Desperate Housewives Recap: March 4

A week after the Oscars' Desperate Housewives blackout, the trials and tribulations of the residents of Wisteria Lane were back with a vengeance.

The show was narrated posthumously once again, but this time, not by a housewife but by Rex Van de Kamp.

As the point-of-view camera "walked" us through Rex's home and revealed Bree's husband Orson preparing to go on their postponed honeymoon, Rex said, "let's talk about the men."

We saw Carlos looking at the online profile of a woman. Tom at his new pizza parlor...

Double Meanings

The show was characterized by great one-liners (a plaintive Tom told wife Lynette that he ALWAYS gets sex on their anniversary, to which she replied, "We can still have sex. Just try not to wake me.") Also plays on words and innuendo (Mayoral candidate Victor Lang invited Gaby to dinner, saying, "I'll treat you,"to which she responded, "It would be YOUR treat. I'm a hot date." He proposed the restaurant Cucina, saying, "there's no place harder to get into." Gaby: "That's what YOU think.")

Size Matters

An unspecting Susan sat in her robe eating breakfast and was greeted by the debonair Ian with a wedding ring. As he opened the jewelry case, Susan gushed, "Rock me! Oh, it's so beautiful! The ring then slid off her finger and crashed to the floor. "It's okay," she said, "I can get it resized."

Fast forward to the jewelry shop where the star-crossed lovers just happened to arrive at the same time, Mike, to return the ring that he had bought for Susan, (the ring inscribed, “Susan. Be mine forever. Mike.”), Susan to fix the sizing of her ring. Saleswoman to Susan, “Do you know your size?” Susan responded, “No.” When the saleswoman couldn’t find her sizer, the solution was for Susan to try on the ring Mike was returning. Saleswoman: “How does that fit?” Susan: “It’s perfect.” Mike and Susan looked meaningfully at each other. The saleswoman had to prompt Susan to take Mike’s ring off her finger.

Later, as the men of Wisteria Lane congregated at Tom and Lynette’s pizza parlor for a game of poker, Mike taunted Ian for getting Susan a ring that was too large. Then he told Ian, “your stack’s looking kind of small.” The tension in the room was high as Mike was ON to Ian. He realized it was no coincidence that Ian was rushing to propose to Susan so quickly. Having gone to the hospital to reclaim his things and seen the inscription in the ring he had bought for Susan, Mike remembered the past history that they had.

Father Figures
There have been many sides of Carlos: Mr. Materialism…Mr. Religion…Mr. Cheater…Mr. Ex-Husband/Protector. And in this episode: responsible adult and father figure. When Edie swung by to ask if Carlos would babysit for her son Travers, Carlos declined on account of his hot date with a woman he had “met” online. Yet as said woman made the moves on him, he couldn’t carry on, instead rescuing Travers from playing basketball in the street at night. A drunk Edie showed up later at Carlos’s doorstep and he told her to come and get her son in the morning when she was sober. That next morning portrayed Edie in a more sympathetic light than her usual brazen persona. We learned that Edie had had her child and realized she was in over her head and thus had given her husband custody so that her son would have the best shot that he could.

Romance Isn't Dead
An exhausted Lynette told husband Tom that she had cancelled their traditional anniversary dinner at Chez Nous because all she wanted was to pawn off the kids, take a bath, and be in bed by 8. While Tom agreed to this, he had a change of heart and decided to plan an incredible, romantic evening for them instead. A limo to pick her up…a dozen rozes….a red dress…a horse-drawn carriage…dinner for two…culminating in hot sex. Since they work together, Lynette overheard Tom making the arrangements and prevailed upon him to cancel them all. He did, save one (the limo) and so we later saw poor Lynette stranded in the country in her ravishing red dress, clutching her passion-red roses, shivering, chattering, and furious. We learned she even saw a coyote. As they later ordered cups of coffee at some local diner, Tom told Lynette, “No more surprises. From now on I’ll do exactly what you say.” Lynette then said, “Don’t you dare. I realized that the only thing worse than going through the motions is not even bothering to go through the motions.”

The Honeymoon's over and It Hasn't Begun
Turns out Austin impregnated Bree’s daughter, Danielle…so Orson and Bree hatched a plan for Danielle to join them on their honeymoon and then take a year abroad…as long as Austin left town immediately. Austin was crushed, because he’d just persuaded Julie to give him a second chance. He stopped by to say goodbye and they shared one chaste kiss.

Like mother like daughter. The two “good girls” were thwarted in their romantic quests (Julie & Austin and Susan & Mike). Mike was sworn to secrecy since Ian had won at poker and a deal was a deal. Susan asked her conquering hero, “How was the game?” Ian said, “I won” (and we know he meant at so much more).

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