Bad Vibrations: Am I dependent on a vibrator?
"I can only have orgasms with a vibrator. When I manually stimulate myself, I get really turned on and feel the buildup. But when I'm having partnered sex, it suddenly it backs off just before I reach a full orgasm. It's kind of as if my transmission is stuck in third gear and can't get into fourth. I did once reach climax by manual stimulation, but it took a long time and it wasn't even strong. My boyfriend and I are starting to get sexual now, and I would like to wean my body off of the vibrator, because I don't want to have to use it every time. What's the best way to do it?"
Question:Michael Ra Bouchard, MA, PhD
Dr. Bouchard is a board-certified clinical sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. He lives in Hawaii, where he founded the Aloha Sexual... Read more
From what you've just described, it sounds to me as if your body has become trained to respond to the extra stimulation of a vibrator that hands -- or a lover -- simply can't provide. And, as you're apparently beginning to discover, this "extra kick" can become a double-edged sword because the sensations your body has come to expect, and indeed crave from the powerful vibrations, are nearly impossible to match with your own hand or your lover's touch.
So what to do? You're definitely on the right track when you mention that you've been thinking of weaning yourself from the vibrator, at least partially. I think vibrators are great for women (and men) but are better used occasionally than regularly in order to be able to experience full pleasure from other means. As with any form of sexual play, the more variety we use, the better. As such, I suggest that you take the time to become reacquainted with your own body again -- without the vibrator. Try this: touch yourself all over your body EXCEPT for your genital areas, seeing just how turned on you can become through your own self-touching, non-genital pleasuring. You'll be surprised at how your body will respond when you take the time to leisurely turn yourself on.
Then, after getting yourself really worked up, go ahead and move south. Let your fingers slowly discover just what kind of touch feels good, great and fabulous to you. You may want to use some saliva or personal lubricant to increase the pleasurable sensations. Be sure to focus on stimulating all of your vulva and vagina, perhaps also using your fingers inside while caressing your outer lips/labia and your clitoral area. Some women find direct clitoral stimulation to be simply too intense, at least until they're close to climax, whereas others find direct clitoral stimulation ideal. See what feels best for you.
Also, when you find yourself "getting stuck in third gear," go ahead and put yourself in neutral for a minute or two. Stop what you're doing and take a short breather to let your body reset before taking up again where you left off. By repeating this as often as needed, you'll likely find yourself going into higher and higher sexual excitement until finally your orgasm just spills on over.
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