Ask the Sex Coach About Orgasms

Drpattisays: Hello, all.
Cmtdarden: Learn how to find ultimate satisfaction in the bedroom (or where ever else you see fit) with Sex Coach, Dr. Patti Britton. Tonight, Dr. Patti talks about orgasm enhancement for the woman who can't get there. How is everyone tonight?
OP_Temom: Okay. And you, Dr. Patti?
Drpattisays: Thanks, Darden, looking forward to the classroom tonight.
Drpattisays: Is everyone in their seats with notebooks ready?
mug_piper: Yep.
Trueorfalse: Talk about the scene in When Harry met SallyDrpattisays: Okay, let us begin. I thought that I would outline the issues for why women may not get to orgasm. In the first place: 1.) Thinking, "What does that mean?" Well, it starts with thinking, if you are not informed or are ignorant, that may be the issue for why you cannot reach orgasm. Often I find that women lack fantasy material, that is, their "well" is dry when it comes to imagining fantasies that can get them sexually aroused. So, often it means putting some fresh material or ideas into their repertoire.
Drpattisays: Make sense so far?
Cmtdarden: Yes, Dr Patti.
Drpattisays: Issue 2.) Feelings ... emotional. This is VERY common for women -- issues that arise and stop them from enjoyment and especially orgasm. The most typical emotional blocks among women are:
1.) Fear of sex. 2.) Fear of intimacy/men/closeness. 3.) Fear of abandonment. 4.) Guilt about being sexual. 5.) Fear of letting go and losing control. 6.) Shame about sex. 7.) Shame about her body (BIG ONE). Does any of this strike a chord?
Denisehar: Yes.
newstart99: 3, 5 and 7 do for me.
Drpattisays: If there is one thing that I coach women to overcome, it's their negative body image issues. It can be a profound blockage. Okay, so all of us can relate in some way to this and it may change over time, too. The third issue is that sometimes the women cannot get to their big O because they do not know their own sexual patterns and how to get their own body to produce this effect.
I know that sounds very technical, but it is about producing an effect, and all the trappings that go along with it. So, what happens is this: Women think that they cannot get there, or don't know how; they have damaging feelings that get in the way; and often they don't know the techniques to get there in the first place so they cannot possibly tell or show a partner how to do that for them. Do you see the pattern here? Now, if a woman has some deep-seated emotional issues, like her dad sexually molested her when she was 10-16 years of age, she must get some in-depth therapy.
If on the other hand, she can work this through, then she may be able to get to her orgasms without intensive therapy. Sex therapy/coaching involves behaviors ... behavioral training, actually.
Czeke: She must also trust the man, Dr. Patti.
Drpattisays: Trusting her partner is essential, thanks for that input.
OP_Temom: Agrees with czeke completely.
Drpattisays: Or trust her woman, if she's lesbian. Some lesbians cannot achieve O, either. And the basic recommendation is, believe it or not is (if you all read any of the articles and boards you will know this already)... What is the key/foundation? What do I teach is the foundation for partner sex? Any guesses?
mug_piper: Communication ?
Celestron: Trust, knowledge.
Cmtdarden: Explore with each other?
Drpattisays: Good guesses. Keep going.
Cmtdarden: Do what you are comfortable with.
CL-Tazzzzzzzzzzzz: Fun, exploration?
Drpattisays: Imagine, what is the best way to know yourself? Sexually?
Waldohuey: Individuality?
Drpattisays: Here's the answer, it may surprise you. It is MASTURBATION. That is the foundation for partner sex because it allows you to learn your own unique response pattern.
Cmtdarden: Oh that wonderful word, masturbation.
Drpattisays: The Big M is right.
Drpattisays: So, step one is to have her do a masturbation practice until she can get to her orgasm.
newstart99: Takes notes like crazy now, LOL.
Drpattisays: That is usually where the answer is found. The truth is out there or in there, in this case. Now, there are some behavioral techniques to use to achieve orgasm with a partner, too.
mug_piper: Don't you think women react differently if their partner is present though?
Drpattisays: Clitoris stimulation is the key. Directly or indirectly, either way, depending on what she discovers when she's doing solo sex that keeps her aroused is the main target. So, if a woman and a partner are having penetrative sex (penis in vagina type) and she cannot get orgasmic, often there needs to be some way to stimulate her clitoral area. So, a partner can use his/her hands/fingers, or a sexual aid, such as a vibrator, to stimulate the clitoris when he is inside. The other form of stimulation that seems to work well with some pre-orgasmic women is to increase attention paid to her breasts and nipples. Many women find that this is a highly stimulatable area of her body, one which can product intense pleasure and often kick her into orgasm. Many women often report to me that they also need to be deep kissed during penetration.
newstart99: Agrees with that one.
Drpattisays: There are literally nerves and chemicals that get activated during a deep kiss that stimulate the sex organs. And that facilitates orgasm. I have articles written about the PC muscles, the love muscles that can be exercised to produce orgasms, by adding this tactic to the mix. Also, sometimes a woman needs to be told that it's okay to let go. With some couples I have found that she literally needs his permission to release and a man can actually say things to her like, "Let go, honey," Or, "I want you to come now," without pressuring her, so that she feels it's safe. Again, that's only if she does not have some deep seated emotional issues/blocks that are preventing her from coming in the first place.
Czeke: Yes, Dr. Patti, the man has to encourage the woman to let go and ENJOY.
Drpattisays: Some (and I would not hesitate to say most) women need to feel a heart connection with a partner to have the most intense orgasms. Sometimes, for a woman who cannot release, she must feel the intimate love from that person to trust him/her or herself enough to let go. Remember that orgasm is a moment of suspended time and space. That orgasm is a moment of letting go. That orgasm is sometimes a spiritual union of two people, quite profound and deeply connective. And sometimes it is merely a physical release. So, let us begin with some questions.
kara86099: What are the most common reasons for not desiring sex?
mug_piper: Dr. Patti, why do there seem to be different orgasms?
Drpattisays: There do seem to be different types of orgasms and, in fact, based on research conducted by labs such as at Masters and Johnson in St. Louis and Hartman and Fithian in Long Beach, there are different types. Often women report that they feel/experience a different type with the G-spot stimulation than with vaginal stimulation. And, there is a definite difference in sensation from clitoral stimulation and from vaginal stimulation. Does that answer your question?
mug_piper: Yes, thanks.
OP_Temom: What are some ways a female and her partner can overcome sexual blocks together? I run a crisis board with tazz, this is an issue we run across sometimes.
Drpattisays: Temom, that's a very good question and one which is tough to answer simply as sometimes it is quite complex. First I am a big fan of couples' counseling when there are blocks to the ultimate satisfaction of both. I recommend that couples consider various means of self help. And, some of those resources include: Imago therapy and the works of Harville and, Hendrix. Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find are two titles. I also think that John Gray has a very powerful method in his book The Love Letter Process, which I use with couples almost every time. Check that one out. It's in the back of Mars/Venus and it works. Also, couples often need to clear out the resentments and anger sludge that has built up over the years. And I am a big advocate of sending people to seek spiritual support and empowerment. Yes, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus is his best seller, the LL is in the back section. OP_Temom: Thank you for your information Dr Patti, I hope this helps our members on crisis board and me too, LOL.
Drpattisays: You are welcome, temom. It's one of the most successful techniques that a couple will EVER find anywhere and can be done regularly.
poobear99: My girlfriend can only archive orgasm by masturbation, how can I help her to orgasm during intercourse.
Drpattisays: That's because it's applying pressure directly to her clitoris. You could also use a finger, maybe or a sexual aid, such as a dildo that is soft and squishy like a tongue. Have you ever tried that? Or a vibrating object, such as the handheld plug-in types of vibrators, the Prelude is one, that have spinning heads that can be applied to direct areas. She may need to have that intensity of stimulation in order to get there. Once she has her first release, O, then you might not need to keep applying that pressure. So, maybe she feels pressured to "perform." She may need that stimulation or feeling of closeness/connection too. Does that help?
july2750: After 35 years of marriage, I don't know if I ever had real orgasm. Sex is okay, but nowhere near what I read about or hear from friends. Vibrators are fine but "that feeling " doesn't take long to get to and never lasts! And twice hurts!
Drpattisays: It's hard to say what's in the way. Do you hold your breath during sex? Have you ever allowed yourself to masturbate to orgasm? With or without the vibrator? And did you "feel" anything?
july2750: Many times! But I get there so fast and it's over. How can I make it last?
Drpattisays: Ah. So you "pop" too fast, kind of like a man with early ejaculation?
july2750: That wonderful feeling everyone talks about during sex. I only get it with a vibrator and it's over in a minute!
Drpattisays: I teach that sexual energy/tension has to build, like building the "charge" with electricity.
july2750: Yes, I guess that's what I mean.
Drpattisays: I get the feeling that perhaps you are holding your breath during sex and blocking your own flow. Try deep breathing next time and you might notice a difference, okay?
OP_Temom: Sounds like a tip worth trying for me too.
july2750: I'll definitely try.
Cmtdarden: July, let us know on the board if that works or come back next week. We will have the chat on Tuesday at the same time (due to memorial day).
Drpattisays: Let's do one more question. kara?
kara8609: I don't really have a problem with the O, but I don't have any sexual desire, how can I fix that?
mug_piper: To make a good heart and mind connection, have you considered having your partner touch you or use a vibrator on you so as to intensify orgasm? What about mutual masturbation, does that help as well?
Drpattisays: Yes, mug, that's a good method for building the close connection and also "showing" your lover how you work. It's a great way to share sexually.
Drpattisays: Thanks, keep me posted. You can post on the boards, too.
kara8609: I don't really have a problem with the orgasm, but I have a low sexual desire, how do I fix that?
kara8609: Frustrates the hubby.
Drpattisays: The JAMA article recently showed that 4 out of 10 women suffer from sexual problems and that low or no desire ranks first. Yes, low desire is an issue with couples and sometimes it's the guy who has it and not the wife.
Cheechamia: I have the opposite problem lately. I have TOO much desire. Any quick solutions to this Dr. Patti?
Drpattisays: Ah. too much desire -- saltpeter to the rescue and lots of aerobics classes (LOL). Try herbal supplements. Visit my site:
Cmtdarden: Our chat with Dr. Patti has come to and end.
Drpattisays: Thanks, darden. You are such a great host and guardian angel of this chat!
Cmtdarden: Dr. Patti, I have lots of help temom, vigade and tazzzz too.
Drpattisays: And, yes, thanks to tazzzzzz and all the others who make this chat sane for me! Good night everyone and see you next Monday at 8pm ET.

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