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“Talk dirty to me,” I whispered to my then boyfriend. We were a few months into the relationship (about the right time, by the way, to introduce something like this), we'd just seen a film with some decidedly sexy scenes and we had a few gin and tonics under our belts. I was in a “what-the-heck-let's-spice-things-up” kind of mood, delivering the line in what I considered a sexy, deep, guttural voice.
“Umm, okay,” he said nervously, his voice doing the opposite to mine and suddenly lifting a few octaves (not a good sign). Then he cleared his throat, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down… while other previously excited body parts just went, well, down. “I'm going to…I'm going to put my…um…penis? Is that okay or should I be dirtier?…Inside your um…Shoot, what do I call it? Girls don't like certain words do they.” (No, we don't, but when someone asks you to talk dirty, it's like getting a hall pass.) A pause, then…”Actually, first I'm going to take a shower and make sure everything is really clean, taking particular care to clean under my foreskin and then, of course, I'm going to pull on a condom…”
Not quite what I had in mind.
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