Aversion to Oral Sex

Please tell me I'm not the only woman who feels this way. I have been married to my only sexual partner for one year and I have never performed oral sex. My husband keeps asking, but the thought of putting his penis in my mouth turns my stomach. I have no problems touching or kissing it, but I can't put my mouth or tongue on it. I even tried putting a penis-shaped sucker in my mouth at a party once and nearly gagged. To even think about oral sex makes me physically ill. Is this normal? --G


Dear G:

Normal is a word that I'd like to toss into the trash. What's normal for you and your relationship is what matters. Typically, yes, many women not only will perform oral sex on their partners, they enjoy it.

I want to encourage you to look at a number of issues you raise, starting with the fact that this is your first sexual partner. For some women (and men), the thought of oral sex is nauseating at first. But most -- after gaining some knowledge and experience in relation to sharing this form of sexual pleasure -- integrate oral sex into their usual routine.

I sense that a couple of things may be part of your history. It's possible that you've had a past abuse experience, which may or may not have involved a forced or coercive sexual act -- even the insertion of a penis into your mouth when you were a girl. If there is a chance this occurred, I strongly suggest you get professional help in healing such a wound.

Often cultural, religious or familial values teach that touching or tasting the body "down there" is wrong, shameful, dirty or bad. It's not. Knowing that this can be a harmless, beautiful and even bonding tie with the one you love may help you to overcome the negativity you feel. To learn all you can about this method of pleasure, I suggest you watch the video The Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking, available from Pacific Media (1-800-262-7367). If you decide you do not want to perform oral sex, it's your responsibility to talk this over openly with your husband. Part of marriage includes open, honest communication about what you can and cannot expect from each other in bed.

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