TV Recap: The Bachelor

Cabo Cabo Cabo.

Repeat:This is NOT Laguna Beach.

Tonight, Jenni will show Brad how she feels.

DeAnna will tell Brad how she feels.

And Bettina will try to save what she has with Brad.

What's with the grammatical lesson, Chris? Guess we had to feel his influence somewhere, as he didn't appear once in tonight's episode. The show wouldn't even fly its own host to Cabo? Le cheapskates!

We started off by learning not only are we in Cabo, but we'd be spending entire days and nights with Brad and each of the bachelorettes. A whole day and night with Jenni? Like OMG, where do I sign?!

Jenni was the first bachelorette to meet up with Brad, who waited for her on a dock. Jenni bounded over to him as producers likely told her to.

"I was hoping you'd run," Brad said. I was hoping she'd faceplant, but that's just me. That's right, Jenni, bound toward uncertainty and exploitation! Bound as you've never bounded before!

Alas, it turned out that today the duo would be swimming with dolphins. Jenni threw her head back and laughed in confessional saying she was a little nervous but didn't want to "look like a weirdo or goofy in front of Brad." Because all that dancing is totally totally serious. Just think, Jenni, maybe swimming with the dolphins can be your Fame! OK, with a dolphin; I guess Flipper took the day off. The pair dove right into the experience -- well, Brad sort of half fell, half bellyflopped.

As Jenni cavorted with a gigantic dolphin, Brad knew he had to figure out how she feels. He knows they're attracted to one another. The theme of the night: PROVE IT. He decides the best method is to ask her point blank: How do you feel about me? Oh yes, Brad, because ultimatums always turn out so well -- this may be why no relationship book recommends them EVER.

Jenni's hair, outfit and makeup magically transform to pre-dolphin swimming as she replies that she wants to tell Brad, but has trouble saying it because she doesn't want to put herself out there and then get hurt. Look, girl, I'm just saying: This guy went on national television and is the butt of public scrutiny every day. Can't you meet him 1/100th of the way? No one gets assured that a relationship will work out. There's no way of knowing that.

When we returned from commercial break, we saw tonight's episode was rated TV-14 for L! What could the language be so bad about?

Turns out tonight you must be invited to spend the night with Brad in the fantasy suite, which translates to Night of Perpetual Awkwardness. But first, the obligatory dinner that no one ate to dance around the topic of Will They Or Won't They? Brad won't give Jenni the card until he knows how she feels, and prods her by saying he is grateful she came into his life ... since now for the rest of it, he'll be able to say he totally hooked up with a Phoenix Suns dancer! Pound the rock and lock it in with me, dude!

Jenni agrees that she and Brad do love spending time together, but made no mention of being in love with him. Wouldn't that be key? Her feelings for him are strong, and now she wanted to show him -- plus, she was pretty sure he had something for her in his pocket ... or is he just happy to see her? Brad replies that maybe all there is tonight is a nice dinner -- but she's more than welcome to fish around in his pocket if she would like. A true competitor to the core, Jenni fished out her own fantasy suite card. Nothing says, "I love the thrill of competition more than you" than a move like that.

Entering the fantasy suite, the pair lie on the bed in some sexual-yet-not pose. "I feel like I was here to meet you," Jenni said, stating the obvious. "Thank you for being the man I dream about" -- um, excuse me while I go barf. They kissed. I'm still having trouble picturing them being together. Maybe if she didn't have the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old girl, it'd be easier.

Back from commercial, Bettina was going to get her shot at love with Brad on a boat used in the America's Cup race. The two teamworked it out and helped the crew sail the boat, which gave us a nice bonding moment. Brad suggested they hit the beach, so they dove off the boat and walked along the sand. Later that night, at La Frida restaurant, Brad and Bettina romantically whispered sweet nothings into each others' ears -- about her family. Still. Weeks later. Over it!

"My family's only concern was that you might not be into me," Bettina whined. "Well, I tried to convey how I felt, but I left there just feeling doubted," Brad responded. Bettina then confided they'd be upset if she moved to Austin, but she didn't care, because if things worked out between them, it'd be a no-brainer for her to pack up and ship out.

Brad just hoped she'd loosen up in the suite. Apparently, there were a lot of dead pauses in their conversations, and felt the suite would mellow Bettina out. He extends the invite, and she accepts. There is a hot tub involved, so you can guess what happened next. Brad confided that the more he knows about her, the more he likes her. Oh, yeah, and she's really hot, too. Twice Brad tried to kiss past her mouth and onto her face, but stopped himself. Good boy.

After another commercial break, it was DeAnna's turn. The duo would be hitting the track for a little dirt track dine buggy racing action. The two flirted over their radios as DeAnna really showed Brad up, which embarrassed him, but he liked it. Who wouldn't want to feel that every day in a relationship? You don't want to feel a guy always lets you win at everything because you're a girl.

Brad confesses he's most excited for tonight with DeAnna because he's waited for this moment since he met her. DeAnna confesses she wants to spend the night with Brad, cuddle all night, wake up next to him and then eat breakfast. The fact that she felt this way from the beginning, even though she didn't think she could fall in love this quickly with anyone, speaks volumes. And she's not just falling for anyone, she tells Brad -- only for Brad. But all I could notice was she didn't even touch her amazing enchiladas! Come on, girl, green sauce and black beans in Cabo! Who says no to that?!

DeAnna accepted Brad's invite to the fantasy suite, which turned out to be a new room. Good move, producers; tf they had Brad in the same room three nights in a row with three different women, they would have to change its name to the fantasies schmantasies suite.

Brad admits he doesn't just see DeAnna as someone to date, but as a soulmate. Then the duo found a pool. Again, something tells me they made out.

After that last commercial break, it was time for the rose ceremony. Perhaps it was due to editing, but Brad's time with Jenni seemed strained and 50/50 on the emotion, Bettina's seemed hot and heavy, and DeAnna's seemed perfect. But Jenni did get her own commercial break, i.e. twice the amount of coverage the other two girls got on their dates with Brad. What are producers trying to say?

So who's in?
Jenni
DeAnna

Brad takes Bettina to sit down and talk before she leaves the show. She knows he may not have the answers, but asks him why he made this choice. Brad confesses he doesn't know who she really is; that she's still a complete mystery to him. This is when Bettina pretty much breaks up with herself and gives Brad an out by saying if she feels more for the other girls than for her, then he should stay with them. Come on, she doesn't mean that! She's just too nice!

Brad also admits he let her go because he didn't think he should have to work that hard at love. It's true; it's love, not a science fair assignment. As she drives away, Bettina says she's most upset with herself because she fell in love with herself, but Brad didn't fall back. Now she suspects she'll never fall in love again. Please, girl, you said that before! You'll be fine. Your family will be thrilled you're not moving, and if you keep selling those million-dollar homes, you will be, too.

Next on The Bachelor: The live reunion show! Jenni and DeAnna meet Brad's family! And holy crap, he's got an empty ring box! See what happens when Brad follows his heart -- no laughing! We're doing the most romantic stuff on The Bachelor yet!

OK body language experts, here's your last chance to predict lurve:

We end with a clip of Brad and Bettina awkwardly watching a musical ensemble perform. This really killed the mood for me, as the vignettes do every episode.

But, I totally called the final two a few weeks back! Did you?

Should Bettina have left now?

Will Jenni's navel ever escape from the confines of her formalwear?

Who is going to be the last girl standing?

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