The Bachelor Recap: "I Take Thee, Brad, To Be My Sugardaddy..."

I won’t lie; I don’t watch a lot of The Bachelor and I know little about it. I remember Andrew Firestone and Jennifer Schefft (love her!), but other than that, meh, not so much.

Say all you want, but apathy is the perfect attitude for a commentator to have, considering these whiny bimbos have done nothing except show off monster cleavage and enough frosted tips to convince me that global warming is no longer affecting the planet.

So it goes.

We lead off with the opening Bachelor countdown…956 roses…620 limos…355 women…8 proposals…

Our countdown would be so much cooler; it’d probably go something along the lines of 4 stifled laughs of pity…3 eye rolls…2 drunken slurs…and a partridge in a pear tree.

We’re always hoping that reality programs will be less predictable than scripted dramas, but let’s get real: Even today’s reality shows are scripted dramas. It’s not necessarily the production team’s fault; it is pretty hard to make a show 1 ½ hours that could easily be done in 10 minutes. However, there does seem to be a Bachelor program formula:
Step 1: Show footage of the hot guy.
Step 2: Show footage of the hot chicks probably just doing what producers asked them to (i.e. bed-jumping).
Step 3: Introduce the so-called crazy drama/jealousy issue between the women.
Step 4: Finally humanize the man by actually letting him get in a word or two.

Speaking of which, it’s just not natural, this whole “I jump on beds while waiting for a big event” footage bit. I’m already picturing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doing the exact same before his speech at Columbia University yesterday.

Not too many people who spend this much time hanging out socially getting ready to meet men. But, admittedly, I, too, once was in a huge group of girls who clung together for the sole purpose of meeting men – cough sorority life cough. And if these girls didn’t learn anything from their time in undergrad, the audience is already predisposed to have little sympathy. Somehow I don’t see these women painting each others toenails and having pillow fights. They are totally above that nonsense – it is so Rock of Love!

At this point we launch into the whole small town doublewide background on our boy Brad. He talks about how where he lived, it was either go college or go into the oil business. Cliff's Notes version: He graduated summa cum laude from the School of Hard Knocks.

Brad again says he’s here to find true love; he wants to find his soulmate. He says this at least 5 trillion times. You have to give it to the guy; at least he’s consistent. Don’t we all, buddy? Do you know anyone who wakes up and says “I’m dying to be lonely and miserable”? Oh you do not.

We pull into the huge house compound and meet up with Chris Harrison, also known as the world's most famous wingman. Can you believe he's been peddling this opening monologue for 11 seasons? And his pause time is so painfully long that I could knit a sweater between sentences. I’d rather watch Wedginald the celebrity cheese age.

But enough about men. They’re overrated. Time to talk about these women. The producers make it too easy for us, as they interview several of the women in one-on-ones. Fish in a barrel, people; fish in a barrel.

The highlights:

  • Self-proclaimed “Silly” Hillary hopes Brad, like, likes her, like, and stuff. Keep in mind that she’s the nurse.
  • DeAnna’s strategy is to talk Greek, and what theory could possibly be better than confusing the crap out of him?
  • Lori’s plan is to not get drunk, and I secretly begin to suspect she’s one hot mess away from an AA meeting.
  • McCarten will just let people dig their own graves – she’s not going to be the one to save them. Clearly she’s a graduate of Soc101: How to Alienate Everyone and Swipe the Reality Star as taught by Spencer Pratt.
  • Melissa claims she won’t be “an evil, crazy beyotch” -- which means she’s either a total wet blanket or she’s the crier Executive Producer Mike “Big Pimpin” Fleiss warned us about.
  • Jade predicts drama. Just call her Ms. Cleo!

Chris and Brad sit down and have a talk about how Brad feels about this whole process. Not only are we stalling for time, but he’s clearly trying to convince viewers to keep watching by continually referring to Brad as “the sexiest bachelor ever.” B-rad does not think about himself as being hot. He gets bullied into admitting he’s a millionaire.

He’s not up for these media tactics and may be in for more than he bargained for.

As for what Brad’s family thinks, they’re thrilled! He says his brothers have seen some of the previous successes on The Bachelor. I can’t tell which claim is more incredulous – that the relationships on the show are considered successful or that his brothers actually watch the show. Don’t you just have trouble picturing the brothers Womack cracking open some brewskies, on the edge of their seats, and whispering with breathy anticipation, “Gosh, I sure hope Carol gets a rose”?

Plus, “successes?” F’real? Out of 10 previous seasons, seven are broken up. If you were a pro baseball player, your odds would be great, but the odds for a lasting relationship? Not so much.

He says that he’ll propose, which on The Bachelor screams Promise Ring Central. I’m just waiting for the entire ring aspect to go out the window and we just depreciate to lavalieres.

At this point all the girls arrive and we either kill a lot of trees writing it all or we just acknowledge that it happened. And since my hand is doing all the writing, guess who makes the call? The only thing I noticed was that he stared at a lot of butts -- is that why this is TV-14? Also, why is the ground all wet? Did it rain, or did production just do that for effect?

When Brad again launches into his diatribe about finding true love, I’m inclined to believe him – he does consistently say the same things. However, that’s also his problem; he always says the same things. We all picked up on his default greeting mode: If he had nothing to say, he used the “beautiful name/dress” line, followed by the “I’m excited to be here” line, followed by the “I can’t wait to see you inside” line. By the time No. 25 made her appearance, even Brad was over the whole ordeal. The key to his heart is going first – that way, you don’t get written off in the monotony.

As the ladies clamored for one-on-one time, it became a huge circus. The ladies went all (metaphorical) balls to the wall and pulled out a random quirk to try and set them apart. Some were intentional; others weren’t. Some drank (hey, that’s impress a bartender, right?), some went out in a bikini, some stuck out their tongues or just whined a lot. And Lindsey: Please never sing again. Ever. This idea was like a dog whistle – only you could hear it.

Juli whipped out her human pretzel move, and it was tragically not hot. Drunky McDrunkdrunk AKA Melissa took 2 hours to realize her fake boob cutlet fell out of her dress and rambled on about sweetness this and sweetness that. I realized it would be the total sweetness if she would just shut up.

As far as the First Impression Rose, I was sure he was going to give it to Ms. “Take off your pants and join me in the pool” Mallory, but instead gave it to Jenni. Grr, why?! She is the most annoying one in the house because she has that really annoying Kerri-Strug-on-helium laugh. Of course, no one ever said the First Impression Rose had to be a good impression!

In the end, here’s who made it into the house:

What was with all the breathy acceptances? Had they done a few laps before going up?

Randomness: He picked two 23-year-olds, two 24-year-olds, four 25-year-olds, two 26-year-olds, three 27-year-olds, one 29-year-old and one 30-year-old (four Midwesterners, two Northeasterners, six Southerners and three Westerners, which means we so called it based on averages in yesterday's post!). He also picked a lot of the girls who didn’t necessarily need to have gone to college for their profession -- a comfort zone thing, perhaps? Also chosen were six blondes and nine brunettes, and 10 of the girls had brown eyes. I’m not even going to try and speculate what a 23-year-old grad student has in common with a 34-year-old man with one year of college. Those girls do not want to get married. It seems like he just wants to make out with someone hot.

So we had a toast, some girls cried, and then we saw this season’s clip montage. We saw him closing the shades – with a girl in the room (my bet’s on Solisa, whom he probably already knew). And 911 is called for someone blonde? And, he clearly gets his by making out with more than a few of the ladies.

Sadly, we ended with a Melissa montage that was truly unnecessary. The girl knows she messed up; the show should have given her a break.

I’m so glad that intro show is over. Now we really get to see some true colors.

Who are you rooting for this season?

Is Brad the hottest bachelor yet?

Like this? Want more?
Connect with Us
Follow Our Pins

Yummy recipes, DIY projects, home decor, fashion and more curated by iVillage staffers.

Follow Our Tweets

The very dirty truth about fashion internships... DUN DUN @srslytheshow

On Instagram

Behind-the-scenes pics from iVillage.

Best of the Web