90210 - Same Old Zip Code

I was going to tell you that the opening scene is set to that Coldplay song but then I realized that there's so much music in these two episodes that if I start with identifying the songs, I'll never stop, plus I'm sure you can look it up somewhere online, so screw that. Anyway, a run-down maroon minivan drives down a California freeway. Inside, family members (mom, dad, son, and daughter) joke about how much moving sucks. I mention, only because I'm sure it will be a plot point, that the son (Michael from The Wire) is black while the rest of the family is white. Dad (Rob Estes) tries to cheer everyone up, and reminds his kids that they're in California to help out their grandmother, who's getting older. Daughter (Darcy from Degrassi) bitches that she's the only one that had to leave a boyfriend behind. Dad fake-cries that he actually did leave a boyfriend behind, which might be the only thing I laughed at in the first half-hour of the show. They also exposition that Dad (whose name is Harry) is the principal at the kids' new school.

They arrive at grandma's huge house and the kids are suddenly impressed and psyched about being there. Grandma (Lucille Bluth) comes out and greets the kids, Annie and Dixon. Harry gives his mother shit for drinking so early in the morning and she distracts him by complaining about the "crap wagon" parking in her driveway. Grandma Tabitha also manages to demonstrate her non-love for the kids' Mom (Lori Loughlin/Debbie).

That night, Annie and Dixon go for a swim. Dixon expositions that Annie made out with some dude named Ethan while they were out there visiting a few summers ago, and Annie says she hasn't talked to Ethan in a long time and she also has a boyfriend. Dixon is bummed that he's going to have to tell his adoption story to a whole new group of people and Annie advises him to tell them he's her brother and that's it. Yeah, I'm sure that will work.

Annie and Dixon arrive at school and gawk and whatnot. Annie spots Ethan and starts to make her way over until she realizes that he's in the process of getting a BJ. Wow, that direction was terrible -- I don't think the actor playing Ethan has ever had an orgasm before, because his facial expressions were pretty excruciatingly ridiculous.

Dixon walks into journalism class where some dude named Navid already knows all about him because he is a top reporter or some shit. They all have to shut up so that Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez (Andrea and Jesse's daughter!) can deliver the morning news. That's the last we'll see of old Hannah though. Navid also manages to drop the news that Dixon is trying out for lacrosse and our buddy Ethan, the BJ receiver, is the big lacrosse star. Gosh, I hope those two don't butt heads!

Continue reading this entry on Television Without Pity.

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