American Idol - Please Don't Dump Me Just Because You Can

Scott MacIntyre has finally surpassed Matt G in their all-out race to hotness, which I sort of saw coming. Matt G looks his best at the piano, with all the lights and the awesome singing faces of him, but otherwise he looks like Academic Decathlon. I wish that on Wednesdays they would do the big intro just for Ryan Seacrest, since the Judgery is already sitting. How many votes last nights? Over 31 million. "A great number," Ryan says, and people cheer. Why times two. Tonight, somebody named Brad and also Randy T and Carrie will sing a duet. That probably will rule. They're both gay-but-not-really, in different ways and in the same way, respectively, and they both have voices like wild, inbred angels.

Ryan calls Paula and Simon "Paula 'Straight Hair' Abdul" and "Simon 'Losing His Hair' Cowell." Not funny, and yet he still has to explain it to a member of the Judges' panel that is neither named above nor female. I mean, I fucking wish he would. Simon's hair has always been his biggest hotness problem, combining as it does "Psycho Fourth Grader Who Draws Guns In The Margins Of His Schoolbooks" with "Creepy Janitor Who Used To Go To This School Thirty Years Ago." It would not take that much to fix it. Leave the Fuller Brush Man/Chris Cooper Marine factor and just remove the "I slept on this" weirdo part it develops on its sneaky little own and you'll be fine.

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