Photo Credit: Gone Wild
Yesterday, some 91,000 classified U.S. military records were posted on WikiLeaks, including top secret information concerning the nine-year war in Afghanistan. Trying to make light of a serious situation, I asked myself, "What secrets do I have that I would absolutely freak out about if they were leaked to the public?" There was the time my friend E and I stumbled home drunk from the bars and, desperate for something greasy or fatty to soak up the Captain and Diets sloshing around our stomachs, ate cream cheese-frosted carrot cake. Out of the garbage can. (It was in a plastic container, but still.) Or the time I convinced myself I had some sort of horrific STI, when in actuality it was a giant, Spin class-induced pimple. (Spinning Transmitted Infection?)
The fact is, in our quest for a hot body, even the sanest of women can find themselves dangling off the precipice of Mount Crazy. In an attempt to gather more examples of humiliating diet, fitness and beauty secrets, I sent out an emergency APB (All Points Bulletin), asking women about their WikiLeaks body image equivalent. I was secretly hoping for someone to outdo the time I drove home from the gym in a clean top and flip flops but no underwear or shorts. (My gym clothes were sopping wet with sweat and I somehow forgot clean bottoms of any sort at home -– a fact I realized after emerging from the shower.) From a herpes cream tummy tuck to drunken jogging, my peers did not let me down:
I ate a cake in a closet while I was on the Aktins diet.
I chewed and spit an entire bag of sugar-free jelly beans in the drugstore parking lot.
I shave. My face. Freakin' growing a GD beard!
I once drank two glasses of wine and ate a bowl of fries and then went running less than 15 minutes after finishing all that off because I was stressed I would gain a few pounds and wouldn't fit into my tight dress the next day! It was crazy because I was buzzed while running!
I used to eat straight spoonfuls of maple syrup with a couple squirts of spray butter before I found out how bad it was for you. I also eat jelly by the spoonful.
When I was in pageants, I use to put herpes cream on my stomach and sleep in plastic wrap before a big event because I thought it would temporarily suck in my stomach.
I tweeze the dark hairs that grow on my navel and I only shower every three days. My skin stays softer and my hair is less dry. I wipe under my pits with baby wipes to refresh.
I used a random toothbrush in some guy’s bathroom the morning after to avoid morning breath.
I once cut my labia trying to trim my pubes with the scissors on my pocket knife in a restaurant bathroom. You do not want to know why!
I used to routinely wear two padded bras, one over the other, to work out in. I called it Build-a-Boob.
I wore a rubberized waist minimizer under my clothes during kickboxing. It was supposed to make me lose belly fat. Instead, I got light-headed and had to sit with my head between my knees. And it gave me wicked crotch sweat.
I shaved my husband’s nasty back before going to a pool party.
Do you have any classified secrets to leak? Chime in below.