TV Recap: The Bachelor

Just one thing: S.T.B.Y.

Sorry, Hillary; tonight, it just rather Sucked To Be You.

Not that there wasn't tons of other action abounding. In tonight's episode, Bettina was all, "Like OMG, I'm going on a single date," and Kristy was all, "Like OMG, and I'm not" and Sheena was all, "Like OMG, I like fell down the steps!" and Jenni was all, "Like OMG you are here for the wrong reasons!" and Hillary was all, "Like OMG Brad I love you and want to have your babies!" and Brad was all, "Like OMG ... F'real?!"

We’re down to the final six in Ye Olde Studio Mansion, and the girls were feeling the pressure. Hillary, in particular, was almost too perfectly articulating her feelings a la Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers. Two more would be eliminated tonight; the remaining four would have B-rad meet their parental units.

With two one-on-one dates and a group date, it was a little easier for the girls to get personal time with Brad, thus sure to make for an interesting night. But hush, the first Basket O’ Stuff has arrived ... for Bettina!

Join me for a romantic evening on the water.

OK, so Tennyson he is not, but you get the point.

According to the Basket O' Stuff, the evening apparently would require a plaid blanket, a gondolier’s hat, a flower and an empty wine bottle. Wait, they were going to The Venetian Hotel Casino?! Jealous!

Scratch that; it’s just a gondola ride.

Kristy made sure to mention that you’re supposed to kiss on gondolas when you go under bridges. Peanut Gallery and I hadn’t heard mention of that before, but no matter. Kissing under the bridges it is, then. Gondola ride, anyone? Anyone? No takers? Fine; on with the review. (Side note: Gondola rides are super expensive! In Venice they would have cost me my first-born, without tip!)

Brad says he hopes Bettina can take the opportunity to open up. The girls in the house already know Bettina and Brad have chemistry, so now she just needs to get over herself. He has a pretty basic list of qualities he’s searching for, but it’s so general, any of the women could fit. Still, it’s not fair to expect someone to do something if you don't explain the situation first -- she’s a woman, not a psychic.

Bettina admits she hasn’t dated anyone since her divorce (which -- can't say this enough -- DOES NOT make her a bad person, even if she thinks it might). Their gondola ride is innocent enough, as the duo obviously care for one another. Each want to care for the other, but are unsure of how to go about it. As they go under a bridge, Bettina kisses Brad on the cheek. He returns the favor. She knows herself very well, just at times seems unsure of how to get the right impression across. And, frankly, it’s OK to not be perfect, Bettina. Every episode, I like her a little more.

Hey, I didn’t know The Girls Next Door was on! I love this show!

Oh, natch; it’s just this week’s group date.

Basket O’ Stuff 2 has the pool party group date details for Kristy, Hillary, DeAnna and Jenni. Which means Sheena’s going on a solo date! Kristy seems thrilled by the prospect of another vapid pool party -- and by thrilled, I mean so totally over it. Brad said in last week’s episode that Kristy might be overqualified to date him, and now she seems to feel the same.

At the party, Hillary confesses she wants Brad to, well, we’re not sure. But almost every single word was bleeped, so we’ll assume it was something about wanting to know Brad in the biblical sense. Her confession was juxtaposed with her and Brad’s alone time on a pool raft. He told her he felt very close to her at a friendship level. This didn’t seem to register to poor Hillary. So if I could bleep everything she said from here on out, the world would be a better place.

DeAnna and Brad sneak away in plain view of the other girls. He won’t kiss her, even though he wants to, and vice versa. Since DeAnna got Brad going without anything physical, he immediately takes Jenni to a more private location and makes out with her in a hammock. Hello, horizontalness! If I were DeAnna, I’d be royally pissed. I be like, “I laid all the groundwork for that hot makeout session and got none of the perks!”

Isn’t it always the case?

Sheena’s basket arrived with a mini mannequin in it. It was sort of creepy. Who knows what their date will be? And yet, does it really matter? She’s 23. He’s half her age older than her. When he was first thinking about having sex, she was, uh, being born. Creepy.

Whatever room they walked in to, there were six mannequins with six different dresses on them. And she got to pick one! Brad immediately went for the bright pink strapless one, insisting Sheena wear it. She wanted to try on more, but Brad had made up his mind. He was thinking pink. Oh so many double entendres, so little time.

Sheena did end up wearing the pink frock, so way to be strong and represent for your gender, Sheena. It was almost karma that she fell down those evil steps. But seriously, what is going on with those things? Does someone take a dive in every episode? Can a girl get some grippy tape?

Brad and Sheena were on Cloud 9 -- or at least had dinner on a patio covered with balloons (Your call). He gave her a huge pair of diamond earrings I immediately fancied turning into a necklace. How romantical. But then, whoa, they have two glasses each of wine, one white and one red? The exact same glasses? For both? Wrong shape? Wrong height? This pains me.

Brad denies Sheena’s theory that he’s perfect. He insists he’s just a normal guy. Well, with his own TV show, but still.

Since the pre-commercial-break voiceover told us Hillary was going to lose her mind in the next segment, I salivated. It was almost Pavlovian.

Upon Sheena’s return, Bettina appears jealous, saying her date sucked in comparison and she’s going to bed. Jenni says Bettina is here for the wrong reasons. Peanut Gallery and I stifled some giggles. Oh, Jenni, if you only knew. Mwahaha.

Gosh, eliminations just couldn’t come fast enough tonight.

Sheena read a heinous poem. She meant it, too. And it even rhymed, in a love/glove/dove kind of way.

"I’m speechless," Brad offered in return, asking to keep the poem. Yes, Brad, burn it. Let it never torture another human being. And Sheena, please write a book of poetry if The Bachelor doesn’t pan out. It would be glorious. The world needs more love/glove/dove.

DeAnna confessed her butt looked good in her dress, and Brad agreed. He’s just so darn agreeable, isn’t he? A self-confessed adrenaline junkie, DeAnna admits she is nervous when he’s around and totally digs the feeling. Then they, like, totally, like, hooked up.

Jenni attempts to call out Bettina, saying she should be grateful she even got a solo date. Bettina stammers that she was kidding. I wouldn’t ever tolerate a verbal bashing from anyone in this house, particularly one who claims to be a model yet is wearing that headband/giant earring combo in a floral-embroidered cocktail dress. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Proving Denial wasn’t just a river in Egypt, Hillary wore a way-too-tight white dress because she felt it resembled a wedding dress. Please, someone, free her boobs; they keep trying to come up for air. Again, Brad tries to tell her he considers her a friend, but she’ll have none of it.

So who’s in?

That’s probably their ranking as well.

Hillary breaks down as a crew member runs by in the background. She’s known the guy for what, a week? And she’s talking about getting married to him and how he’d be a good husband? But, to Brad’s credit, he goes outside to console her, tell her she’s one in a million, and he didn’t want to meet her family and get her hopes up when it wasn’t working out.

Hillary just wanted to meet a man and have her family be proud of her. Who doesn't?

Meanwhile, Kristy just peaced out! I’m sure her life will be all the better for it. She was totally our Zara from Joe Millionaire.

Next week on The Bachelor!

We meet the four girls’ families! Jenni’s grandma is overprotective! DeAnna’s family is straight out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding! Sheena’s mom is crazy! Bettina’s family is all been there, done that!

Wonder what will happen!

So what were your thoughts on this week’s episode?

Should Kristy and Hillary have been let go?

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