tom_y: This as been going on for about two years.
DrBonnieWeil: Tom, this will help her to feel more open and safe and be able to admit it may be happening. Say that you love her and that you want to work it out with her. And tell her you know she has been detaching from you and that you will do whatever it takes, because you think the relationship is worth it. Now expect her to be provocative and angry if she has done it because it is just guilt, but don't respond to it in kind, respond to it with love.
tom_y: She is very judgmental -- may I give a concrete example?
DrBonnieWeil: Sure, Tom.
tom_y: On vacation in July (a family reunion) a bunch of us were having a small disagreement about where to go for dinner and I piped up with where I wanted to go. We went back to our rented house and she told me, "I hate you because you are so much like your father and I dread it when you come home."
DrBonnieWeil: Tom, in what way does she say you are like your father?
tom_y: I am not sure.
DrBonnieWeil: Tom, I think what you want to focus on is talking to her about what she dreads, to find out what she is looking for that she is not getting. Saying she dreads you coming home is serious. You both need to communicate. This is a very serious situation. Look to see if there are any other stressful situations going on in your lives right now and definitely seek counseling. The good news is that you are both talking a bit, because she is telling you there is something wrong. But seek counseling immediately.