How familiar does this
scenario sound: Girl meets less-than-stellar guy. Girl dates less-than-stellar guy. Girl gets broken up with by less-than-stellar guy, and girl sinks into a horrible funk over losing, quite frankly, a guy who probably wasn't worth her time in the first place. So what's with all the tears? When he's not that into you, who stops to consider that maybe, just maybe, you aren't that into him either? Ian Kerner, PhD, asks this eye-opening question in his book Be Honest ‑- You're Not That into Him Either
, and shows you how to raise your standards to find the great love you deserve.
Playing It Safe: When You're Only into Guys You're Not Really Into"I tend to find myself in relationships with men I know I'm not that into because it's safe."‑-Olivia, 31, advertising sales, Atlanta
One of the possible scenarios for falling for a man who you were never that into to begin with, or who reeled you in simply for the challenge, is that it may be a relationship in which the main attraction is simply the lack of attraction. Strange as that may sound, it happens a lot.
A lot of women end up dating men who they know they're not into (or who are otherwise inappropriate for them) because there is less risk if it doesn't work out. When it ends, they can say, "Well, he was not right for me anyway," and then climb right back onto that treadmill, only to repeat the cycle.
The problem with this sort of pattern is that it eventually results in dramatically lowered standards. You may think you're not giving up a little, but as a result, you end up giving up a whole lot.
And how much worse is it when the loser guy you went out with primarily as an ego boost (let's be honest here) winds up rejecting you? How much worse do you feel as a result? It's a vicious downward spiral that you originally got into for the feeling of presumed safety of superiority, and you then end up feeling lower than low in the end. I mean, how could this not-so-attractive guy who doesn't dress particularly well and still lives with his mother wind up rejecting you
? Could he really have found someone better? Is the dating scene truly this cutthroat? And if so, what will you do about it? The next time, you'll probably aim even lower. And so it continues until you hit rock bottom and finally decide that you're better off alone.