OP_Tdarden: Welcome to our special guest author chat with Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Adultery, the Forgivable Sin. She will show you how to overcome the pain of betrayal and heal the rift that adultery causes in the relationship by teaching you and your partner the gift of forgiveness.
Desaray: My husband was cheating on me too, big time!
desaray: I guess the part that bothers me still is that he could not talk to me about us, but could go to talk to a stranger.
DrBonnie: It is not unusual for your partner to find it easier to talk to a stranger. It is usually not safe for partners to talk to each other. Men are frightened of women's emotions and of them getting angry at what they say.
Desaray: We divorced and even though I want to just remember the good and be friends for the kids, it's very hard because of his attitude.
DrBonnie: There are skills you can teach your husband when he is communicating with you. You can put on an emotional bulletproof vest, so when you hear what he has to say you do not get defensive or angry. Then your husband will feel more comfortable to share his feelings with you.
Desaray: I'm so much happier with my new love, who I met online by the way, that I don't really care to think of the hell I came out of my relationship with my ex-husband.
Desaray: I think even though he doesn't realize it, my ex-husband was not happy with me, and it is all for the best.
DrBonnie: That's great that you were able to resolve it and move to a new person with minimal scars.
Desaray: There were so many other issues that troubled my past relationship. I can't pinpoint the afair as being the one bad thing. For one, he wouldn't listen to me when I talked to him.
Desaray: He was one of those people who if you said I don't like your black tie, he would say it was white.
DrBonnie: That seems to be a male thing. some pointers would be:
1. Make sure you ask for an appointment when you want to talk to him.
2. Make sure it's not during football.
3. Tell him he can take time outs during the discussion.
DrBonnie: Make it an appointment limited to 10 minutes. And ask him to put his bulletproof vest, so he doesn't take offense to the discussion.
Desaray: Good ideas.
rBonnie: This works with everyone, if you agree to sit down and do it. This is especially good for anger. So he is able to vent his anger, with permission, by appointment only, but he cannot attack you, but he can only attack your behavior.
Viggy: What is the ONE thing that a woman can look out for to know whether or not her spouse is having an afffair -- if there is ONE thing to look for?
DrBonnie: There are a few things to look for.
DrBonnie: If your partner is spending a lot of time away from home.
Viggy: Like at work?
DrBonnie: If he/she is going to work earlier and coming home later. Does the name of a particular person, like a neighbor or colleague start popping up in conversation regularly?
Viggy: He says it's overtime. He says more hours equals more money.
DrBonnie: Is he changing the way he dresses? Do you make love more or less often? Are there new sexual techniques being used?
Viggy: There is a name of a coworker that gets him VERY upset when mentioned.
DrBonnie: Is he more secretive and irritable and fault finding?
christas99: Hi, I just came on and have been dying to talk to someone about all the anger I hold from my husband having an affair.
DrBonnie: Viggy, that could be a warning sign.
Viggy: There was a time a few months back when the name did not make him upset at all.
DrBonnie: Are there any other signals?
Glamourgirl: I think that the best clue of all is your own gut instinct.
Viggy: Our fights are about his secretive behavior. He is distant at times and says nothing is wrong, but he does go out of his way to be nice.
DrBonnie: What secretive behavior is he denying?
Viggy: He won't talk and when I want to. He automatically thinks I am accusing him of something when I am not.
DrBonnie: Explain that if one person thinks there is a problem, then there is a problem.
Viggy: He won't tell me about things he does or has done until the last minute or weeks later.
DrBonnie: Tell him you want to connect to him, on a daily basis.
Viggy: Then I get mad and I become the bad guy for getting mad. He blames evrything on me.
DrBonnie: He needs to be taught how to inform you on a daily basis of things that are important to him,and things he does at work.
Viggy: Check in.? NO WAY! He thinks that he is in a hole as it is. If I don't question him, we get along great.
DrBonnie: This should take the place of him blaming you. Perhaps he is blaming you because he feels guilty.
Glamourgirl: Or worse yet, men will tell you that you're crazy for thinking that way.
Viggy: If I question ANYTHING he gets violent.
DrBonnie: The violence should be dealt with because you cannot safely have any communication where violence is involved. It is simply not safe. You need to go together to get help for the violence before you can communicate.
Viggy: It makes me so mad and he says such MEAN and awful things.
Viggy: I have this awful feeling in my gut sometimes.
DrBonnie: The secrecy and defensiveness and possible violence could be signals. Trust your gut -- especially if you feel something is going on.
Viggy: Well, gee, that was comforting.
DrBonnie: I'm sorry to be the bearer of possible bad news.
Glamourgirl: No, no. No bloodshed please. Living well is the best revenge. Trust me.
DrBonnie: That's true, living well is the best revenge.
Glamourgirl: Make him sorry he ever lost you! Go girl!
Madamcoco: My husband cheated on me last year. I came home one afternoon and he was in the shower with another woman.
DrBonnie: Are you still with him? And did he stop cheating?
Madamcoco: Yes, I'm with him and yes, he stopped cheating.
9 Jigee: This is a very interesting chat. Hope there are more -- thanks Dr. Bonnie.
GMSlick: I've forgiven my partner for the affair, but how do you learn to trust again.
DrBonnie: Trust takes time and effort. Not just from you, but from your partner. Your partner needs to make you feel more secure by doing endearing behaviors daily and by verbalizing his love for you. By showing remorse, letting you know if he is going to be late, sharing thoughts, apologizing for what he has done, spending more time with you, talking to you everyday will help you love towards forgiveness.
GMSlick: He does a lot of that but I feel like I always have to look behind myself.
DrBonnie: You will feel that for a while.
DrBonnie: It is up to him as well as you to have the courage to talk this out when you are feeling like looking behind you.
DrBonnie: In time you will feel these feel bettter about him but right now he needs to allow you those feelings as you learn slowly to trust him again.
GMSlick: I guess you're right that it just takes time.
Adiasx: My husband went away and didn't come back so we all thought he'd died. Later I had sex with aother man. Then my husband came back, but now I am pregnant with triplets. How should I tell my husband? The worst part is that two months ago I gave birth and he thinks it's his.
DrBonnie: The bummer part of this is that since you didn't have the affair, you have the hardest part which is forgiving. This is why forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and it takes a lot of courage to do it. Did your husband have an affair when he left first, before you did, or are you the only one that had an affair? Why did your husband leave? Was there a separation? Why did you think he died, did he not call you when he was away?
adiasx: What happened was the plane had an emergency landing and he never called.
DrBonnie: I see why you were so worried and upset. You probably had the affair because you were feeling abandoned. You need to really think about whether or not your husband would stay or leave you. Everyone is different, for some people it is forgivable and for others it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Swttmy: Think my husband may still be cheating.
Swttmy: He has been out the last four nights in a row.
DrBonnie: Are there the danger signs I mentioned earlier?
Swttmy: Even after I told him of my concerns, he still went away. I missed the danger signals.
DrBonnie: He really should consider your wishes and needs -- especially after the affair. It sounds like he is trying to provoke you into getting angry. How long has he not been seeing the other woman?
Swttmy: I've told him it worries me when he goes out so much but he goes anyway. DrBonnie: The first step for him is to stop. If he can't stop, then you will be tortured every night wondering whether he is with her or not. The only way the relationship can change is if he is faithful. He needs to be made aware that he cannot have it both ways.
Swttmy: I think I'm leaving.
DrBonnie: Are you leaving the marriage, or the chat, swttmy?
Glamourgirl: What are you going to do, swttmy? Can you manage on your own?
Swttmy: My marriage.
Swttmy: I don't know what to do next, but can't live like this much longer.
Glamourgirl: I can't remember whether or not you have kids?
DrBonnie: If he can't treat you with respect it means he is taking you for granted. The way to test his feelings for you is to give him a brush with death. Telling him that you love him, and would like to be with him, but only if he is faithful.
DrBonnie: It usually shakes up and wakes up the person, if he can be woken.
Swttmy: It hurts that I talked to him about this and he could care less.
DrBonnie: It's probably because he doesn't take you seriously and thinks you are really gonna leave.
Glamourgirl: Don't put yourself out there for him to hurt you! Put him out. When he realizes what he has lost, he will have to do double-time to make it up to you.
Swttmy: I'm not going anywhere. It's my house, he will go.
DrBonnie: I hope this was helpful, swttmy, and I send my love and support to you and the others who I enjoyed helping tonight. Good luck and keep me posted on the message board so I can be of further help to all of you.
Swttmy: Thank you, Dr. Bonnie.
Swttmy: My husband posted a message on your board.
It's titled "She Starts Another Fight." I hope you can respond to it soon.
DrBonnie: Should I look it over and reply, or did I already review that one?
Glamourgirl: I read that post.
DrBonnie: Oh, I will respond to it soon. Don't worry, swttmy. I have to go now, thank you everyone.
OP_Tdarden: Thanks, Dr Bonnie, I'm sure everyone will visit the board.
OP_Tdarden: Get a copy of Dr. Bonnie's book Adultery, The Forgivable Sin. And if your question was not answered tonight, post in Dr. Bonnie's message board