (preferably with you rather than at you). Tasteful jokes and comments only, please: no racist, sexist, or dirty jokes
- Do pay him/her genuine compliments
- Do listen at least as much as you talk
- Do make lots of eye contact
- Do mirror your date's body language
- Do remember to smile: dating is fun!
- Don't dress inappropriately. If you're not sure, ask
--it's less embarrassing than showing up wearing jeans when your date is formally attired
- Don't ramble on about your ex
- Don't interrogate your date. The object is to have fun while getting to know each other
--not to interview for the position of "my next spouse"
- Don't brag or lecture
- Don't fight about who picks up the check
- Don't lead with your tongue if you're trying to initiate a good-night kiss
- Don't sleep with someone on your first date.
Make a Graceful ExitIt seems ridiculous, but the issue of who picks up the check can turn a great first date into a minor nightmare. We all come to this with different assumptions: some people feel the person who asked for the date should pay; some people feel the man should always pay; some people feel it should be dutch-treat. Unfortunately, if your assumptions are different from your date's, it can generate a huge misunderstanding.
The best way to avoid this kind of incident is to establish your expectations right off the bat. When making the date, say: "I'd love to treat you to dinner. How about Luigi's on Friday night?" If this advice comes too late for you, initiate a short discussion about it during the date. You can make it impersonal by talking about a "friend's" experience: "My friend Sara had a strange experience last week. She was out on a date, and when she offered to pay half, her date became very angry with her: he accused her of thinking he was cheap, or unable to pay. She was just trying to be polite. It's so confusing these days... Do you think she was wrong to offer?" You'll bond a little on the issue of how confusing modern etiquette is, and you'll find out what your date thinks about who should pay. If your date expresses a strong opinion, try to respect it. Be gracious, and make sure you're clear on what the deal is for the next date before you go out.
The next thorny issue: to kiss or not to kiss? Well, that depends a bit on how the date has gone. If you're not interested in repeating the experience, say, "Thank you for the evening," and shake hands. Note: do not say, "I'll call you" if you have no intention of doing so. Just thank the person, and walk away. If it has gone really well, look for clues that your date wants to kiss you. These include:
- Lingering outside your car or front door
- Touching your face
- Taking both your hands and gazing into your eyes
- Leaning towards you and gazing deeply into your eyes
- Saying "I'd like to kiss you."
If your date exhibits any of these behaviors, you can offer a kiss on the cheek, or a light kiss on the lips. No tongues, and no hip-grinding! If your date doesn't pull away after the kiss, and you're equally smitten, you can offer another, slightly deeper kiss.
Regarding sex on the first date: unless you're looking for a one-night stand, don't do it. Aside from any other concerns, there are diseases you can catch that will kill you
--and you can't tell whether someone is safe by looking at them. Money and social standing is not an indicator that they're disease-free, either. When you sleep with someone, you're also sleeping with all his/her previous sexual partners --that makes a lot of people in bed with you! You cannot sleep with someone until you've had a frank talk with him/her about sex. If you're too embarrassed to discuss safe sex, you're not ready to have it.
Divorce Magazine provides advice and support for those coping with separation, divorce, and remarriage. For more tips and stories, visit www.DivorceMagazine.com.