79 Laugh-Out-Loud Ways to Get Rid of Mr. Wrong

Although Elle advice columnist E. Jean Carroll writes mostly about how to find the man of your dreams in her latest book Mr. Right, Right Now!, she reserved the last witty chapter to show women how to drive men away, which you have to admit is pretty tempting at times. But best of all, you don't have to be in the market for ridding yourself of Mr. Wrong to enjoy her hilarious suggestions below. Take a look!

Best Way #1. Always end arguments by turning some deeply private secret he's confided to you...against him. Then add, "Screw you, you slobbering half-wit!"

2. Beg him to read your journal.

3. Don't mince words. If he asks, reply, "Why, yes, dear, now that I look at it, your penis is the smallest I've ever seen in my life."

4. You know you shouldn't call him too much, so say to yourself, "I'm an adult. He's an adult. I refuse to play stupid games."

5. Call him repeatedly.

6. If he doesn't call back, email him. If he doesn't return your email, fax him a funny little joke. If he still doesn't call, drop by his office and surprise him with a "cute" card. If he's not at his office, drive to his house, wait for him at his front door and, when he arrives, tell him he can do anything he wants with you.

7. Ask him once a week, "So, where do we stand?"

8. Or, if you prefer a more dramatic scrotum-tightener, ask, "So, where do we stand as a couple?"

9. Just happen to have tickets to a play. Convince yourself the man loves plays. Call him and say, "I have two tickets to Frozen Eggs, where the actress harvests her eggs onstage and delivers a fascinating monologue about it!" Whatever you do, don't have tickets to anything exciting like a play-OFF.

10. Rarely wear high heels to bed.

11. Be the first woman in recorded history to actually tell a man exactly how many chaps she's slept with.

12. Every time he makes a joke, roll your eyes and say, "Very funny. Ha ha."

13. Count the number of days since the last time you saw him. Get so freaked-out about the number of days since the last time you saw him, spend all the time when you actually see him telling him there's been too much time since the last time you saw him and you think he'd see you more often if he only got to know the "real" you.

14. He may not want to know about the real you, but never mind. Keep telling him about the real you anyway. Chase him down the street if necessary, claw at his trousers if you must, but by all means, keep telling him all about the real you.

15. Make him watch the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

16. Fixate on the future. Focus on his taking you to the Bahamas for Valentine's Day.

17. If he does not take you to the Bahamas for Valentine's Day, act real light and breezy, and then suddenly collapse in a heap, burst into tears and inform him he has "intimacy issues."

18. Speaking of which, always cry after sex.

19. Better yet, cry during sex.

20. Criticize his mother.

21. Borrow $2,300 from him.

22. Maintain a ladylike air of dignified seriousness when snogging.

23. Ask him about his "personal feelings concerning the relationship" while he's watching the final two minutes of the seventh game of the NBA championship series. If he doesn't hear you, snap off the TV and hurl the remote out the window.

24. He'll refuse to speak to you after you've hurled the remote out the window, but so what? This is an excellent opportunity to confront him about his "fear of being inferior."

25. Do you own an old pair of baggy maroon sweatpants? Wear them.

26. Every night.

27. Blind yourself to his faults. (Of course, if you happen to see a fault by mistake, immediately point it out to him.)
28. Is he feeling a tad overwhelmed by the serious turn your affair is taking? Surprise him with loads of expensive gifts for no reason.

29. Say sweetly, "Either your idiot dog goes...or I go."

30. Withhold sex for two weeks.

31. In the first month of your affair, tell him you love riding in his Jeep with the top down. In the second month, tell him you sometimes like the top up, but you love all the windows down. In the third month, tell him to roll the top and the windows up, or he can stick his frickin' Jeep up his frickin'...(you get the picture).

32. Don't pay back the $2,300.

33. Make complicated plans for the two of you to spend lots and lots and lots of time with your parents.

34. Nag.

35. Wear his favorite shirt without asking and spill Cherry Coke on it while driving his new Lexus, which you accidentally crash into the car in front of you at a spotlight.

36. Wrap your whole life around him.

37. Reassure him that all men, uh, have, uh, difficulties in the sack, but not to worry -- you've discussed his problem with his friends, and they all think it's hilarious.

38. Giggle at his receding hairline.

39. When he calls you at your office to say he loves you and that he's going to go shoot baskets with the guys after work, inform him, "No, Humpfart. The only shooting going on will be me shooting you if you don't take that Pilates class with me at seven!"

40. Keep pestering him to explain what the Matrix is -- in the middle of it.

41. Stop shaving your legs, except when you shave your legs for "special occasions," and then use his new razor.

42. When he asks you and your kids to attend a religious service at his church/synagogue/mosque, snicker and say, "Please. Your religion is a form of child abuse."

43. Tell him oral sex makes you gag? except when he does it.

44. Believe he won't mind if you've gained 37 pounds.

45. When he's conducting an important client presentation, call him with an "emergency." When he comes on the line, tell him excitedly that your psychic just told you that you and he were married in a former life in 16th-century Scotland, and that you're destined to be together forever and ever and ever!

46. Festering resentment. Try it.

47. Continue to hold the opinion "men are babies."

48. Never tell him he makes you happy. Never say that sometimes you're so proud to be with him you want to weep for joy.

49. Drink too much at a party and vomit on his shoes.

50. Inform him that his five-year-old daughter "needs to see a therapist" because she refused to kiss you hello.

51. Never cook anything for him.

52. Refer to his car as "a piece of s**t."

53. Don't let him miss you. (I.e., spend every blessed moment with/near/on/under/over him -- particularly those blessed moments when you feel bloated and paranoid.)

54. Let him miss you too much. Rarely come home from the office until after 10:30pm.

55. Invite your most attractive girlfriends over to play croquet.

56. When dining with friends, if he begins talking about his dream of taking poor, underprivileged kids sailboating, snort and tell him he's "full of crap."

57. Get old. (I don't mean chronologically.)

58. Keep yourself informed about his activities. Call around to his friends and check up on him. When he walks in the door, sniff him over like you're a pit bull looking for a Quarter-Pounder.

59. Make him take the quizzes in ladies' mags.

60. Explain that if primal man could learn to walk upright in a mere two million years, a moron like him can walk to the incinerator with the garbage.

61. Make him go to couples therapy with you if his LMQS (Ladies' Mag Quiz Score) is lower than your sister's boyfriend's.

62. Act like the challenge before you is not to become someone but to become someone's wife.

63. Rarely be in a playful mood.

64. You know everything there is to know about him, so just smile and mentally plan the outfit you're wearing tomorrow while he's talking.

65. Never have your wallet with you.

66. Trick him, dupe him, deceive him with every breath you take -- i.e., follow The Rules.

67. When you're at a formal dance and you bump into an old beau, throw your arms around the beau's neck, hold your pelvis against his and squeal, "Oh, God! Oh, God!"

68. When you run out of things to fight about, invite his mother over to help you "organize" his closets.

69. Recently met the man of your dreams online? When you meet him in person, bring along the sweater you've knit for him.

70. Refuse to tie him up and play Slaveboy and Empress because it may "put wrinkles in your good scarves."

71. Spend as much time with your hair and makeup as you need...particularly when he's waiting in the car to take you to dinner with his boss.

72. If he's experiencing career difficulties (see #71), gently point out that when he loses this job, he'll probably never get another one.

73. If you went to a better college than he did, never let him forget it.

74. If you're worried he'll discover how "unlikable" you are once he gets to know you, start acting really, really obnoxious right now.

75. After going out four times, instruct your children to call him Daddy -- even if they are over 25.

76. If you earn more money than he does, make sure you boost his ego by letting him pay for absolutely everything.
77. When you're driving home from a party, refer to every single woman he talked to as a "famous slut."

78. Take yourself very very very seriously.

79. Let him know that every day is Judgment Day as far as you and he are concerned and that you'd rather be right than happy.

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