Can you have an orgasm and not know it?
Dear Dr. Patti:
I was wondering if there was such a thing as a "missed orgasm." I mean when you physically have an orgasm, but it doesn't register with your brain that you had one? During intercourse, I rarely feel like I have had an orgasm, but sometimes, afterwards, I get the throbbing sensation that tells me maybe I did. What could it possibly mean? --L
Question:Dear L:
I love the interesting way you put your question. There is not much data to support this notion of a "missed orgasm." Many of the female clients that I work with report that they experience some of the symptoms you describe, most of which indicate an incomplete orgasmic release, not a brain glitch. Although several body systems are involved in tracking and producing an orgasm, the way you describe your sensations leads me to think that you are getting stuck in a phase of sexual response that actually precedes orgasm.
The five phases are: desire, the onset of arousal; excitement, the aroused state that is accompanied by certain bodily functions, such as changes in heart rate, skin color and blood engorgement; plateau, that state of heightened excitement, where many women experience not being able to get over the waterfall to their full orgasmic potential for releasing sexual tension; orgasm, the release or discharge itself; and resolution, when things resume their normalized state.
You are probably not getting ample direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to produce a vaginal orgasm. I suggest you do the following: Concentrate on relaxing before you start being sexual. Breathe into the experience, allowing your mind to follow the breathing, without thinking about having an orgasm. Move your pelvis during sexual intercourse, to permit its opening up the flow of both energy and blood circulation. Keep your focus on the present moment and the pleasant sensations that you are feeling. These steps will help you stay in the "now" and keep you from freezing up.
Also, I highly recommend your using a handheld vibrator that you can apply on the clitoral area to enhance the sensations and stimulation. Finally, ask yourself what might be missing in the experience of intercourse for you. Make sure that your mind, body, heart and spirit are engaged in the process and that the person on the other side of the bed is who and what matters for your sexual pleasure to work. Get Betty Dodson's Sex for One for an inside view on the orgasmic experience.
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