Ambivalent about Anal Sex
Dear Dr. Patti:
I am 25 and have been married two years, no children. The other night my husband talked me into anal sex. He said it was very satisfying for him, but it was just uncomfortable for me. I did it because I love him. Is this kind of sex normal? Should I enjoy this more? And will it get better with time? Do all wives do this for their husbands? --J
Dear J:
Anal sex is not a highly common practice in American heterosexual culture, although it is a component of sexual pleasure that all can enjoy. Despite the media spin that only gay men do this, in fact, according to a 1994 survey, 25 percent of all heterosexual adults have engaged in anal sex. And in another study, 10 percent of all heterosexual couples have had anal intercourse at least once during a year's period. The research seems to show that for many heterosexuals, anal play is experimental
Your situation seems a bit different. If your husband insists on this type of sexual contact with you, it's time you two learned the facts. First, go slowly. This is a delicate anatomical part of the body, designed by nature for things to exit, not enter. Its lining is easily torn and susceptible to all sorts of infections and irritations. Slow penetration into the anal cavity is essential, unless you are already well dilated and lubed up. Lubrication is another key for success in "back-door" sex. Using a natural, safe and water-based product (never one with a petroleum base) is your best bet. The tricky part of anal penetration is to get past the anal sphincter muscles, which are supposed to hold tight until it is time for the main job, evacuation. Once your husband's penis has passed that tight point, he can easily slide up and down and around inside you, probably producing intense pleasure if you are able to enjoy it. Probably the position of "doggy style," or man from behind while you are kneeling, is the most effective option.
Believe it or not, the anus is indeed a part of the sexual anatomy. As research has shown, the anus contracts just as other sexual parts do during orgasmic release. It can be a source of tremendous pleasurable sensation, closeness and eroticism for a couple. The shift I recommend is to learn how to do it properly. Go at your pace, not his, and allow yourself to be pleasured in this way. If that still feels unsafe, uncomfortable or somehow foreign and unpleasant, then you and your husband need to have a solid vow to find other ways to achieve ecstasy in bed.
Want more info? Head over to our Sexual Pleasure: Orgasms & More message board to share your thoughts and find out what other women are saying about anal sex and other sexual taboos.
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