Chat with Dr. Joan Irvine, author of Recipes for Hot Sex

Cmtdarden: Welcome Dr Joan to our chat.
Dr Joan: I believe it is important to allow yourself to do whatever is possible (within personal respect) to keep a relationship moving forward. So, I believe in romance and sexual romance and in my book I discuss the difference between men and women. Men want sex, sex and more sex and then to be told how good they are. As women, we want romance. This can create a problem or we can learn to work with this wonderful difference.
Cmtdarden: Dr Joan, I agree with you there.
barkley211: I seem to have developed anxiety over giving oral sex to my partner. I want to please him, but I am concerned about my technique and I just figure that it is easier just to avoid oral sex all together.
Dr Joan: Please don't do that! Oral sex is so important to men. In my book, I talk about different ways to do oral sex. First, use your hand on the base of the penis and only allow a small part of the head of the penis in your mouth. Do what is comfortable for you. Tell him how beautiful his penis is and how much you love it and he will be happy. What else can I help you with?
barkley211: Do you have any specific tips on movements to use?
Dr Joan: Yes, with your hand, move up and down the penis, much harder than you would think is comfortable and lick and suck on the head of the penis. Next question please.
barkley211: Thanks. Dr. Joan. I will try it out.
shawnamarie99: My partner and I haven't had sex in two months, and he says that nothing is wrong. I don't know if it is me or what. I thought, as you said, that men love sex, sex, sex. But I am starting to have anxiety about even trying to start anything with him in fear of being rejected, and it is affecting my self-esteem.
Dr Joan: How old are you?
shawnamarie99: I am 21, he is 28.
Dr Joan: Is he under a lot of pressure from work?
shawnamarie99: He did just get a promotion and is working a lot of hours, like 16 hours a day sometimes.
Dr Joan: This will do it for men -- stress and work interferes with their sex drive.
shawnamarie99: So what do I do Dr Joan?
Dr Joan: I would suggest that you set up a special night that is all sex.
shawnamarie99: I tried wearing a little sexy negligée the other night.
Dr Joan: If he objects, just hold him down and give him a massage and then lead into sex, perhaps, making love to his penis.
shawnamarie99: I give him back massages and stroke his back, but I don't get much out of it. Dr Joan: Then, just start to make love to his penis or start to play with yourself in front of him and FORCE him to watch you.
shawnamarie99: How can you make love to his penis when he is not into it, and he is rolled over. I even asked him really seductively to roll over, and he said he was comfortable the way he was. I am too embarrassed to play with myself. I am afraid he will think I am sick or something.
barkley211: I read that men are visually stimulated, so they like to watch!
Dr Joan: Have you told him how much you miss him making love with you? And barkley, you are RIGHT.
shawnamarie99: Well, I just asked the other night what was wrong with me and why he didn't want to make love to me anymore. He just asked me not to start. I don't know how I could start to touch myself in front of him.
Dr Joan: Find some time, any time, and reconnect! Do you watch adult movies together? Sometimes men don't know how to suggest this.
shawnamarie99: No, the idea has never come up. How could I get one though?
Cmtdarden: Shawn, just go to where they rent X-rated videos and ask for something not-too-hard porn.
shawnamarie99: I don't want to go to my local video store, people always watch you, sorry guys. Maybe I am just a prude or something.
Dr Joan: Ask him what his fantasy is and then do it if you feel comfortable. Any other suggestions from people?
OP temom: Do striptease for him.
Mizlizzy: Order an adult video, online or mail order.
Abob: There are plenty of somewhat erotic movies that are not "X-rated".
shawnamarie99: I think about doing all this stuff, but it scares me.
karenz99: Men really seem to like it when the woman brings an "enhancement."
Dr Joan: Remember: whatever is safe and consensual between adults is okay.
shawnamarie99: So you don't think that it is anything I have done to turn him off? You think that he is just under stress and it is normal for couples to go two months without sex?
Dr Joan: Dr. Patti has GREAT suggestions at But: Any more than two months and there's either a problem with him or somewhere else. Next question.
momofcutie1: My husband and I have been married for almost three years (in December). He works full-time and goes to school full-time. When he gets home it's crazy. He wants me, but is so tired he can't do anything. He works Saturdays too. I want to know how I can make coming home a little less stressful for him? There is more to it than just that, but that is the condensed version.
Dr Joan: Do you have children?
momofcutie1: Just one. She is asleep by the time he gets home.
Dr Joan: Then, forget dinner and just serve yourself for dinner. Give him a massage, a bath, whatever.
momofcutie1: I have tried. He says "I'm too tired, let me get more sleep, I have to drive."
Dr Joan: Then plan one time a week for pleasure and reconnecting. In the morning for instance. I love the morning, plus men are ready and it takes less time. Be careful about it becoming a pattern.
momofcutie1: I love him like crazy, he's just going through burnout. He doesn't want to do anything on the weekend either. It's killing me. I'm almost masculine in that way. I like it, I love it, I want more of it (sex).
Dr Joan: You need to schedule time for connecting and sex.
karenz99: Morning sex is nice 'cause you are already relaxed. Early morning cartoons can keep kids busy.
Dr Joan: Then as suggested before, just ask him to watch, ask him to kiss you as you pleasure yourself. If you need to use a vibrator, use it. Then you're at least getting some pleasure and he may JOIN YOU.
momofcutie1: True. Thank you for some new ideas.
abob: Okay -- first, I wish we would be careful about our statement regarding men wanting sex, sex, sex. As made obvious by this chat, sometimes it is the other way around. I think that blanket statement may make some of us women feel funny or wrong that the situation is reversed.
Dr Joan: I never intended that. I love sex with my partner.
Abob: I am in a 16-year marriage and my partner and I have three boys that are into every sport imaginable. We seem to have the same problem as the others: When do we find the time and energy for sex? Also, I am beyond just the bedroom.
Dr Joan: Abob, you are under stress and as I discuss on, women can have a low libido. But being beyond the bedroom in my practice means having a problem in the relationship. When couples come to me when there is no sex, there is something missing from one side and it's just been put aside and it creates problems down the road. Two years or 16 or 25 years, I hear the same concern, a lack of some type of intimacy creates a problem. Abob, what do you and your husband do for intimacy?
Abob: Besides sex in the bedroom ... nothing ... that is what I am talking about ... that is what is missing.
lanan99: Yes -- I have been married for 13 years. I have two kids, my husband has a successful business, but I am just not happy. I have no sexual desire for my husband at all. But I frequently fantasize about other men I know. What could be wrong with me? I know I love my husband.
Dr Joan: First of all, how old are you?
lanan99: 33.
Dr Joan: Low libido can be a problem with women. There are books I can recommend by Christine Ferrere and Judith Riechman.
lanan99: If it's that -- why would I think about the other men all of the time?
Dr Joan: Fantasizing about other men is normal. There is nothing wrong with that. Read about these books on and take time for yourself and your husband, plan time for sex and tell your husband what you want. Forget dinner, have sex with your husband and order take-out Does this help?
lanan99: I'll try it -- I'd try anything at this point. Thanks.
dnax2: I have 11-month-old twins and have basically no desire. How do I get back into the groove? My spouse is getting discouraged.
Dr Joan: Dnax, as I mentioned before, low libido can cause problems. Check with your doctor or read the current books on this issue or try herbal formulas. Low libido causes so many problems in a relationship. When I was interviewed by Barbara Walters on The View, there was a couple with the same problem. Their sex life went from three times a week to once a month after the birth of their child and he was not happy. Take time, do what you need for yourself and your relationship.
dnax2: Herbal formulas, hmmm. I'll try. Thanks.
Dr Joan: I list a good herbal formula on
karenz99: Great chat! I mentioned fantasy role playing with respect to spicing things up and I saw a few more bits about it. Is it a successful way to shake up things between the sheets or is it something that couples who are having trouble should stay away from?
Dr Joan: I think sex and something new HELPS a relationship. So many times, it creates a new way to communicate and so many times, sex is the problem, one partner wants more or different and the other partner doesn't do this.
karenz99: Can too much role playing suggest that there is something wrong?
Dr Joan: So get a video, a new toy, and no, role playing is good unless one of you feels uncomfortable.
karenz99: Well, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone....
Dr Joan: And I always recommend that you let go of the old way of thinking and try new things in a relationship -- variety is the spice of life. What is safe and consensual between adults is okay and helps a relationship. I give my partner a bubble bath and wash his hair and he is in heaven.
OP_Temom: Thank you so much for coming Dr. Irvine. It was truly a pleasure.
Cmtdarden: Dr Joan, thank you.

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