Is Cellulite: Women as Baldness: Men?

Deep thoughts, by Leslie Goldman.

Sitting on the bus last week, staring at a sea of backs-of-heads in front of me, I realized something: A lot of men are losing their hair. I realize this is not earth-shattering news, but it doesn’t really hit you until you start purposefully looking up and realize, Wow, there are way more Bruce Willises than Robert Pattinsons out there.

Then I started thinking, “Are these guys self-conscious about their cue balls?” Because, while I don’t even bat an eyelash at whether a guy has hair or not (everyone from my grandpa to my therapist is bald, and I love them both), I’m sure that watching one's hairline recede can be a tumultuous process.

That’s where my Never Say Diet mentality clicked in. Imagine a little light bulb clicking on above me on that bus, a look of mild alarm widening my eyes. “Maybe,” I thought, “being bald is for men what cellulite is for women.”

After all, consider these commonalities shared by both cellulite AND baldness:

-Women and men go to extreme lengths to fix both cellulite and baldness, including surgery, drugs, makeup, pills and more.

-Cellulite and baldness afflict the vast majority of our respective sexes (making butts like this and heads of hair like this statistical freak shows), yet we constantly strive to rally against nature.

-Mature members of the opposite sex most likely don’t even notice cellulite or baldness, yet we let it define how we feel about ourselves. 

-Bald men and women with cellulite often feel self-conscious, undesirable and tend to zoom in on our perceived flaw every time we look in a mirror.

-Both are, more or less, totally out of our control.

Writing out these similarities actually made me feel good, because it helped me realize (once again) that the truth is, no one except me really cares about the texture of my butt. Whether it looks like a perfectly smooth sheet stretched taut across a bed or a down-filled comforter thrown in a pile, my husband will still love me, my writing will still rock and I’ll still live a productive, fruitful life. Same goes for men and baldness. It just doesn’t matter. And hey, at least we’ve got Spanx. Much better than a toupee.

Just for fun:
Famous female baldies (OK, all temporary…)
Britney Spears 
Natalie Portman
Tyra Banks

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