Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Sex Therapist for Couples on iVillage

ON Aug 12, 2003 at 2:09AM

Is it normal to have crushes, even though I'm married? I have a happy marriage, but I'm finding myself very attracted to a coworker. How should I handle it?

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ABOUT THE EXPERT

Ruth Westheimer

The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for more than 20 years. She's hosted television shows including Sexually Speaking with Dr.... Read more

While I don't like the word "normal," I do think crushes are common. A crush comes with certain feelings that often disappear after two people have been together for some time. If someone else causes you to have these feelings, you would naturally want to continue experiencing them. But you could compare a crush to a quart of ice cream. Yes, it's enticing, but you know there will be consequences if you keep dipping your spoon into the container -- and you must stop yourself after a few mouthfuls. Is it okay to indulge yourself for a little while? I would say yes, as long as you don't let the other person know how you feel -- and if you pull back after a relatively short time. If you allow yourself to indulge in this crush over a longer period, and if you let the other party know your feelings, you will put your marriage at great risk.

One aspect of being a grown-up is being able to exercise self-control. That's why we recommend young people wait to get married -- they are not always ready to keep their commitments. If you are having serious difficulties with your marriage, you should try to resolve them (if you can't, you may have to divorce). But if you are just indulging yourself with some fantasies about a coworker, then I suggest you develop the strength of character to stop these fantasies before they get you into trouble.

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