'American Idol' Recap: It (Only) Hurts When You're Singing

Lee: "A paint salesman!" Aaron: "A high school student!" Siobhan: "A glassblower!" Crystal: "A mother!" (Wait for it...) Mike: "A father!" Casey: "A construction worker!" God, how depressing. What would Ryan call you, if he was calling you names? I shudder to think.

I would have been like, "A DAUGHTRY fan who drinks Coors! A drama club president full of secrets! A Tim Burton enthusiast with low self-esteem! A whiskey-voiced lesbian who will regret this decision her entire life! A big fat phony with a baby! A one-trick butterface Texan! Thissss... Is American Idol!"

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