Chat with John Gottman

John_Gottman: In 30 percent of the cases it doesn't happen. Your husband needs to make the same kind of change that you've made as a mother. He hasn't grown up with you. Reach out and contact him -- rebuild your knowledge of one another and make time for the relationship, not just as parents but as husband and wife.

chelseahas2cuties: But I don't even enjoy being around him anymore, we have nothing in common except the girls.

John_Gottman: Chelsea, that's a very serious complaint. If you want to stay married I suggest therapy -- if all you have in common is your girls you'll need to rebuild the relationship from the ground up. Being here is a start but you need to consider that your marriage is in a state of crisis.

Karicarey: I am married to a man who has very low self-esteem and has or currently uses Internet porn.

John_Gottman: Kari, does his use of this bother you?

Karicarey: Very much so, it interferes with anything intimate.

John_Gottman: How is his low self-esteem a problem for you, Kari?

Karicarey: He never knows what needs to be done, and he really expects me to love him like I love my kids (from a previous marriage). I can't seem to do that.

John_Gottman: Kari, the problem sounds like it's deeper than low self-esteem. First of all, it sounds like he's not really a partner with you if he doesn't know what needs to be done in your relationship.

Karicarey: He is not my partner, and I've really tried explaining what I and we need.

John_Gottman: He is relying on you like a child would a mother -- for guidance. And you see his use of porn as a betrayal. You need to confront him on both issues and see what is going on or you won't be able to have an intimate relationship.

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