Blame His Star Sign: Why Men Do the Weird Things They Do

ON Jan 6, 2003 at 1:14AM

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If you find yourself blaming the full moon for your man's bad behavior, you'll certainly benefit from learning more about his star sign -- especially the dark side of his sign. In Born on a Rotten Day, author Hazel Dixon-Cooper points out the trouble with some guys born on certain days. If you're confused by the antics of a particular man, match his birthday to his sign below and find out what the stars have to say. Harsh? A little. Entertaining? Very. True? That's up to you.



Aries (March 21-April 19)

"Arrogant. Pompous. Vain. Cruel. Verbose. Show-off. I've been called all of these. Of course, I am." --Howard Cosell (March 25)

Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter what his age. He's as friendly as a puppy, downright fearless, and rather like one of those weighted clowns that children punch. You can knock him down, but he will always bounce back. And, for as long as he loves you, he will be faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak in the knees, make sure there's a sofa handy to fall on, because by the time you've swooned, this Romeo will have moved on to his next conquest. Aries men are in love with love. The appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill of the chase, not your charming smile.

Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a knight in shining armor. However, you are just as likely to get run down by his charging steed as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he was also a royal pain in the butt, all Aries traits. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere's dress, he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur. In Lance's point of view he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is the only one that counts. The Ram fears mediocrity more than death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in town than just another anonymous working slob. He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit he flings with careless abandon. He takes pride in being more self-centered than Scorpio and more obtuse than Taurus. He's sure he's right. Especially when he is wrong.

Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash, and ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for action. Don't be fooled by the shy type. He may come on all "Aw shucks" and toe shuffles, like Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face, or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the best way to get you into his bed in the shortest possible time.

On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago was a brass plate with the inscription Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare--If you don't swing, don't ring. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip, hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and well, and still the quintessential bad boy at 76.

Remember all of this before you buy your wedding dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to worship the ground he makes you crawl on while he declares his need for freedom. He will require you to have the house sparkling, the grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he gets home from his latest adventure. He'll leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder. When he appears at the table, he'll expect you to have a gourmet's delight in one hand and his favorite cold drink in the other. And, you'd better look like you just stepped out of the pages of Vogue. This man chases the ideal. He doesn't want a real woman, with real needs. He wants the adoration of Mommy and the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy centerfold. He thinks he is indestructible, but he's extremely accident-prone and seldom gets through life without a few broken bones, several concussions, and a couple of totaled cars. He is restless, fidgety, and has frequent head aches.

Just as he is either brash or shy, he'll either be a spendthrift or paranoid about starving to death. You'll have to clip coupons and buy pork and beans in bulk while he plays Mr. Fix-It with the plumbing. You'll learn to sew and to raise your own veggies while he attacks his latest moneymaking scheme with the same fierce energy that makes him shout at the TV and practice road rage in the church parking lot. If he's loose with cash, you'll have to work two jobs to keep the creditors off your back and a roof over your heads.

Mr. Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will smash the glasses and put his fist through the wall one minute, then want to screw your brains out the next. And he will be genuinely surprised when you resist his ardor as you're bent over the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.

Your favorite martian will start a little war to have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay out until all hours. A Leo would announce that he's going out with the boys, and a Capricorn would tell you he's working late at the office, but Aries needs to rationalize his bad behavior. If you're the bitch, then he is still the hero. The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call him Butthead.



Taurus (April 20-May 20)

"The great question -- which I have not been able to answer -- is 'What does a woman want?'" --Sigmund Freud (May 6)

He's patient, prudent, and persevering, a tower of strength on whom you can lean. You'll fall for his shy charm and those big, sad eyes. He may remind you of a slow-talkin', slow-walkin' hero like Gary Cooper or Henry Fonda. His needs are simple: home and hearth, a good woman, and a nest egg for that rainy day. Before you start drooling, read on, sweetie.

Taurus may offer old-shoe comfort, but what you're likely to get is an army-boot mentality. Hook up with the Bull and either do things his way, or do your thing alone. He won't mind your independence, if it benefits him in some way, and as long as dinner is ready when he appears. Don't expect to be showered with praise and lavish attention. Do expect to be cast into the role of the little woman. Of all the men in the universe, this one expects the 1950s textbook version. He will buy your clothes, pick your friends, and criticize your beliefs. He is judgmental and fixed in his ideas, attitudes, and prejudices. Nothing you can say or do will change him. You'll have the distinct feeling of being boiled alive slowly, just as the proverbial frog, and you will be right. Mr. T invented the smothering relationship.

He is jealous, possessive, and obsessive. Piss him off and he'll hold a grudge. Unfortunately, it's not a silent one. He will snipe and pick and make nasty remarks until you want to bash his head with the nearest blunt object.

William Randolph Hearst provides a classic example of the Taurean love of possessions gone berserk. He spent tens of millions of dollars to build himself a real castle filled with priceless art and furnishings from all over the world. According to Hollywood legend, Hearst built the castle for his ladylove, Marion Davies, because his wife refused to divorce him. Talk about a gilded cage and a grim fairy tale. You would think a guy with all that power and dough would have no trouble buying off a wife. Well, Marion didn't get a wedding ring and she didn't get the castle. It was his castle, filled with his possessions. She was just a living adornment for the furniture.

The Taurean love for food is renowned, and the Bull likes to eat. By your second anniversary he could be wearing triple-X sweats and a truss. He is capable of eating himself into multiple heart attacks and will expect you to play nurse for real.

His idea of excitement is switching from the food channel to Wrestlemania. It's convenient, not too far from the refrigerator, and best of all, doesn't cost anything. You may be irresistible, and he may love you madly, but he will never understand why you need any other company but his. If he does take you out, it will be to one of his favorite restaurants, where he'll be too busy stuffing his face to make decent conversation.

He's a cheapskate. Only a Taurus could live on a beer-and-beans budget unnecessarily. He may have millions, but you'll never see the bank accounts, although you might get an allowance. If you do get his money, it will only be because you outlived him, or murdered him in his sleep. The latter will become a tempting idea as time goes by.

Sigmund Freud's use of psychoanalysis was a breakthrough in the field of psychiatry. But only a Taurus man could be at once so obtuse and so egotistical as to define a woman's frustrations and unresolved emotional distress as penis envy. Freud's Scorpio ascendant only fueled his obsession with sex. Virtually all of his theories held sex responsible for all the emotional ills of mankind. Including Sigi, who had a lengthy affair with his wife's younger sister. The original Freudian slip.

The Bull's favorite game is Grand Inquisitor. He will expect you to report every detail of your day. He will also rummage through your private papers and read your diary at the first opportunity. If you have a past and are foolish enough to reveal it, he is capable of using it against you at any time for the rest of your life. Your best bet is a safe-deposit box, and to lie your ass off.

He is so stable, he's inert. Work and home are all he knows, or needs. Although he's marathon man between the sheets, what he really wants is a housekeeper, and is so insensitive that you must hit him with a skillet to get attention. If you're the type who needs excitement now and then, you could lick the light socket or have an affair. With a Taurus man, I'd opt for the former. The Bull is not the forgive-and-forget type. Although he hates change, he is perfectly capable of tossing you out on your ear one day and moving in your replacement the next.



Gemini (May 21-June 21)

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." --Tony Curtis (June 3)

He is simply irresistible. The Gemini man is a fun-loving, independent, roguish romantic who has a doctorate in flirting. He can cook an exotic dinner. Then dance with you in the starlight, point out the constellations, and capture your heart with his beautiful version of their myths. Don't invite the wedding guests yet. While you are mentally compiling the guest list, he will excuse himself to get you a fresh glass of chilled wine, and while in the kitchen, manage to phone three other girls for dates next weekend. The only thing this schmoozing, womanizing, party animal is interested in is adding your phone number and bra size to his ever-increasing list of victims.

Gemini movie star Errol Flynn was long regarded as the black sheep of Hollywood. The phrase "in like Flynn" was coined as tribute to his ability to score. His real-life adventures, rebellions, and general unruliness rivaled those of the swashbuckling heroes he portrayed. Flynn was married three times and cheated on all of his wives. His first wife, French actress Lily Damita, said, "You never know when he's telling the truth. He lies for the fun of it." His life was one of cheerful excess. But, by his late forties, his hurricane-force existence had taken its toll, and he was a burned-out shell of his former, lively self. Flynn died of a heart attack at 50.

Your Twin will probably not be quite as bad, but all Gemini men have a gypsy moth's fatal attraction to a pretty face. Totally faithful Gems do exist, but are rarer than a shy Sagittarius. In fact, the word faithful has a different meaning to a Gemini man. Think of Gemini Brigham Young, the Mormon founder of Salt Lake, who had 27 wives. I'm sure that, in his mind, Brother Brigham considered himself a devoted and faithful husband. In my mind, he was in Gemini paradise.

Yours will have five hobbies, four careers, and an assortment of friends that resemble a mini-United Nations. But, his intellectual prowess is limited to his memorization of the various versions of Trivial Pursuit and entertaining his friends by tearing you to pieces with his merciless, acerbic tongue. He lives to put down people, and will call you fat ass in public, or snap his fingers at you when his glass is empty. Cold-hearted and calculating, he is a blatant social climber and will propose on the first date if he smells money. As a husband, he is ambivalent. The only thing this guy's passionate about is being entertained.

If you think love means being together at least some of the time, sharing dinner, and watching the tube, you had better find yourself a homey Cancer, or a quiet Virgo, and send this horny hound dog packing. Or you could look on the bright side. You may be hysterical and freaked out half the time, but you'll never be bored.



Cancer (June 22-July 22)

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." --Hunter S. Thompson (July 18)

The first thing you'll notice is his genuine, and adorable, smile. The Cancer man is sweet, chivalrous, and has a wonderfully off-beat sense of humor that can be downright loony. He is sentimental, sensual, and truly affectionate. He is a traditionalist who respects the proprieties of courtship, believes in family and forever, and he's absolutely the best snuggle-bunny in the universe.

You may see an ideal mate, but what you get is an ideal stalker. A male Crab's idea of devotion is bonding at the hip, so unless you are prepared to become his Siamese twin, run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. In bed he is tender, but so passive that you'll soon tire of always being on top.

His devotion is legendary. However, don't say "I do" until you understand that this extends to every friend and relative he's ever had, especially mother. It's not above him to wait until the honeymoon to tell you she's coming to live with you as soon as you return.

He's subjective. His favorite game is "Guess How I'm Feeling." You will be expected to read his mind, sense his moods, and mend his fragile ego, all without benefit of knowing what has upset him. Don't worry. Everything upsets him. Forget to buy toothpaste, and he'll decide you don't love him anymore. Say you want a night out with the girls, and he'll expect divorce papers in the morning.

Conversely, he will be so blind to your feelings that you will soon find yourself thinking of ways to escape. Try talking rationally, and he will become morose and overemotional. He's so preoccupied with his own sensibilities, and his basic character is so convoluted, that he simply can't believe you don't feel exactly as he does on every issue. He's as moody as the female Crab, and punishes any perceived slight by retreating into his metaphorical shell to pout.

Consider Cancer Ross Perot's run for the presidency. Perot prided himself on playing daddy, boss, and teacher to us less enlightened folks. When faced with the inevitable opposition, he took it as a personal affront; packed up his charts, graphs, and pointer, and went home. In typical Cancer fashion, after a suitable period of withdrawal (punishing those who would not see his light), he decided he might jump back in the political ring if asked. I suppose he's still waiting.

The male Crab is as paranoid about security as the Bull but, in a financial crisis, will expect you to do all that nasty stuff like making a budget or working two jobs to ensure the family's future. He'll be too ill with a case of stressed-induced acne to show his face in public.

He will stop at nothing to get you to agree with his point of view, even if it's only on the best flavor of ice cream. Anything less is total rejection. First, he will explain in excruciating detail why pecan is better than black walnut. Next he'll try his rote lost-boy look to win your acquiescence. If neither tactic works, he will sigh, say he's not hungry, and sit brooding in front of the TV. You better be prepared to either give in or live in silence. Before you gratefully choose the latter, remember silence to a Crab is punctuated with long, mournful sighs, minor to major groans, and frequent whimpering mutters.

A prime example of a male Crab in action is King Henry VIII. When Henry wanted to divorce his first wife, Catherine (a Sagittarius), to marry Gemini Anne Boleyn, you would think that he would have said, "So be it." Instead, in typical Cancer style, Henry tried to ensure that everyone in the kingdom agreed with him. He dragged out the barge, visiting his royal advisors up and down the Thames. He petitioned the Pope for an annulment, even encouraged Catherine to say their marriage was never consummated.

When Catherine refused, he locked her in the Tower of London. When the Pope refused, King Crab created the Church of England, installing himself as its secular head. Through alternating displays of temperament and torture, he secured most of his noblemen's support. Then, true to his changeable nature, he had Anne beheaded, in just under three years of marriage, after it had taken him five years to fight the battle to marry her in the first place.

While your Crab will probably not have you dispatched, he is totally capable of blinding himself to everything that doesn't reflect his narrow, ever-changing viewpoint. And you will suffer a tedious display of relentless carping and whining aimed at securing your slavish, unquestioning devotion.

Since you're in a no-win situation anyway, you might as well tell him you like boysenberry sherbet, you've just quit your job, and by the way, is that a pimple sprouting on the end of his nose?



Leo (July 23-August 22)

"I make it up all different every time I'm asked." --Andy Warhol (August 6)

A Leo male is warm hearted, generous, and dignified. He's a genuine romantic you won't have to tempt twice to go for a moonlit stroll or to your favorite hideaway for the weekend. The Lion seeks a mate who is stable, family oriented, and intelligent. His family adores him, he keeps his friends laughing, and he's always the center of attention. In the office. In jail. At the beach. He's the center of attention. Always.

His favorite game is Commander-in-Chief. A Leo will snap off orders with the crispness of a general ordering his troops and expect you to move at double time to wait on him hand and foot. He demands to be rewarded for coming home in the evening, and he demands your respect, whether he deserves it or not. Should he remember your birthday, nothing but a blatant display of fawning will satisfy his ego.

He rarely loses his temper as long as you call him "master" while bowing in respect. Challenge his authority, and he will roar, kick the sofa, and issue a couple of ultimatums designed to strike fear in your heart. As soon as the scene is over, everything is forgotten. Be stupid enough to deliberately wound a Lion's pride or, worse, attack his dignity, and you'll soon feel like a pound of ground round being sized up for dinner.

If he's a quiet Lion, he'll be a benevolent dictator who wants you to hover over him constantly. He'll want you to rub his aching shoulders and tell him how fit, strong, and wonderful he is, no matter what his age or physical condition. He, on the other hand, will not hesitate to tell you that your hair is a mess, your ass is too big, and that you have the intelligence of a gnat. When you burst into tears, he will be genuinely shocked because, in his mind, he was only trying to give you the benefit of his wise counsel.

Study the character of Professor Henry Higgins in Leo George Bernard Shaw's play Pygmalion if you want an object lesson in the character of a male Lion. After berating, humiliating, and lecturing Eliza Doolittle, he refuses to praise her efforts and, instead, takes credit for her success. In typical Leonine befuddlement, Higgins runs shouting for his mother when the girl finally tells him to get lost. Eliza had to be a Capricorn.

In a playful mood, the Lion may act like a clown, but there's nothing easy going about his nature. Tell him he's being silly, and his mood will change faster than a Cancer under the full moon. Leo wants an audience, not a critic.

He's cocky. At his worst, he's a combination of Felix the Cat and Napoleon on steroids. He'll wear dark glasses at night and make passes at anything that walks, crawls, or slithers. He'll spend money faster than you can earn it. And by the time he's 40, will resemble an aging teenage hoodlum with his beer gut hanging over his too-tight Levi's.

It's said that Leo men always look taller than they really are. This is because they all wear either shoes with lifts or cowboy boots with four-inch heels. Leo shorty Napoleon Bonaparte invented high-heeled shoes for himself, not Josephine.

He will drive a monster pickup that you have to use a ladder to climb into. When he skids into your driveway after knocking over the mailbox, he'll lean on the horn until you appear, then kick the passenger door open with one of his $400 steel-toed boots. Ever the gallant, when he notices he can't see your eyes over the running board, he'll jump out to assist you, and gleefully chant, "Gropin' and hopin'," while standing behind you.

His vanity knows no bounds. He'll have a tattoo on his butt and not hesitate to drop his drawers at the poolroom to show it off. He, of course, thinks he's the world's greatest lover, which he announces to anyone within a 10-decibel range. However, there's really very little to be said. Two words do come to mind -- frequent and enthusiastic. His definition of foreplay is "Get in the truck."

Everything about a male Lion is exaggerated. Leo Diamond Jim Brady not only had a huge appetite for food but for lavish excess as well. True to his Leonine nature, Diamond Jim was the most flamboyant character of his time. The owner of his favorite restaurant called Brady his "best 25 customers." Brady regularly tipped $100 for $2 taxi rides, and his famous collection of 30 complete sets of jewelry was estimated at the time in excess of $1,000,000. Diamond Jim was just as extravagant in love. He had a dozen gold-plated bicycles made so he and long-time girlfriend Lillian Russell could cruise Central Park in style. Her favorite bike had handlebars covered with mother-of-pearl and spokes decorated with rubies and sapphires. In true Leo style, Diamond Jim was both vulgar and magnificent.

Whether yours is a stuffy, overbearing egotist or a wild and woolly jungle cat, the key to taming a Lion is knowing how to react. Next time he's snarling, lecturing, and posturing in the kitchen because dinner is five minutes late, ignore the fit, smile, and tell him how nice it was of him to fix the neighbor's lawn mower yesterday. He'll start to bluster, puff out his chest, and forget all about chastising you. Then he'll agree it was nice of him. It was damn fine, as a matter of fact. And, during dinner, he'll regale you with the tale of his virtuous deed. It's that attention thing.



Virgo (August 23-September 22)

"I'm not afraid to let people know that I'm kind of an idiot." --Terry Bradshaw (September 2)

He's faithful, thoughtful, and cool-headed during a crisis. A Virgo man will be home in time for dinner, help you balance the checkbook, and help raise the children. Whether he's as sexy as Sean Connery, or as silly as Peter Sellers, he will always be by your side. He's conscientious, capable, thrifty, kind, and loyal. Sounds like a real boy scout, doesn't he? Well, he is -- the bargain basement version.

Life with a male Virgin is like being pushed into traffic when you don't want to cross the street. Born with a superior attitude and an eye for improving everything except his own conduct, he is as relentless with his fault-finding as a pit bull locked onto a mailman's leg, and just as unsympathetic.

At his worst, he's a classic chauvinist, dismissing what he doesn't believe and believing only what's convenient to his point of view. His one talent for conversation is a nonstop string of criticisms about every facet of your existence, from the way you wear your hair to your coupon-clipping ability. And he won't hesitate to insult your intelligence by demonstrating just how to accomplish either task.

At his best, he has the kind of predictability that will give you sleeping sickness. He'll expect dinner promptly at six, where you will exchange news of the day's events. Then he'll spend an hour with the children, who will go to bed exactly at eight. Next comes an hour of telling you how to improve your housekeeping abilities. Finally, he'll retire to his home office where he'll spend the rest of the evening mumbling over the bills or developing a plan for your self-improvement.

His character is purely idiosyncratic. Every Virgo has his own peculiar thought process and just as peculiar speech pattern. Many self-made Virgo millionaires are unable to utter a sensible statement.

Throughout his career, legendary Hollywood producer Virgo Samuel Goldwyn adamantly refused to compromise his search for the finest talent, directors, screenwriters, and technical crews. You can't argue with perfection, and The Goldwyn Touch set a standard of excellence that has been seldom, if ever, matched. Sam also had an unmatched Virgo talent for trying to act superior and coming off as a total goofball.

When his secretary asked for permission to destroy files that were more than 10 years old, Goldwyn said, "Yes, but keep copies." He's also credited with such gems as, "Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success," "If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking," and "True. I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer maybe."

Argue with yours, and he'll stare at you as if you've just lost your mind, for he can't believe you dared to disagree. Then he will repeat, word by word, the conversation, question, or disagreement that led you to throw the toaster at his head. Soon, you will feel as if ants were crawling through your brain and will apologize just to shut him up.

You can take comfort in the knowledge that if you are determined to force his hand, you can send him to bed with a stomachache. The fact that he's pretending to be ill, and he knows you know it, makes no difference. A male Virgo will feign anything from a head ache to a heart attack if he feels cornered. He's as loath to confront a situation as is his opposite, Pisces, but where Pisces fears confrontation itself, Virgo fears facing any unpleasantries about himself. Of course, he will expect you to rush to his side with chicken soup and spoon-feed him. If he can't control you with his superiority, he'll try to by appearing helpless.

He may appear to be calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but on the inside he's pure Felix Unger. The effeminate, priggish, germ-phobic half of the Odd Couple is a classic example of the Virgo male. In his unyielding efforts to save slob Oscar from his boorish ways, Felix totally lost sight of his own obnoxious behavior. His deodorant-spraying, dust-rag-flapping, nonstop derision of Oscar's lifestyle, coupled with his melodramatic hypochondria, is totally Virgo. If you want romance and love songs, choose any other sign (except Capricorn), because you won't find it with this man. Serve him dinner by candlelight and he'll complain he can't see what he's eating. He'll talk a lot about sex and isn't above leering at the nearest pretty face. However, he's really not into promiscuity, even the legal kind, except on Wednesday and Saturday nights, unless it's tax season, then revise that schedule to Saturday from 9 to 9:15. He's so methodical that you can put a cake in the oven and be assured that his buzzer will go off five minutes before the kitchen timer.

A Virgo man is nervous, nitpicky, and as selfish as a spinster guarding her assets. Emotional scenes baffle and alarm him because he fears losing control. Unless, of course, he plans to lose control, and even then he will try to orchestrate the outcome. Like Mr. Spock, too much unbridled passion makes his brain melt.



Libra (September 23-October 23)

"I can resist anything except temptation." --Oscar Wilde (October 16)

He's funny, charismatic, and oozes charm. His sense of style is impeccable and his lively, friendly personality puts him at the top of everyone's A-list. A Libra male is an idealistic dreamer who believes in world peace and fair play. He will take you to the most expensive restaurant in town, declare his adoration in front of the smiling patrons, and drop to one knee to propose. Before you exclaim, "Yes, my darling," make sure he's still looking at you. By the time he's slipped the engagement ring on your finger, he will have spotted his next conquest walking toward the bar.

A Libra man is perfectly capable of marrying you on Saturday and starting his next string of affairs on Sunday. He's fickle, inconsistent, and constantly on the prowl. Never mind Aries or Gemini. When it comes to love, the male Libra is as flaky as a used car salesman sniffing out his next sucker deal.

He's shallow. You may start thinking of a future together after a couple of rounds of his polished sexual prowess. However, to him, future is defined as until tomorrow morning, when he'll most likely forget your name before he finishes flossing his dazzling white teeth.

He's superficial. A Libra man prefers beauty to substance and expects to be blindsided by the emotion of perfect love. Oh, you'll hear bells ring, but, after the honeymoon, those harmonious chimes quickly turn to death knells. He doesn't want a real woman who will jar him out of his escapist daydreaming into a world of house payments and crying children. He wants a Barbie doll to cook, clean, and entertain his endless procession of casual friends.

He's not into anger. Pick a fight with him, and you'll get a half-hearted argument. Usually, he will verbally dodge, sidestep, and try to distract you from the original issue with all the nimbleness of a Capricorn skipping out on his alimony payments. Contrary to venting his anger, he will drive you to vent yours.

At best, he's an indecisive bumbler who's so easily distracted that he'll get sidetracked into spending the day at the races with a friend he met in the supermarket while you and the kids wait for dinner. Or he'll come home empty-handed from the paint store because he couldn't decide which shade of green to buy for the hothouse.

At worst, he's king of the lounge lizards. The seventies should be renamed the Decade of Libra Man. Wizened lotharios from this era still have their blue polyester leisure suits, gold chains, pinkie rings, and an original bottle of Hai Karate. The modern versions wear leather vests over bare chests and strut like peacocks down the middle of the dance floor during the band's break, hoping every eye is turned in their direction.

He's a master of double-speak. Think of Libra Oliver North's statement, "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." Ollie is the Libra poster child. The only thing this guy will spend hours rationalizing is his bad behavior.

He's also self-obsessed. Libra Timothy Leary used all of his formidable intelligence and personal magnetism to force the world to agree that his endless quest for a bigger high was actually the key to brave new worlds. When faced with the inevitable opposition, Leary reacted in typical Libra fashion. He devised an entire thought system to detract from his self-indulgence. In his mind, the rest of the world made a terrible error in judgment by not embracing his philosophy. And that issue was more important to his Libra soul than proving that the path to God was sprinkled with LSD and magic mushrooms.

Mr. Scaly has a give-and-take nature. You give. He takes. He will expect you to flatter his ego, coo as he preens, and help him pick the tie that best matches his eyes as he prepares for a night out with his friends. You, on the other hand, must never depress him with tedious details such as an overdrawn bank account or a leaky roof. Whether his dimpled good looks outweigh his self-serving ego is your decision.



Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

"If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect." --Ted Turner (November 19)

Whether he is tall, dark, and handsome or short, blond, and chubby, a Scorpio man is idealistic, passionate, and loyal. He will mesmerize you with his candid, purposeful stare and capture your heart with his magnetic charm. He may be as cuddly as Sinbad, or as sexy as Leonardo DiCaprio; wear a white collar, a blue collar, or no collar at all; but here is the man who is impossible to resist. Think you've hit the jackpot? Think again, sweetheart.

Loving a male Scorpion is like falling for King Kong. Oh, he's sexy and, underneath that aloof exterior, surprisingly sensitive. Of course, that tidbit of knowledge may not help when you are handed divorce papers because you said his best friend was a low-life slob. Other guys might sit down to discuss their feelings. Mr. Intense will sit down and rip yours to shreds.

He is selfish. Never mind that you are married to him or in a serious relationship. The Scorpion's idea of commitment is showing up for dinner most of the time. His emotion switch is set at subzero, and he won't hesitate to be unfaithful until he's dead. However, contrary to popular belief, he is not sex-crazed. That trait belongs to cousin Aries. Scorpio is terrified of deep emotional dependence on just one person, so, in his usual ass-backward way, he screws around precisely to avoid intimacy.

A male Scorpion has two reasons for living. The first is power. The second is control. He would control fate if he could -- and some try. He will usually be a good provider because his desire for power and control drives him to become successful in his chosen profession. But money is rarely his primary motivation. Financial gain is only a by-product of becoming Mr. Big. His moods change faster than a Pisces flipping the remote, and he will test your love by demanding the devotion of a religious fanatic at a revival meeting. He's so jealous, possessive, and sarcastic that you will be tempted to poison his oatmeal. There's no handling a Scorpion. You either put up with him or run like hell.

Deliberately awaken this man's green-eyed monster, and you better have a shovel handy. You are going to need it to either defend yourself or dig your own grave. Remember this before you are foolish enough to plunge into an affair, or worse, a legally binding relationship.

The worst thing you can do to a Scorpio man is to not react to his emotional intimidation tactics. If he demands to be alone, applaud. Curb his sarcasm with a yawn. If he says he wants an open marriage, tell him you thought you already had one. When he announces he's going out without you, tell him to have a good time, then smile as if you know something he doesn't. He'll pretend to leave, park around the block, and sneak back to lurk in the bushes, convinced that you are cheating on him. He's as obtuse as Taurus when he thinks he's right and will stand in a rainstorm all night, muttering to himself, while you are cozy by the fireplace.

He communicates by threat. The foremost one is that he's leaving you. He also lies. The only thing harder to rid yourself of than a Scorpio man is a Cancer woman. A male Scorpion frequently looks like he just ate a cactus. That's because he spends half his life getting even for some real, or imagined, slight and the other half causing all his own troubles.

Consider Scorpio Teddy Roosevelt. During a summer break from Harvard, 18-year-old Roosevelt entertained several friends from New York, including Edith Carow, a girl for whom he had great affection. Unfortunately, Edith (a Leo) flirted with several of his friends during the festivities, and Teddy reacted like a typical Scorpio. He married someone else. After his first wife died, again in classic Scorpio style, Teddy sought his first love. They were married for 33 years and had five children.

Yours will be so secretive that he would rather have his fingernails pulled out than tell you what he had for lunch. He's morbidly afraid that if he dares to share any serious facts, or fears, you may get the upper hand. That's why he's so good at small talk. He can blather for hours about every piece of minutiae in the world, but ask him a direct question, and he will clam up and rush outside to mow the lawn.

Your home will be either near water or hidden in a cul-de-sac behind a tall fence. He would live in a place that's accessible only by helicopter, except that it would screw up his Thursday-night dates with the cocktail waitress at the Bowl-O-Rama. If you do catch him between the wrong pair of sheets, he will put on such a display of groveling, whining, and begging that you might think he's suffered a breakdown. Don't be fooled. He thrives on intensity and is as much masochist as manipulator. He will do anything it takes at that moment to gain your forgiveness, except change. Scorpio is fixed water. He exists in a bottomless well of churning emotional excess and is so embroiled in trying to figure out his own emotions that he will never understand yours. Being sucked into the vortex of his charm is akin to getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. You may or may not survive the trip.



Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

"My divorce came as a complete surprise to me. That will happen when you haven't been home in 18 years." --Lee Trevino (December 1)

He's honest, trusting, and eternally optimistic. He won't restrict your freedom, or expect you to drop your nights out with friends in favor of staying home with him. He may have a wry perspective on life similar to Mark Twain's or the diplomacy of Winston Churchill. An Archer wants a companion to accompany him on frequent, spontaneous outings to wonderfully diverse places, because to him, life is to be explored and enjoyed.

Before you decide he's your soul mate, understand that a male Sagittarius has the same attitude toward commitment as does his mythological symbol, the Centaur. He spends all of his youth and most of his adulthood in continual heat. He is an accomplished lover, but it's the deed he desires, not you.

You no doubt fell for his boy scout smile and talent for quoting Shakespeare while simultaneously unfastening your bra. But, as a partner, he makes a great friend, one you won't see very often because his idea of home is a place to drop in when he needs a change of clothes or a shower. Since an Archer could happily live in a cave for months, eating crickets and contemplating his navel, even if you marry him, you'll feel like you're still single. Don't expect to lean on his shoulder or cling to his arm. Do expect to be his pal (or groupie) and to spend many nights alone. He's neither jealous nor possessive. In fact, he wants you to have a life independent of his because that allows him more time for drinking beer with his buddies and following his favorite football team around the nation. He is the one guy in the universe who was born to be a bachelor. He won't care how you dress, who your friends are, or where you spend your time, as long as you don't bother him with the details. He's too busy elucidating his latest theory for solving all the problems of the world.

Archers have opinions on every subject under the sun, and cannot answer even simple questions with a plain yes or no. Ask if he wants a ham sandwich, and he'll answer with the history of Earl of Sandwich, the 16 different kinds of bread you could use to enhance the flavor of the meat, and a dissertation on mustard.

Michael de Nostradamus, the sixteenth-century French physician and mystic, had the distinct Sagittarian penchant for expounding on the mysteries of the universe. In typical Archer style, the good doctor's visions were not only voluminous, totaling more than 1,000, but were carefully crafted, allowing endless interpretations. This ensured that whatever happened, he could be credited with prophesizing the event. Only an Archer would be as audacious and irresponsible as to predict events 2,000 years into the future. And only an Archer could do it with such a flair for the art of bullshit.

A male Sagittarius respects authority, as long as he's the authority figure. Question his right to rule and you'll soon understand the meaning of Jupiter's wrath. He has a nasty temper and his volcanic eruptions result in expensive trips to the nearest home improvement center for wallboard, nails, and plaster.

He's impulsive. Send him out for milk, and he'll come home with reservations for the midnight flight to Peru. He might invite you along, and then again, he might tell you that since you both know he has more fun alone, he bought only one ticket. If he does take you, you will spend half your time dragging him out of the local hot spots where he's trading pickup lines with the natives and the other half tracking him through the jungle as he searches for the meaning of life. You'll be better off staying home hoping he gets kidnapped by pygmies.

The Archer's favorite game is Bad to Worse. Tell him the sink backed up, and he'll flood the basement because he forgot to turn off the water before he tore out the plumbing. Ask him to forgo one of his several nights out with the boys in favor of a quiet dinner at home, and he'll rant and rave that you are smothering his need for freedom.

Even lovable Archer Walt Disney had a dark side. Remember all those endearing fairy tales he brought to the screen? Bambi's dead mother and a raging forest fire. The orphaned Lion King stalked by his own family members. Snow White and Cinderella: One with a stepmother who wanted to cut her heart out, and the other who was forced to become a servant in her own home.

Yours will step on your toes, bore you with rhetoric, and hurt your feelings with a thoughtless remark. After all, he is a fire-breathing dragon. But, this guy is more like Pete's Dragon, Disney's character who flops along meaning no harm and leaving little lasting damage.



Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

"I'm a workaholic, and when I'm not working, I'm hiding in my basement." --Howard Stern (January 12)

He's strong, dependable, and a bit shy. Whether he's rich or poor, he dresses impeccably, acts like a gentleman, and most likely owns his own business. A male Capricorn will impress you with his reserved good manners. He may remind you of one of those old-time tough guys with a heart of gold, like Humphrey Bogart, and his favorite movie will probably be It's a Wonderful Life. Before you tear up over this sentimental fact, understand that the movie's evil banker, Mr. Potter, is the hero he's modeled his life after.

Living with a Capricorn man is like being tied to a horsehair-upholstered armchair and forced to listen to a continuous loop of Night on Bald Mountain. By the third date, he'll have decided whether he wants to make it permanent, which will have nothing to do with whether you feel the same way. Once he's fixed his beady little stare on you, he can make the most devoted Taurus look fickle.

Cappy loves applause as much as cousin Leo. However, where the Lion seeks adoration, the Goat sees it as an affirmation. No matter what means he uses to get where he's going, once he's there, he'll act like he's just one of the good old boys. During Prohibition, Al Capone's bloodied climb to the top as king of the bootleggers was unmatched in the annals of American crime. Capone dispatched friends and enemies alike with the same cold indifference. He was a model of Capricorn ruthlessness. But he also exhibited the Goat's need to be socially acceptable. He dressed more like a captain of industry than killer, and saw to it that his intimate circle of henchmen did likewise. Capone attended the opera, immersed himself in Chicago society, and tried his best to give the appearance of a benevolent bad boy just taking advantage of the times by supplying the relatively harmless vice of illegal liquor to an adoring public. In typical arrogant Capricorn style, Capone not only broke the law; he publicly dared the law to catch him. And though it finally did, Scarface Al didn't go to jail for bootlegging. He rode up the river on a tax-evasion charge, and history has it that once he was in Alcatraz, he became Boss Con.

Romantically, your Goat's basic attitude is that you should keep your mouth shut and your legs spread. Early in the relationship, he may forget himself and choke out an "I love you." Even if he marries you, he probably won't say it again. He will figure that if he made it legal and allowed you to quit your job so you could stay home to wait on him, that's proof enough.

Depending on his financial status, he'll have either a mini office or a hotline to his bookie in the bedroom and will regulate your lovemaking with the same cool know-how he uses either in the boardroom or poolroom. He can be surprisingly passionate, once he feels comfortable enough to lose his inhibitions. But since he's not into role playing, sensual massage, or the use of mood-altering substances, you'll need the patience of a saint, and the persistence of a Virgo. It may take months to get him to lose the pajamas and quit shaking hands before jumping between the sheets.

He invented the double standard. The public credo of the FBI's head Goat, J. Edgar Hoover, was a bug in every bedroom and a rule for every action. The fact that Hoover publicly scorned any behavior that was a hairsbreadth left of fascism, and wore a dress in private, is a classic example of the Capricorn's code of conduct. It applies to everyone but himself.

He's condescending and totally oblivious to anyone's feelings but his own. He sees himself as the great patron and expects to control your checkbook, social calendar, and household schedule. He's so tight, he'll inspect the toothpaste tubes before you toss them away and make a once-a-week trip to the recycling center instead of using the curbside container. Unless he's a chef or an auto mechanic, he won't shop for dinner or get his hands dirty changing the oil on the car. But he will dictate the grocery list and give you permission to call the auto shop he recommends. He doesn't want a partner who thinks. He wants someone who looks good on his arm. If you are a Libra, he's probably your ideal mate. If you are the independent type, be prepared for an onslaught of power plays that makes Scorpio look like a rank amateur.

His motto is, "Do as I say, not as I do." He has the annoying habit of trying to make you feel like a dog he's just saved from the pound and expects the same loyalty and blind devotion in return. Should you manage to pierce his hide and wound his ego, he'll shut himself away in a darkened room and brood. Use the respite to catch a nap.



Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

"Start the day with a smile, and get it over with." --W.C. Fields (January 29)

If he isn't actually brilliant, an Aquarius male will be at least an innovative thinker who envisions a wonderful future and usually finds a way to make it real. His delightfully spontaneous side will prefer unplanned treks to out-of-the-way places; his practical, respectable side makes him secure and stable. He reads books, is concerned for the environment, and will simultaneously be your best friend and decidedly unconventional lover. Think you see a romantic breath of fresh air heading your way? That panting you hear crashing through the underbrush belongs to a cross between Drs. Strangelove and Frankenstein.

At best, he is an arbitrary, irritable eccentric who lives inside his own head, but is overall fairly harmless. At worst, he's a cold-blooded, cheerfully vile monster who will subject you to endless mental tortures, then watch you crumble with the emotional separation of a psychopath. He may have as caustic a tongue as W.C. Fields, who called his famous Leo co-star Mae West "a plumber's idea of Cleopatra." Or live for years, looking and acting as normal as anyone else, then go out for milk one day and disappear.

A male Water Bearer has delusions of grandeur that would shame a Leo. He fancies himself as the world's savior, whether the world wants saving or not. And he will not hesitate if he must to force his plans for change upon an unsuspecting group. Consider Aquarian president Franklin Delano Roosevelt, whose grandiose scheme for relieving both a suffering economy and millions of unemployed Americans included the New Deal. Social Security tax, social welfare, and the World War II victory (income) tax, all sprang from his vision.

Whether you agree with his political views, Roosevelt cannot be faulted for his humanitarian attempt to help the masses. However, in typical Aquarius fashion, the plan had little detail or built-in restriction, so it laid the foundation for the tangled mess we have today. Like the good Dr. Frankenstein, his intent was to restore life, but the result was an uncontrollable monster.

The Water Bearer is neither selfish nor domineering, but that's only because you will see less of this man than a Sagittarius traveling salesman. He won't physically leave home because his trips are all in his mind. But he will virtually live in the garage or basement tinkering with his latest invention, trying to contact alien life forces, or calling the FBI and offering his services as master spy.

He is fixed air, and like his cousins Leo, Taurus, and Scorpio, he doesn't play well with others. He is as obstinate, tenacious, and attention seeking as those guys, but he's also ingenious at mind games. It was probably an Aquarius male who caused the legal system to devise the term mental cruelty.

He's twitchy. Most male Water Bearers have a nervous grimace that people mistake for a lopsided grin. His electrically charged personality makes him the king of snap judgments, endless pronouncements, and long answers to questions you never asked. On especially wild days his mere appearance causes dogs to howl and cats to hiss.

He may be into substance abuse -- not to delude himself as Pisces does, but to simply calm him enough to hold a job. And the amount he can take and still function would put any other sign in a coma. He's paranoid. He will keep the curtains closed, the TV tuned to CNN, and the answering machine in action. He will expect you to report any unusual activities at the grocery store, or on your job, which he will immediately assimilate into his latest disaster fantasy. He will frequently hold conversations with the person standing three feet behind you, the one only he can see.

Although he loves to roam around the house naked as a lover, he prefers a good book, unless you capture his attention by appealing to his perverse side. The more bizarre you look and act, the better he likes it. Pretending that silver buckle you're wearing is really a tiny nuclear weapon, which may or may not detonate the exact instant he does, will drive him into a sexual frenzy. Strap it around his waist, tell him he's the ultimate sex machine, and you will be set for a night of multiple pleasures.

He's inventive, original, and, when in balance with his Saturn nature, an unstoppable force. Consider original shock rocker Aquarian Alice Cooper. True to the Uranus-ruled side of his nature, he allegedly took his stage name from a seventeenth-century witch who spoke to him via the Ouija board. Of his band he said, "We were into fun, sex, death and money, and we drove a stake right through the heart of the love generation." Cooper's wild-eyed expression, fright-night hair and makeup, and onstage penchant for flaming objects and gruesome theatrics such as mock hangings, guillotining, and murder of infant dolls that gush blood, all in the name of good fun, is vintage Aquarius. And as any true Water Bearer, he believes his job is to leave his audience feeling like they were "at the greatest party they were ever at in their lives." His offstage life merges nicely with the Saturn side of the Aquarian nature. Cooper has been married to the same woman for 20 years, has three children, coaches Little League and soccer, is an avid golfer, and raises more than $150,000 a year for charity.

Whether yours is a weird-but-harmless genius or a sarcastic anarchist, life with the Aquarian male is as wild a ride as you can get on planet Earth.



Pisces (February 19-March 20)

"If I'm to be a chauvinist pig, I want to be number one pig." --Bobby Riggs (February 25)

He's a dreamboat who lives for romance, and his hypnotic charisma will leave you weak-kneed and breathless. He may be a visionary like Copernicus, or a joker a la Billy Crystal, but a Pisces man is intuitive, caring, and sympathetic. No other male in the universe is as capable of profound love and devotion. Unfortunately, he's so in love with himself that you don't stand a chance.

The male Fish is the emotional black hole of the universe. Toss your heart, soul, and car keys, and all will disappear forever. This guy learned at an appalling young age how to weasel his way out of work and charm his way into bed. He's definitely sensual, sexy, and cute, in a debauched sort of way. Don't let the facade fool you. At home he may be a quiet little Fish, swimming around and around the beer bottle, but romantically he is the great white shark of the zodiac. A Scorpio man will hurt you because he has a morbid fear of rejection. Your Pisces guy will do it just to keep his teeth sharpened. He's a natural born liar. And he's honed the art until he fools himself. Such as when he's perched on his favorite bar stool, watching the sports channel and ogling hot bodies, but telling himself he's gathering material for the novel he plans to write. The only thing this loser will ever write is a smeared phone number on his cocktail napkin.

He's self-destructive. Pisces Desi Arnaz had every thing. Looks, career, and for its time, a state-of-the-art TV show with wife, Leo Lucille Ball. Arnaz possessed the extraordinary talent for both creative artistry and business acumen. He also possessed the extraordinary Piscean thirst for alcohol, and roving eye, which ultimately left Ball no choice but to divorce him. Ball became a megastar. Arnaz battled alcohol and obscurity for the rest of his life.

He loves sex games. Feel free to wear your nurse's uniform but expect him to play patient, not doctor. Buy a dog collar and he will bark. Introduce him to your best friend if you dare, but don't leave them alone. He will have affairs anywhere, any time, with anyone who will hold still long enough. And with an icy detachment that rivals his Gemini cousin. The Fish can leave you full of his declarations of undying love, drive straight to his favorite watering hole, and pick up the first available body. Or, full of his divine spiritual fervor, a la Pisces Jimmy Swaggart, hop in his Caddy and head for the nearest hooker. In classic Pisces self-delusion, when caught with his parables down, Swaggart blamed the woman for being a minion of the Devil who tempted him to stray. Then, he gave one of the most spectacular public displays of improvised remorse and Emmy-caliber acting since the night female Fish, Tammy Faye Bakker, ripped off her false eyelashes on TV to prove that she wasn't afraid to reveal her real self. Can you say Amen?

Don't expect your Fish to be the breadwinner. Some Pisces males start on a career path early, but if yours hasn't dropped the remote and picked up a degree by the time he's in his late twenties, forget it. You will end up with a ne'er-do-well who thinks making his fortune means winning the lottery, and that Real TV is culturally educational.

If you are a Virgo with a job, house, and checkbook, or a Cancer who doesn't mind playing nursemaid for the rest of your life, this guy was meant for you. He's tedious. He has a compulsion to use the same cliches he's used since high school and will invariably run a subject straight into the ground in the shortest possible time. Telling him he's not funny only eggs him on, because he's not after your laughter, he's out to provoke you.

All bluff and no substance, Mr. Fish is a cast of thousands and even he doesn't know what scene he'll play next. But, since he does like role-playing you could pretend you're the Lone Ranger and ride on.

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