Men, Run for the Hills! E.L. James Just Introduced 50 Shades Wine

Just imagine how hot and bothered ladies across America will be after a few glasses of Red Satin or White Silk (yup, that's what the wines are called)

This is how you become gabillionaire, folks: First you pen a series that dethrowns Harry Potter in sales, then you have a pure stroke of marketing genius and come out with a line of wine based on said books. At least that’s what 50 Shades of Grey author, E.L. James has done.

"Wine plays an important role in Fifty Shades of Grey, reflecting the sensuality that pervades every encounter between Anastasia and Christian. I've always had a penchant for good wine, so helping to create the blends Red Satin and White Silk felt like a natural extension of the Fifty Shades Trilogy. I hope all of you curl up with a glass to savor the romance and the passion," says James on fiftyshadeswine.com.

Well, if she’s got a “penchant for good wine” she’s surely not showcasing it here or sharing it with her readers. The descriptions of the wine sound dated, cheesy and a little bit nauseating.

The White Silk is a Gewurztraminer/Sauvignon Blanc blend that supposedly tastes like “lychee, honey, grapefruit, lush pear, with a hint of butterscotch.” Um, that sounds like a spray they sell at Bath and Body Works. The Red Satin is a Petite Sirah/Syrah blend that tastes like black cherry, creamy caramel, vanilla, leather and clove spice. Am I drinking a Yankee candle?

The bottles aren’t cheap either. At $17.99 per bottle plus shipping, you could go to the liquor store and buy yourself something much nicer.

But I understand, it’s for the experience. After all, nobody goes into a Hardrock Café expecting good food. Maybe drinking James’s wine makes you feel naughtier. It’s certainly a little taboo -- can you imagine all the kids coming home to find 50 Shades of Grey Wine on the dinner table?!

But what we’re really excited about is all the other 50 Shades of crap we can buy: The classical music album, the sex toys, the keychains…The possibilities are endless -- what’s next? How about a seafood restaurant? Sex workshops? Theme parks? We wait with bated breath, E.L.

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