American Idol Philly: A Few Laughs, But I'm Still Waiting

American Idol, Season 7. It all begins in Philly.

If the show doesn't have to compete because of the writers strike, does that mean they'll slack off?

It's off to a slow start this year.

Do I hear crickets?

Oh, that's just Mark Hayes, a contestant who had the opportunity to stand before the judges. He looks normal enough.

It didn't take me too long to realize though, it wasn't his singing skills that landed him a spot on television tonight.

He is a masterclass -- at cricket chirping.

Cool to hear, I mean that. He really sounded like one. But about that singing part … did he really think he had the type of voice to win this competition? Or did he just want to show the world he could chirp like a cricket? And why?

With six seasons already under its belt, AI is becoming a bit predictable.

All I saw that was new really -- was Randy Jackson’s facial hair… pork chops and everythin'.

Missin those chops so much Randy? You had to wear them?

So what are we looking for – not necessarily in the person who embodies American idolism – but in the show American Idol?

Let’s run it down. Please help me if I leave out something.

We watch it for:
*I know I always look for people from my area.
*Those “heart felt” stories… totally fabricated and the true ones.
*The freak shows… and that includes the judges.
*And of course we eventually want to see the people who can actually sing.

Let’s be totally honest. You watch American Idol at this stage in the game for its outrageousness. It’s the sideshows that keep the two hour program moving.

They entertain us.

Good music is great. Love it. But hardy laughs are the only way to get through 100,000 wannabees, ya know?

There were some characters tonight.
How about that Uka? He moved here from Egypt and is “saving himself” for a good American girl. He’s one hopeless romantic alright. Loving “a girl from their hair to their” – where??? What did he say???

Paula Abdul tried to let Uka down easy, “Keep singing for your enjoyment.” That might have been the funniest thing I heard her say -- ever.

She and Randy couldn’t hold back when James Lewis started his rendition of “Go Down Moses.” Seriously, they were covering their faces, cracking up.

James says he’ll be back to wow them with some contemporary music. I guess he was hoping to be the “Taylor Hicks” of gospel singers.

Taylor is the Season 5 Idol, known for his uniqueness in style. He was recently dropped from his record label, which I think will be a good thing for him.

I hear a back up singer of Taylor’s is looking for work. How about a ticket to Hollywood? Melanie Nyema impressed the judges. Last year there were two backup singers with promise; Melinda Doolittle and Brandon Rogers.

Ah, to be different….

It only works when you don’t overdo it… when you don’t flaunt it.

Yeah, I’m talking about you – crazy Star Wars girl and wigged-out sparkle chick who, according to Ryan, smells like incense.

What crazy nonsense were they spewing?

Alexis Cohen “likes things that shine” and hopes to “knock the judges ON” their feet. This girl was absolutely nuts. She was giving speeches, “I hope my personality is colorful enough. I hope I am victorious enough. For America, I couldn’t do this without you. People of good faith, I couldn’t do this without you. Always have true faith and always be victorious!”

What is this -- the Michigan Presidential Primary?

I suppose she didn’t have “the votes” to back her.

The glitter gal came out of the double doors w/o the golden ticket. “Welp, Simon didn’t like me. But he’s a big fat -- bad word. Very, very bad words… If I could legally moon you, I would.” Legally moon? And who substitutes curse words for the words, "bad word"? Totally out there.

Alexis will show us she’s "victorious" anyway! She’s “going for actressing” now.

I could so see her as a Japanese cartoon character. Right? Anyone familiar with Yu-Gi-Oh?

Equally as bitter was the pseudo Princess Lea, Christina Toligano, who thinks the show needs more diversity. Hence, the Lea muffs and such.

Simon uttered, “give my love to the wookie” as Christina made her exit. She burst through the doors cursing about how big of a loser dork she is. She didn't hold back – and this language was to her GRANDPARENTS.

I mean were do they find these people?

Like the guy Ben Haar, who derobed into basically nothing. Paula told him she was disturbed by his hairy chest. SO he waxed it at some seedy place -- and came back – only to bomb with his rendition of “Don’t You”. He got two words out and Simon was done w him. I think Paula wanted him to stick around – for a laugh.

 Paula couldn’t exactly say the same for Paul Marturano. Simon also didn’t want any part of him. The guy wrote a love song for Paula. Some of the lyrics, “…I broke into her house when she wasn’t there. Took off my clothes and tried on her underwear…. I’m not much of a talker. So I guess I’ll just stalk her. If she were a doggie, I’d walk her. If she were a chalkboard, I would chalk her.”

Paul was escorted out, but managed to keep his creepy eye contact.

The token old guy managed to slip by with some cockamamie story about how he has a message for the young adults of the world. Milo Turk wrote a song called, “No Sex Allowed.” And he was so eager to dedicate it to Simon. Eww, why?

Udgeet loves Barry Manilow and Frank Sinatra -- but also showed us his MC Hammer, Elvis-Pimp mix thang. The judges showed him the door.

How about the best T-shirt of the night? (Aside from the guy in the cinnamon wig wearing a “Gender Chameleon” T).
The winner goes to:
DEAR LORD,
IF YOU CAN’T MAKE ME SKINNY
PLEASE MAKE MY FRIENDS FAT!

That guy didn't make it, but his shirt took center stage.

What an accomplishment for Joey Catalano! He lost 204 pounds. And if that wasn’t enough – he is now fulfilling his next dream…as a singer... and an American Idol contestant. Joey has moved on to the next round.

And we have yet another touching story…w/o the great outcome.
Temptress Brown is a young girl who wants so badly to make her family proud. She’s a 16-year-old and plays on a football team as a middle linebacker. Tonight, she took one for Team Brown. She says she auditioned for her mother who is very sick and has a hard time breathing.

Temptress actually had the hand motions down, just not the voice. When the judges cut her, she froze because she didn’t want to go out to face her family w the bad news.

That’s when Simon showed he really does have a heart. He led Temptress, Paula and Randy out the door to face the music.

Another hopeful shared with us -- the back story of her daughter with retts syndrome.. and the reason she is auditioning is to be able to afford the best care for her. Angela Martin also came out – because she can really sing!

There are other really good singers worth mentioning.
Brooke White, who has never seen a rated R movie.
Kristy Lee Cook, the cage fighter who sold her horse to afford the trip to Philly for the auditions. Hmm.. click here and take a look at this story I found? What does this mean? Is this allowed?

Junot Joyner made it! He sang "Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues." So did Jonathan Baines (looks super tall), Chris Watson (R&B braid guy) and Beth Stalker all were good enough to make it too.

It’s the beginning of another long season of American Idol.
Wednesday it’s time to mess with Texas.

We'll find out what happens when a pregnant contestant goes into labor. Does the audition anyway. Makes it to the next round, but does she make it to the hospital on time?

Where's that lady in the chicken costume from last season? That's the kind of drama I want to see!

What about you?

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