Dealing with an Emotionally Abusive Man

ON Jan 1, 1999 at 12:00PM

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Dear Sherry:

My boyfriend of three years is always insulting me or trying to get me angry on purpose to see my reaction. Why does he do this? It is very painful, and my self-esteem is dead because of it.

Kathy

Question:
ABOUT THE EXPERT

Sherry Amatenstein

Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more

Dear Kathy:

Anyone who gets his rocks off hurting someone -- especially someone he allegedly loves -- is obviously an insecure, rage-filled lost soul. Why else would he need to say and do such awful things to you?

Does he know how bad his callous remarks make you feel? If, for some reason, he's unaware that his words carry such weight, then you need to tell him. You should say something like, "You know, your comments really hurt my feelings. So, if you care about me -- stop it."

If he does know the effect of his diatribes, yet continues the ill treatment, there's only one thing to do. Dump him. Don't delay. Do it the way you rip off a Band-Aid: in one quick (albeit painful) motion.

Only when this sadist is out of your life can you regain perspective and see that his insults and provocations say nothing about your personality and everything about his. A man who truly knows how to love will build his girlfriend's self-esteem up, not tear it down.

But don't instantly jump into a new romance. First look to the reasons you stayed for so long in such an unhealthy relationship. Do some self-reflection now and you're much less likely to get involved with a mirror image of your ex.

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