Drpattisays: Hi, all
Cmtdarden: Learn how to find ultimate satisfaction in the bedroom (or wherever else you see fit) with our sex coach, Dr. Patti Britton. Tonight, Dr. Patti talks about achieving the Holy Grail of lovemaking, multiple orgasms. We are stating our chat now that Dr Patti has arrived.
Drpattisays: I thought I would start with step one: mental state. What do you all think are the ingredients for female multiple orgasms?
Cmtdarden: I think it's having your partner satisfy you in any way that works.
Cheechamia: You definitely have to have a man that is sensitive to your desires for that one!
Drpattisays: Good one! Yes, it's all personal, but there are some universals too.
Cmtdarden: A lot of women achieve multiple organisms by having play-time first.
OP_Temom: Dr.Patti, my dh is well endowed in length and width to the point that it physically hurts me and physically causes rips and sores. My OB/GYN says there isn't much beyond lubrication that we can do to help. Do you have any suggestions?
9 A_M_C: I believe that if you have the right partner, who is in tune to your likes and dislikes and you two can talk openly about your likes and dislikes, sex, making love and having multiple orgasms are easy.
Drpattisays: Thanks, AMC. Temom, I think that your gynecologist is right, unless you can expand your vagina.
OP_Temom: I cannot enjoy intimacy at all when it hurts as much as it does.
Drpattisays: Yes, pain is NOT an aphrodisiac.
Cmtdarden: How do you expand your vagina?
Drpattisays: You must use lots of lube, go slowly and then deeply breath into the experience. You two have to learn each other's rhythm and dance and flow together. No hard pumping. Expanding your vagina? You can do this by dilating it with objects that expand it. Having lots of babies expands the vaginal walls, but is not recommended unless you want a big family.
A_M_C: What type of objects would you use?
Drpattisays: Most women have a looser vagina after giving birth. Dildos are objects that are used internally for producing pleasure and can also create an expansion of the walls.
temom: Does that help?
Drpattisays: Sure. So let's talk about female multiple orgasms or FMO. First, this is all about setting the mood and scene, on the inside and outside. Step one is always to clear the mind and get settled. And accepting that with or without a partner, you can have sex that is multiple orgasmic. I always advocate that a couple begins with relaxation. Unless the body is relaxed, there can be no real sexual pleasure. Of course there is a need for sexual tension, but that's different. That's the part that builds tension for the orgasmic release, not the start-up phase. I think that it's important to set the stage -- candles, incense, bathing rituals, aromatherapy, music, the whole enchilada. Lots of couples just expect to jump into the sack without preparation. So, preparation is essential for sex to work, especially for FMO. I think that just the act of bathing the lover's body, connecting in that way is a good start. Jumping in can be hot when there's verbal and emotional foreplay, but it's usually NOT the answer. So, go sensual next. Massage and caress each other. I always say, foreplay is the key for women and begins in the mind.
A_M_C: Isn't there a time though, when a woman's body just says no that it just can't be involved in an orgasm right now, but yet still wants the sex for the feeling?
Drpattisays: Yes, there are times when the body cannot go there, like in sheer exhaustion or with certain drugs.
A_M_C: Sort of like a "quickie" I guess, more pleasure for the man, but the woman will get her pleasure at another time.
Drpattisays: And then sex may be a physical release, but not a substantial one and lacking in satisfaction, emotionally for most. A woman can enjoy a quickie too, but most have already gone into the foreplay within before they do it expecting, anticipating, longing, yearning, all that. So, I look at the sexual continuum as if it were a ladder. After relaxing, sensually touch your partner. It's the kissing phase that ignites it all. Most women need deep passionate kissing. Not an "air kiss." Many women need to actually teach their men how to kiss. Then if we look at the ladder approach, we move from the head down. Breast stimulation is usually important to women for their arousal. Kissing biologically activates chemical action and nerve action starts the arousal process.
Jennkd: Kissing is good.
Drpattisays: Breasts and nipples are very important arousal areas for women and many need that stimulation to get hot. So, using the whole body is important for arousal to work in women. Now, as you all know, there are about three orifices to penetrate sexually, once oral sex has been done. Oral sex is NOT foreplay for most women. It's its own sexual act. I always suggest that couples engage in oral and that she gets her FIRST orgasms that way.
Grodi: Agrees with Drpattisays whole-heartedly.
Drpattisays: A woman is capable of having many orgasms. If kissing the lips and the breasts doesn't get her there (it won't for most), then move to oral. Oral is how many women rely on their partner for their orgasm. In one major book, only one in four women can get to orgasm with vaginal intercourse alone -- many women need to have their clitoris stimulated. This is the route to the orgasm, whether by mouth, tongue, finger, hand, vibrator, etc. Whatever does the job. It's important to know your own genitals. Betty Dodson, my mentor, teaches women to look at their own genitals in a mirror. I do the same.
Drpattisays: That way you know your own anatomy. Then you get to check out how it works. That's why masturbation is so important as a way to learn your own sexual response pattern.
Grodi: is embarrassed.
Drpattisays: If this is embarrassing you, then it's a signal to do more learning. This is good old, plain sex education stuff.
OP_Temom: Dr Patti, what if some women need male integration for orgasm?
Drpattisays: Okay. Hang on temom, I'm getting to that part. If more Americans had good sex education, there would be no need for professionals like me to repair the damage. But here's some more info for you -- once you learn about your own body and how it responds to touch, you get to take charge of your sexual destiny and talk about your wants and needs with a lover. It's nice if he can be your mate, but that's not always available! So, I think that there are actually three pathways to orgasm, using penetration. That's English for sexual intercourse and more. The first path to orgasm (not counting oral stimulation) is G-spot. Found about one-third of the way up the vaginal wall, it can be stimulated to produce intense orgasms. Also, there's the vaginal orgasm. That's the most difficult to achieve and usually NOT done till she has her first orgasm orally or with finger stimulation on the clitoris. And then there are anal orgasms which are not for everyone, but highly stimulating. There are articles here at iVillage about almost all of this, so check them out later.
A_M_C: Anal orgasms?
Drpattisays: Yes, the anus actually contracts in a pulsing rhythm just like the vagina or the prostate in men. And if that appeals to you, be sure to read up on anal sex. It can be dangerous if not done right. So, about the FMO: the real key is to get to the first orgasm as quickly as possible, with whatever works best. Many women rely on finger or oral stimulation on their clitoris to do this. Then penetration can begin. Once penetration is happening, it's possible to go and go. What I find is that most women do NOT allow the process to continue -- they stop themselves, or their partners stop. It seems that lots of men poop out after their first and only orgasm and women can go and go. A woman is capable of infinite orgasms.
ICEDTEA9: After penetration my partner is done.
Hydra: agrees whole-heartedly.
Chrisanns: Sometimes my husband can go for hours.
Drpattisays: I am talking about the majority of reports on sexual behavior, not all people. These are the trends.
Cheechamia: I understand.
Drpattisays: So, many men do poop out and perhaps then expect that when their female partner comes, she will too. Alas, men and women have different sexual wiring and that leaves us in the lurch sometimes as couples. So what is needed is that a woman and her partner learn to go further than before, sort of a Star Trek attitude. And, by keeping going, like working the clitoral area with a vibrator or hand, after the orgasm, she can keep going. Sometimes there is a need for breaks and it's perfectly okay for both men and women to take breaks.
Drpattisays: I am going to stop here, that's enough to get you all more knowledgeable.
ICEDTEA99: Yes, it is Dr. Patti.
Drpattisays: Does anyone have questions about all of this? Sometimes a woman cannot come. Just like a man cannot get or keep an erection. Best not to focus on the goal in that case and just enjoy the sharing of pleasure with your partner or your own face in the mirror.
Terri4099: Don't you think that to achieve multiple orgasm it just takes a good partner?
A_M_C: It takes the listening skills and the communication skills of a relationship between two partners for multiples to happen.
Drpattisays: Terri, not at all. It's so intricate. It's interwoven with two bodies trying to interlock in their unique patterns. That's a romantic idea of course, but for some it is the truth. But I teach and counsel many for whom that's not the answer.
Terri4099: But if you know your partner well enough and vice versa, I think the intimacy leads to great sex no matter how many times you achieve the big orgasm.
Drpattisays: Terri, I love what you are saying, but it's not that way for everyone. That's YOUR wiring. Lucky you. I have to make a comment about intimacy and sex: Oddly enough, intimacy does NOT equal good sex for some men and women. It's too bad, but that's the way it is. Given their issues (mental/emotional/cultural/physical) some people do NOT need (or even want) intimacy for sex to work for them. If that's what works for you, then I consider you fortunate and if it's a sacred bond and a sacred act, even better. But that's not the norm.
GAB89: Dr. Patti, after my girlfriend has an orgasm, she doesn't like to have sex anymore.
Drpattisays: Gab, can you talk to her about what we discussed in here tonight? It's a belief system problem, not a reality. Although, maybe she is "sore" or tender right after sex. After a little break, you can go again. Try that. Does that make sense to you, based on her reactions?
GAB89: She gets really sensitive and gets chills when I touch her again.
Drpattisays: After a break she will lose that sensitivity. But you have to counsel her to get her to try again. If she will, have her touch herself after the orgasm. She will prove to herself that it's okay.
Ben332: Me and my girlfriend are still virgins and she's afraid to have sex with me.
Drpattisays: Are you both ready to change that? Or do you have another idea?
Ben332: I don't want to hurt her either. We've both heard alot in the locker rooms about sex being painful.
Drpattisays: It's time to learn more about sex then. Perhaps you can learn here on the boards, in chats and in articles. There is a new Website on sexuality for teens: www.teenwire.com. Check it out. Get your girlfriend to a Planned Parenthood clinic before you decide. They have great low cost/free teen counseling, too.
Ben332: I have been reading a lot. We're looking for ways to reduce the pain that seems to be inevitable for her the first time.
Drpattisays: Pain is not always there, so learn all you can.
Ben332: I've been reading the boards and there is some interesting stuff there, like how to un-invert her one nipple.
Drpattisays: Ben, come on back next week. I think I will have answered your concerns in the articles section on virgins. See you there.
ICEDTEA99: So you said that when you're done with one orgasm, you can try to keep using your finger to help create another orgasm?
Drpattisays: Sometimes, it requires a brief break from touching, if you are too sensitive. But, if you keep the touching going, you can go through that wall and feel even more. I like to coach women to go on what I call "rounding"; they take little breaks and each time they soar higher and higher. These are often done with vibrators alone, but it's okay with a partner too. I believe that women are afraid to keep going beyond the big orgasm #1. We have not been taught that it's possible. And at the peak of orgasm, the clit becomes very sensitive. So lighten up and then resume. Will you try that and then report back here next week to me?
ICEDTEA99: So you say stop and then try again?
Drpattisays: Yes, Iced, if you are too sensitive.
LizardDance: suggests that a tongue may have a lighter touch than a finger.
Drpattisays: Great, I like Lizard's comment, but even then the clit may be too sensitive. Still, it's gentler than a finger. A feather may be better!
Cmtdarden: Dr. Patti I think this was a great topic and I enjoyed the information.
Drpattisays: Thanks, Darden. I enjoyed doing a mini-lecture. Bye, all.
Fun4u99: I loved the topic and want to thank Dr. Patti for the words of wisdom.
Drpattisays: Thanks, all who enjoyed this night. Enjoy your week. Thanks, Ben for showing up and keep the process going. Bye, all. Thanks!
OP_Temom: I really do appreciate all your time this week and your patience Dr. Patti, it meant a lot to all of us.
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