Out of Order: Your Guy's Performance Problems

How to react in a way that will help resolve the issues

He seems uninterested.

The problem:

Because most men believe that a permanent, raging erection is a sign of “being a man,” it can feel emasculating and confusing when, for example, seeing your breasts doesn't make him instantly want to have sex with you. But don't dive in right away with the third degree of “What's wrong?” questioning; he'll be sensitive about it. What will be effective, however, is waiting until you're both in good moods and saying, “Honey, I've noticed you don't want sex as often as you used to. Are you feeling stressed at the moment? I love/d our sex life and I miss it.” This is a non-judgemental way to start up a real conversation, and it's relatively easy to take it from there. Vow to listen properly and don't take any of it personally. Repeat back in your own words what he says to you to ensure there's no confusion.

Action plan:

  • If there's an obvious emotional problem -- stress levels through the roof, grieving over the loss of a parent, fears you don't love him anymore -- talking can often being reassuring. Plan a vacation if he's super-stressed, or offer up some (non-sexual) back massages and pamper time. Try to de-stress his life and make it clear you're happy with quick sex sessions which take less time and energy.
  • If the issue seems physically based, ask him to visit his doctor to get a full exam. The doctor will need to look at what his lifestyle, general health and medications to see what effect it's all having on his body. And yes, this exam will involve him telling the truth about his lifestyle, including any recreational drug use and excessive drinking or smoking.
  • If he gets the all-clear from his doctor he might be given tests to check his testosterone level. Testosterone is responsible for his sex drive and it drops by 15% each decade from age 40 onward. You have three choices to give it a boost: Choose from a pill, patch or injection. He also must have his prostate checked for medical reasons.
  • Is he simply bored? When was the last time you tried something new? Are you both putting real effort in to keep things interesting? While the worst thing you can do is react to loss of desire by going overboard on the seduction techniques, a quiet but thorough overhaul of a predictable sex life can often work wonders.
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