The Bachelor Recap: All My Exes Live In Texas

We're back for episode two!

We haven't been this excited since, uh, um, episode one!

So last night Kristy was all "Like OMG this house is so amazing!" and Michele was all "Like OMG I fell down the steps!" and McCarten was all "Like OMG kiss me!" and Jenni was all "Like OMG but I want the rose!" and Jade was all "Like OMG but Jenni brought her modeling portfolio!" and Brad was all like "Uh..."

That pretty much sums up last night's episode...

Our favorite host Chris Harrison comes in to tell the ladies that they’re moving into the house … which apparently already happened. We already saw the clips of it happening. So now the question is, what to deem this property? Stuccoville?

Also, group dates start today. And no group date can – apparently – take place without a big basket o’ stuff filled to the brim with everything and nothing. In later dates, this basket will be composed of emotions.

Date #1: So out comes our first basket o' stuff.

Blue ribbons! Horsies! Floppy hats! We’re off to the races!

And by we, I mean Erin, McCarten, Kristy, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, DeAnna and a few million anonymous voyeurs, but who’s counting?

The ladies showed up to sorority rush the races wearing brightly floral printed strapless a-line cotton dresses – not that there was a wardrobe formula, or anything. They were promptly led to a private box, where Brad awaited them.

“If I was a waiter at this table, I’d be sweating profusely,” said Brad, pouring the ladies a beverage. No need to be a waiter, son – it looks like you’re already doing a pretty good job sweating up a storm in there. Isn’t the point of being in a box in the first place to be in air conditioning? Then again, I’m not sure that Brad has the best history when it comes to picking boxes. Read into that what you will.

He tells the girls he’s going to give them cash to bet with, and suddenly it seems that a mini event will take place. Who will bet it all? Who will freak out crazy money-conscious Brad? But Brad, having already bet for the ladies, simply handed out the paper slips. As if there were any doubt, Brad’s horse won. Uh, he kept the best horse for himself? What exactly does that say about someone wanting to share their life with someone, hm? Hm?

Date #2: Our next basket o’ stuff arrives and sure enough, it’s full of bikinis (or what executive producer Mark Fleiss would refer to as “ratings”).

Jenni paraded around in another one of her fug headbands and waxed poetic about how their date is totally, like, going to be better than the other girls’ date because they’ll, like, be in bikinis and Brad will be in trunks and those other girls are in those big, lumpy dresses all day. Yes, Jenni, because nakedness is really good for building credibility and trust – precisely why exotic dancers are the holders of all our nation’s nuclear secrets.

Everyone was totally getting ready to catfight over who got what nonexistent bikini when Michele fell down the steps. She couldn’t even get up she was so injured. She was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a mild concussion. As paramedics strapped her onto the board, the others gathered in the hallway and continued drinking as they played peanut gallery. Naturally, none of the girls went with her to the hospital; they were too busy trying to get laid. Oh, did I say that out loud?

 At least Brad won’t eliminate Michele this episode. I’m pretty sure that a minor concussion earns immunity for at least one episode.

But enough about all that mushy gushy crap – we got the "naughtiest date in bachelor history" coming up!

Date #1: Hillary and Brad are alone and holding onto one another. All the girls are way jealous. HE HELD HER HAND! OMG HE TOTALLY LIKE IS HOLDING HER HAND!

Naturally, Shaun Phillips of the San Diego Chargers is in the next box and has T-shirts for everyone. Why does this guy need face time? Do he and Brad share an agent?

Brad then takes Shaun out of the room and asks his opinion on the ladies, which I myself always do with random professional athletes. Shaun's picks were McCarten and DeAnna. Rather interesting that he already seemed to know their names despite only knowing them a whole 2.5 seconds.

Suddenly, Michele called Brad on his (probably ABC-given) phone to explain what happened. He seems concerned. His brow is furrowed.

“How’d she get his number?” McCarten fumed in confessional. Yes, get angry! I want to see a rumble!

McCarten's fury brought on a surge on empowerment, and she decided to steal Brad for some alone time. The pair walked onto a grassy lawn in broad daylight -- the kicker being that she tried to kiss him (tried being the operative word). It was so weird that even I was cringing. You know when you go fishing and you first pull a fish out of the water and it’s gasping for air? McCarten kisses like that.

“I mean, I can’t lie, it wasn’t good!” Brad said after the fact. Looks like first out of the gate is Loss Of Love And Affection, followed by Awkward Pause and We Should Get Back To The Group trailing by a nose!

DeAnna and Brad escape to the roof of the box and she tells him about her broken 5-year relationship and how she was cheated on and Brad gives her the rose. They are interrupted by everyone crashing their alone time, suspicious of them getting too close. Brad looks shocked and slightly perturbed.

Date #2:Screw Paris Fashion Week, we have all the supermodels right here. Sashay, shante!

Brad shows up in his Beach Boys car and whisks them away. I don’t even recall him arriving back from the first date yet, so Brad is a master of physics, appearing in two locations at once. This is amazing!

The girls are excited as they give their confessional into broad daylight, causing them to squint. How awesome are our producers? I couldn't agree more: Let’s make this difficult for the ladies and slowly, psychologically, torture them until they snap. Again, executive producer Mike Fleiss would probably prefer these tactics be referred to as “ratings.”

Brad once more played bartender for the group and everyone pretended they were happy. Jade calls out that the house is divided into “good girls” and “bad girls” like every other dating show. Then, Sarah stole Brad away! Solisa made him do a body shot! But Solisa is very moral! Jenni and Brad kiss! Estefania is trying to be outgoing! Bettina has a secret – she’s divorced! Close the case file, boys – the witch hunt is over! (Seriously, if being divorced is the worst secret the producers could come up with, they must have been combing the nation’s convents to find these girls. Except Solisa, I suppose – she must come from The Little Sisters of the Moonlight progressive convent.)

We get back to the house and are shown vignettes of Brad's one-on-one time with certain ladies producers probably planted to build tension for the rose ceremony. Except there was no tension, because they were just random vignettes.

Brad’s first one-on-one was Michele. It seems very strained -- probably because he has to leave for Date #2. The editing on this episode was pretty heinous, so it’s apparent they spoke before the second date occurred.

Bettina is next, but doesn’t tell Brad anything about her divorce, although she should! DeAnna 'fessed to her old relationship! Everyone in the house being single and never married is not realistic anyway. It’d be like everyone in the house claiming to be a virgin … the jig is up, people.

Mallory is up next and Brad asks her what her idea of the perfect date is, and did anyone else think she’d say, “That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket”? But no, instead she gave a rather long-winded answer about breakfast in bed with really specific foods. Rather creeptastic.

Jade calls out Jenni on having her modeling book at the house and Jenni plays her “Woe is me I just want everyone to like me” routine. Oh Jenni, what’d you think these girls were going to do, braid your hair and read you bedtime stories?

Gretchen Weiners Jade brings the situation to Brad’s attention, becoming the informant. This will surely prove to be her double-edged sword. She came forward too early and will probably not make the last two. She will build distrust in Brad toward others, but also toward herself, though her only thought is to warn him. STBY, girlie.

So who’s in?

Solisa --> What in the heck is he thinking?!

Michele was totally screwed. And Brad eliminated her, even being the oldest! All the girls eliminated had really fake blonde hair, too. Wonder if he just wasn’t attracted to them. All the girls left are in their 20s, are generally from the South or the Midwest, are probably brunette, and probably have brown eyes. To each his own.

Next week: The circus is in town! And then Brad also takes the girls to see the animals! I’m sure every girl will be portrayed as a sideshow freak act. Brad and Chad switch places. Should be interesting.

Again, we feature a drunken girl clip, and I’m so over it already. Boo, producers.

Was Michele screwed?

What’d you think of last night’s episode?

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