Is cybersex really cheating?
Dear Dr. Patti:
My husband has an addiction to porn on the Internet. I have been told that this is very dangerous. I feel that his obsession with this type of sexual behavior is a form of adultery, and to say the least I feel betrayed. I have put down an ultimatum in writing, me or the computer! Do I stand a chance? --N
Dear N:
First, know that this is a controversial issue, one that even professionals in psychology and sexology debate. Is there such a thing as Internet addiction? Despite the new diagnosis by the American Psychological Association that a person who is online for a certain number of hours a week can be deemed an "Internet addict," there are varying views on what that really means.
If you and your husband were to discuss this, I imagine that each of you would have a slightly, if not wholly, different spin on his use of porn on the Net. The most important aspect of his using adult materials for entertainment from the Internet or other sources is, what does that mean to your relationship? If it's a symptom of his unmet needs in the bedroom, then it's high time to talk about that. If it's a compulsion that drives his interest, then he needs to take a break from this fantasy imagery and his cyber-sexual practices and get back to real time with you.
I get the sense that he is having cyberaffairs online, which make you feel like there is adultery going on. Words can be very powerful, and if you feel that there is cheating going on that takes his love, interest and eroticism elsewhere, then it is cheating. If he cannot understand that this is hurting you and your marriage, even with a written ultimatum stating that it's "our headboard or the keyboard," then you have some serious decision-making to do regarding your future.
Two books you might want to check out are Caught in the Net, by Kimberly Young, which discusses symptoms and treatment for Internet addicts, and Addiction and Grace, by Dr. Gerald May, for addictions in general.
Like many other self-help programs, or ones that require paying a professional, the person using Net porn must acknowledge that he or she has a problem. But it's up to you to set and then keep stringent boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in your marital agreements.
