American Idol - "It's Steven Tyler meets Fall Out Boy meets Robert Pattinson!"

Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer and a comedian?" (Um, AA? The Manhole? I give.) "...All on the verge of stardom?" Ah. This must be American Idol. He tells us about Alexis, Sarver and Gokey, and they clap for themselves; he tells us about the judges and they clap for themselves. Paula looks like she's wearing a Russ Meyer wig. It's nice. Simon winks and Ryan, and Randy talks nonsense as usual; Kara smugly explains that there are no second chances, and song choice is important. Paula agrees with that ever-so-fresh suggestion, and Ryan needles Simon about needing flattering lighting. Simon says he has no advice for the herd this week, because it's too late to worry about it, because they're about to sing. Randy says something dumb and Ryan's like, "Totally, Randy."

Here they are: Jasmine in a Pink Lady jacket, Dueling Piano Matt with dueling piano airguns, Jeanine whom I don't recognize, "Nick" making creepy Phantom Of The Paradise moves at the camera, Allison with the red hair, Kris that cute guy we never saw, Megan "Joy" Corkrey wearing a pregnancy dress with white fuzzy dice, Bear Porn Matt, Jesse Langseth looking like she's coming for Bella Swan at the Prom, Kai's horrible Snoopy-Ears hair, the suddenly frightening Mishavonna, and the always frightening Adam Lambert with a fake tan and thirty necklaces working it like they're storming Kiamo Ko and the rent is due.

Continue reading this entry on Television Without Pity.

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