The Bachelor Recap: A Night At The (Media) Circus

So if you missed last night's episode of The Bachelor, you missed a heck of a lot.

Yadda yadda yadda opening montage of the past two episodes...

Yadda yadda yadda "and the dream dates begin..."

Puh-lease -- pipe dreams is more like it.

First off, who’s writing this recycled script, an intern? Do we not have a thesaurus on hand? And the lingo, a little dated. Did we all come of age in 1983? Nothing against 1983 (Thriller! Duran Duran! The A Team! Return of the Jedi! Scarface!), I'm actually just waiting for the day they describe Brad as a quality grade a hunk. Like, gag me with a spoon.

This episode we are graced with two group dates and our first individual date. Our first Basket O' Stuff arrives and it’s ... a circus date. Are. You. Kidding. Me. Lions and tigers and cougars, oh my! And that’s just the ladies! (We hear there were also elephants and animals and stuff.) Brad thinks this idea is brills since he’ll be able to “see their inner child come out.” Yeah, their 23-year-old inner child, in which case, no circus necessary. Their drunken episodes aren't exactly the pinnacle of maturity but whatever; it's not our "dream date." And shouldn't feeding the elephants and tightrope walking be requirements for all future spouses?

First date girls: Estefania, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna.

At one point, the girls stood side to side and performers tossed pins to one another, barely missing the girls’ faces. I secretly hoped one would clock Jenni. Sadly, no dice. This was mainly because Jenni needlessly showed off her tumbling. Sorry, but a back flip is not a get out of jail free card; it's already getting tired.

As if Jenni read my mind, she dragged Brad away and told him she hoped she’d be the last girl standing; that he would fall in love with her. She hoped that he would do long-distance with her so she could finish her cheering.

Brad: “Uh, you’re letting me date other people, so…”

Isn’t this something like 72 hours in? She was totally trying to get the rose. But Brad likes to share the wealth, honey. And it turns out, Jenni was just a trend starter – a lot of women were tired to being superficial and began to spill they were serious about Brad. Brad, not surprisingly, was thrown by all this. One thing we’ve learned: Being first does not always make you the best. Write that down.

Besides, isn't this something like 72 hours into the program? Jenni would fall in with a gardening tool. Trust me, if this girl is a 27-year-old cheerleader, it’s not because the pay or the hours are great; it's because she's a people pleaser. The girl cracks easier than a can of PBR.

As the group was surrounded by the spotlights and the crazy animals and acts, I began to suspect that this three-ring format was all too familiar, as in how the show was filmed anyway. We’re all just a part of the (media) circus after all.

Suddenly, Brad pulls McCarten away from the others. She swears she’s very secure with herself and doesn’t need a rose to nurse her insecurities. Oh, and she’s not feeling a friend vibe at all, which seems to say that Brad thinks he is. Yikes. Methinks we see this plan backfiring in a later episode.

Can you not see the following argument occurring?

McCarten (sobbing): “But you never give me the rose! Don’t you like me?!”
Brad (shocked): “But you said you didn’t want the rose!”
McCarten: “But it’d still be nice to get the rose every now and then! Just because I don’t need it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want to give it to me!”
Brad: “But I’m just doing what you asked! I’m not a mind reader!”
McCarten: “You don’t care about me or you’d know all this already! I wish you cared!”
Brad: “Uh…?????”

I'm already putting $5 on it.

Estefania got the rose on the circus date, probably because she let Brad sort of feel her up. “She’s the one who keeps me laughing,” he said, which he also kind of maybe definitely says about half the girls in the house.

Basket O’ Stuff 2 arrives for the individual date. And the winner is, Hillary! Wow, that’s a shocker. I swear I don’t remember any footage of her from the entire show. But Brad decides she’s one in a million, or maybe that he can trust her the most with ridiculously expensive jewels from Chopard -- $1 million worth, to be exact. They probably came with their own bodyguard. So, sure, Hillary got the first one-on-one date. But karma will bite back: She has to do it in the fugliest dress in Bachelor history. This is sounding like a really bad reading of Choose Your Own Adventure, isn’t it?

They fly out to San Francisco to a random room for dinner and then the Ghirardelli factory to make hot fudge sundaes. Clearly Brad is into low-key romance, which is then jacked up x 1,000 by the show. It sucks that the girl had to wear that formal dress the whole flight; that was probably uncomfortable. And, speaking of uncomfortable, once Brad has nowhere to run, Hillary begins to cry and confesses she’s falling for him. Then he ran away! But only to give her the rose...maybe just to make her stop. I know I would. Reverse psychology. Then he kisses her. She’s thrilled because she thinks she’s getting the first kiss, he’s thrilled because she stops talking. It’s a win-win.

Later, she tells the date No. 1 girls that she and Brad joined the Mile High Club, but doesn’t let them know she’s totally leading them on. They hate her. We love it.

Basket O' Stuff 3 arrives for the rest of the girls and we have a sailor’s hat. Ahoy, maties! Turns out our little crew is headed to the high seas, no deck swabbing or plank walking required. Could a lost at sea episode be on the horizon? Sadly, t'was not to be.

This date really turned on the heat – for Brad. As in he kept getting put in the hot seat by women trying overly hard to act fun and carefree and then suddenly going, “But seriously…” Automatic segue into Buzzkill Land. Who is sincere and who isn’t? It sucks enough when one girl wants to sit you down and tell you she’s ready to get serious, much less a dozen of them. With Brad’s tendencies to go on autopilot, I’d say by claim No. 3 this is falling on deaf ears.

That’s why it was so great of Solisa to give Brad the humanitarian lap dance he so righteously deserved…um, yeah. Mother Teresa has nothing on you, girl.

Minor Coast Guard incident with the jetskis -- Sheena cut off Brad’s boat. Translation: Now only one could go out at a time. Too bad Bettina took it as a chance to get physically closer to Brad and join him on his wave rider. O captain, my captain! I’m sure she’s wanted to ride his waves for some time, if you catch my drift. Oh, so many bad puns, so little time.

At her one-on-one, Bettina finally confesses to her divorce like it makes her a bad person. The wheels in her head seem to tell her that if she makes herself appear emotionally vulnerable, Brad will forgive her. Except, why should he need to? It’s a part of who she is. Is she not proud of whom she is? Wouldn’t she want someone who loved her for all of her? And if she was afraid that Brad wouldn’t, what does that say she thinks about Brad?

Sorry, just a few questions I've been mulling over.

Kristy gets the rose for her "fun side" she purposefully contrived, er, brought out. It was anticlimactic at best.Finally, it’s time for Chad to work his magic on the ladies as he pretends to be Brad. However, minor issue: Brad and Chad do not look that much alike. Stylists can only do so much. Clearly they’re related, but they have very different facial structures and mannerisms – that is so comforting! Brad’s theory is that if girls will tell Chad how crazy they are about him, Brad will know they’re not really there for him. Truly, this is a great way to start building trust between future in-laws. You know, or not.

So who figured it out? Most of the girls knew. Except McCarten was 50/50 and Sarah and Lindsey had no clue whatsoever. Idiots! Gosh! Eventually Brad and Chad come clean and we have the real rose ceremony.

So who's in?
Hillary
Estefania
Kristy
Sheena
McCarten
Jenni
Jade
DeAnna
Bettina

So the clueless ones and the lap dancer got the boot. Didn’t see that one coming!

The weekly breakdown:
The girls who are left are between 23 and 29, with two 26-year-olds and three 27-year-olds. We've got two Midwesterners, four Southerners, two Westerners and a lone Northeasterner. It appears that most of the girls left completed a form of higher education, are brunette (six) and have brown eyes (six).

As for the girls who left, Brad must be keeping us on our toes. They were in their younger-to-mid 20s, may not have gone to college, were probably brunette and had brown eyes.

Next week:
There’s about to be a what, a girl fight! Jade and DeAnna hate each other!

Jenni and Brad, solo date!

Improv show!

Meh!

As a reward for this silliness, producers reward us with: Another drunken clip of girls complaining. Really winning us over there, guys.

However, did you not love Hillary’s rant at the end that the Southern girls are using their Southern ways to try and convince Brad they’re best for him? “I’m the best girl, ya’ll, because I’m from the South and you’re from the South” she drawled without missing a beat. Somehow I like her more with that, even knowing she was duped on the kiss thing. Being from the South myself, I would say: Start feeling threatened!

So was Brad too rough on the ladies with the Chad thing?

How do you think his and Hillary's date went?

What did you think of last night's episode?

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