TV Recap: The Bachelor After The Final Rose

Tonight we get the answers we've been desperately seeking!

On a side note: That's right, Brad, I hope you cry just a little bit. I hope you show me that you're real and not permanently affixed to a teleprompter. I want to believe all the rumors -- of having a child, of texting your ex throughout this season, of being gay, of going on solely to promote your bars -- are bunk.

But instead, I only find myself frustrated, angry, and with more questions that ever before. I feel like Brad and I just broke up! Tear!

That, and I kept having very nagging thoughts ... a sport of angel/devil situation on the shoulder, if you will. If you don't like subversive commentary...uh, don't read the bold parts.

We began with a sad montage, as per usual. No engagement, no promise ring, heck, Brad couldn't even promise the potential to date someone for a single date. Either he's totally full of it, or he has the I.Q. of a banana slug. Brad is always going to be a bachelor, isn't he?

But before we again meet up with Jenni and DeAnna, we welcomed some of The Bachelor's past successes -- all two of them, to be exact. If ever there was a time to plead for the show's future viewership, this was it, like a big neon sign from producers that said, "Hey, we don't suck -- Brad does! Love, ABC." First came Trista (The Bachelorette) and Ryan with their newborn, Max, followed by Byron (The Bachelor) and Mary. Trista said she feels badly for everyone involved this season, having been in that position herself, and also that Brad couldn't find what he was looking for in 25 girls. Byron and Mary are still engaged and getting married this month ... until Chris pulls out that he has a priest backstage to marry them if they want to take the plunge now! Politely, they said they'd do it on their own timetable, thank you very much.

But wait, a priest backstage? Would there be a sudden reconciliation this episode? I'd heard rumors that Brad did give a girl the final rose tonight, so maybe this is the ending we've been expecting/hoping for all along.

OK, there's not going to be a reconciliation. First of all, if there was, don't you think ABC would be pushing that like whoa hardcore in the promos? Secondly, what makes you think Brad isn't back together with his ex? And, on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars, he was in the audience, and allegedly said that he was engaged. So clearly, if he didn't pick either of the girls on the show, he's just doing it for the free promotion. Finally, what about the girl online whose friend is a cocktail waitress at the Marq, one of Brad's bars, and says the guy has been hooking up with people left and right since returning to Austin? Plus, he's a guy -- 'nuff said.
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After commercial, Jenni and her new hair came out. Hey, girl, I shopped at Hot Topic, too -- when I was 13. She was "crushed, devastated" when Brad told her his non-feelings. Chris stressed it seemed clear she was the frontrunner -- the first rose, the first kiss, et cetera. Jenni cried watching her clip montage. "I want this, I want this so bad," she said, as if realizing through her sobs that background research, idealism and hard work don't always equal success.

"It's hard to watch," she said. She stressed that she was being for real and proud of herself for doing it. Yes, Jenni, you get straight A's; here's your cookie. Chris and she then embarked on a discussion of how she is glad she told Brad how she felt, because if she didn't, she would have kicked herself for not saying those things.

She is most upset that she thought Brad had picked DeAnna all this time, when it turned out he picked no one. Why couldn't he have told her that DeAnna wasn't being chosen, just as DeAnna knew that Jenni wasn't being chosen? Jenni also didn't understand how Brad wouldn't even try to date either of them -- in fact, it's why she's lost respect for him. However, Jenni's real waterworks ran when the show aired a tribute to her hilarious grandma, who passed away after the show wrapped.

I really felt for Jenni when she came out ... because clearly she has an UNFORTUNATE STYLIST. Yeah she's way more adjusted than DeAnna, but something about her didn't seem to grasp the situation. I mean I get it, she wanted to be in love so badly and there wasn't anything stopping her from falling into it (sadly, I'm referring to love and not The GAP). But she gave away a huge part of her ... to Brad ... which, to me, exhibits questionable judgment at best. Does she usually date such d-bags? Hm...
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After commercial, DeAnna was the next to appear. When asked what happened, DeAnna admitted she didn't know; she just left more confused than ever. During her montage, she seriously purses her lips at Brad's comment about having just sent Jenni home. Hm, still a very touchy subject.

"It hurts," she said. "I felt like I laid my heart on the line and someone stabbed me in it." She admitted that she was collected and cool until Brad walked away from her on the podium. That was when he became nervous and scared -- and knew he wouldn't pick either of them. To be fair, that's probably hindsight bias, but we'll let it slide. She is still in love with Brad -- has feelings for him, thinks about him every day.

Chris: "Maybe the problem was with him?"
DeAnna: "I think so."

She also explained that while Jenni just knew she wasn't chosen and left, DeAnna was the one burdeneed with knowing both girls hadn't been chosen.

When asked about the show's fans, DeAnna responded with, "You have no idea how hard it is to smile and say, 'You'll just have to wait and see.'" If Brad hurt her so badly, even she is confused why she would give him a second chance if he came around tonight. But then again, why would she want to give someone a second chance who let her walk out of his life before?

GRR! OF COURSE THE PROBLEM WAS HIM!!! Didn't middle school teach you anything? Boys are stupid -- throw rocks at them!!! You speak your mind and are fabulously well-adjusted, I get it, but go to your awesome family and call it a day. If Brad walked away, totally his loss.
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Finally, out comes Brat, er, Brad. Right off the bat he's defensive, and the whole situation isn't making any sense. The audience women seem to sense this and almost recoil at the sight of him. He says his heart was broken, too, whether people believe it or not, but that he didn't feel love for either girl in his heart. He contradicted himself in this nature throughout the special, just building my rage. He doesn't know why he didn't get the butterflies -- in fact, he doesn't seem to know himself well enough to know anything about why 25 hand-selected women just didn't do it for him. He doesn't know why he bought a ring, either.

Chris admits that the show was so certain Brad was going to propose to DeAnna, they even flew her dad out -- at Brad's request, no less. Uh, last time I checked, you don't fly someone's dad out to ask his permission unless you're really sure.

"I have a few problems -- I'll admit it," Brad said.

But now Jenni was going to get her turn to confront Brad. First Brad tried to put his arm behind her back on the sofa, then friend-patted her leg, then admitted he didn't know if he couldn touch her or not, even if it was the last thing she wanted in the world -- yawn. Over it! He stressed he was so confused by having feelings for two women that the two basically cancelled one another out; how when he was with DeAnna he was thinking of Jenni and vice versa. Table for Cop-out, party of 1! But did Brad say those things to Jenni and DeAnna just because he wanted to? Maybe.

Brad said he just didn't see anything long-term with her, to which Jenni responded that perhaps he was just too scared to commit, but hoped he'd find happiness some day.

Jenni, when you wish someone happiness, it's like saying you forgive them for hurting you. I get it, it's the mature thing to do. But the man led you on on national television -- and what's worse, he did it to two different women! I mean, we accustom ourselves to let Brad lead on one of the two final girls because he's contractually bound from telling anyone that they're going to be eliminated -- but you even admitted the things he said to you led you on! And you're not going to be friends with this guy, so let him have it while you've got him on the hot seat! It'll make a great story for the grandkids!
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After commercial, it was DeAnna and Brad's showdown. This was going to be good!

The short version, after the jump:
DeAnna: Why couldn't you choose one of us?
Brad: I didn't think we could continue a relationship.

This is such crap. You didn't want to continue a relationship Brad; stop trying to make it mutual. You don't get to use the word "we" at this point. Oh, I'm sorry, you want a hug now, don't you? Too bad! No hugs for you!

DeAnna: Last time I saw you, you said, "See you Saturday," and I said, "Don't remind me!" To which you replied, "Don't worry, it'll be a good day."
Brad: And at the time, I meant it. It really was a last-minute decision.

Chris: Why walk away completely?
Brad: Because she deserves a better guy.

Chris: Were you looking for an excuse? The 100% in love thing makes for an easy way out...
Brad: It's not an excuse.

Man, he looks so uncomfortable, and anxious -- and he just did his collar-loosening thing again! And his legs crossed away from DeAnna? Boo. At least she had the nerve to demand answers, then realize he was being shifty and not telling her jack. That could have been their entire relationship. She and Jenni and the other girls were lucky.

"I mean, I just started to think that I couldn't be with one person ... and in that moment, I realized I had to hurt you. I haven't admitted to myself yet how much I suck that I hurt you, but now I know why I'm a bachelor. I'm sorry this is the way it came out." That -- or something like it -- would have been preferable. Don't sit there and squirm and say things that in a roundabout way mean, "I'm sorry you feel that way," AKA "It's not me -- it's you." No! That is so frustrating! Why is he being such a Catty McCatbag right now?!?! Everything he says is a cliche and contradictory, which leads to believe he's being totally fake. The part that sucks the most? I've seen real-life footage of him. Dude is obviously awesome in real life. He may suck at relationships though. Guess we're not all perfect. Honrorable mention at the Darwin Awards, anyone?

I have a lot of notes during tonight's episode about Brad being a douche and a gigundo catbag, but I'll save you the reading. But we learned little, and maybe even too much he was calmly chatting with Chris after the women had left. Hopefully Chris and Brad are very happy together!

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