Chat with John Gottman

wondermom97: My husband is so wrapped up in his work and the people at work that it's destroying our marriage. How can I save it?

John_Gottman: Wondermom, you have to tell your husband how unhappy you are with his being so involved with his work that he doesn't have any time or energy left for his family.

wondermom97: I have, but it seems I'm talking to a wall.

John_Gottman: A wall is an obstacle, not a husband.

wondermom97: He also has a lady friend at work. He says that all they're all friends. I do trust him but it seems that she keeps getting involved in his life. He also says he doesn't love me like he used too.

John_Gottman: Wondermom, chances are you're living in an abusive relationship in which your husband's lack of involvement in your marriage, and involvement with someone else (whether sexual or not) reduces you to a state of powerlessness. If you continue to accept this role, you have only yourself to blame.

wondermom97: He still wants to live together, for our son's sake.

John_Gottman: Wondermom, you're not doing your son any favors by showing him the pattern of a relationship in which you do not have any shred of dignity.

CYNDI.J: What are the signs that a marriage is going well? I feel my husband and I have a good, strong marriage. Every once in a while, he starts going out with his friends and staying out late without calling -- a huge pet peeve of mine. He only does it like every other month or so, and I have to tighten his leash again. Why does he do that? He lies about it to me, knowing very well that I always catch him. At these times I feel like I'm dealing with a seven-year-old, not an adult. He will go out with his friends three times in one week. He tells me that he's going out with one friend when he is actually going to meet up with other friends. I don't tell him he can or can't go, so I see no reason for the lying. I'm his wife, not his mother.

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