Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Sex Therapist for Couples on iVillage

I've been married for almost two years now and still haven't had an orgasm. It didn't bother me at first because I suspected that as we got to know each other, things would fall into place. I have told my husband I would like him to read a book on "how to please your wife," but he won't. (I think he's embarrassed or too full of pride.)

When we have sex he stimulates me for just a few minutes, then gets into his own orgasm and forgets about me. We dated for five years before we got married and I was a virgin until our wedding night, so part of me wonders if I blocked my sexual feelings for so long that I can't get aroused quickly now. Is there any advice on how to help him slow down during foreplay so I can actually start getting aroused? Where should he touch me, and how can he get into my pleasure?


Ruth Westheimer

The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for more than 20 years. She's hosted television shows including Sexually Speaking with Dr.... Read more

First of all, stop blaming yourself. Most women need longer than five minutes of foreplay to become aroused to the point where they can have an orgasm, so if you require such stimulation, that's just the way it is. Now, if he doesn't know this, then you have to explain it to him. If he loves you, he should want to please you and do whatever it takes to help you have an orgasm. He waited five years to have intercourse with you, so I can't believe he can't wait a few minutes more to enter you each time you make love.

Finally, you mention these books, such as my Sex for Dummies, so why don't you just go out and buy one and put it on his pillow? He may not read it while you're around, but my guess is that he will read it when the opportunity presents itself.

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