Where Do You Stand on Goody Bags -- Trash or Treasure?

Dear Parents of Every Child We Know,

Thanks again for inviting us to celebrate the miraculous birth of your child. We are sure we will enjoy the (please choose) bouncy house/pony rides/hired magician/Wiggles cover band! As the party date draws near, I was wondering if we might make one small request.

You see, we have a small-ish house that is already being overtaken by dime-store tchochkes. We have baskets and bins overflowing with stickers, spinning tops, silly bands, sticky hands and star-shape sunglasses. Excuse us for being so graphic, but we have kazoos coming out of our wazoos. You’re infinitely kind to worry that we might one day find ourselves in that perilous pickle where we’ve written something we wish to retract, but trust us, we have more erasers around here than the Duggars have diapers. We have enough putty, pinwheels, foam fingers, bouncy balls, bubble blowers, rubber ducks and random neon bendy people to start our own dime store. So while you might feel pressured to present each guest at your upcoming party with a token bag of junk -- I mean, parting gift -- I just wanted to go on record and say simply: We’re good.

If you really need to thank our kid for gracing your child's birthday party with her presence, maybe you could try a single, small, useful item -- a few crayons or a card game? Or better yet, take the cash you save from not ponying up for a bunch of planet-cluttering crap and make a donation to a charity you support.

We hope you will consider starting a a new trend this year and send our kids home from the festivities with nothing but a sugar buzz and a smile. We promise to return the favor next spring.

Love, Us