Can I Help My Depressed Boyfriend?

ON Feb 17, 2005 at 5:15AM

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My boyfriend got laid off from work two months ago and has become depressed. He sleeps a lot, doesn't joke around anymore and is having a hard time finding work again. He started smoking pot every day, and this concerns me because his personality has changed so much. He also started taking antidepressants a week ago. Is he eventually going to be his happy, funny self again? I just don't know what to do. Question:
ABOUT THE EXPERT

Brenda Shoshanna

Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, therapist and certified divorce and family mediator. She has written five books, including Zen and the... Read more

Getting laid off can be a tremendous blow to a person's self-esteem. Rather than deal constructively with their feelings, some people take it personally and begin to question their own self-worth. It sounds like your boyfriend is unable to cope with what happened to him, and is also having a tough time moving forward with his life.

Sleeping a lot and smoking pot are symptoms of depression. You say that his personality has changed quite a bit and he is presently on antidepressants. It can take a while for the medicine to take effect, but even when it does, it is extremely important to realize that medicine alone is not the answer to a situation like this.

It's likely that the ordeal of losing his job was a catalyst that brought already existing feelings of inadequacy to the surface, and sooner or later he will have to face the fact that these are issues he'll have to work through. He should do this with the help of a therapist, but first he must recognize that there's a problem and decide to get the help he requires.

When an individual is focused on escaping ‑- through sleeping, drugs, etc. ‑- it can be hard to get through to him. But you can help him realize that he must confront these issues. Sometimes, if a person is shocked into facing his condition ‑- if he fears losing something important ‑- it can help to mobilize him. You can let him know that you can't go on living with him this way, and that unless he goes for psychological help, the relationship is in deep trouble.

You also have to set some boundaries for yourself. Decide how long you will wait to see improvement in him. Decide what is needed for you to have a healthy relationship. Then see if he is ‑- or if you believe he will be ‑- willing and able to provide that.

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