The Cannes Kids finally make it to the Cannes film festival. The very cheesy opening shows us the entire Cannes “scene.” Between Ari saying, not once but twice, that he is master of the universe; the very large penis ice sculpture standing next to Lloyd and the harem of “loose” women during this episode, I must say that the writers have outdone themselves. Even more interesting is that Drama is the one I love in the end.
So, the crew tries to stay positive during this episode about the fate of Medellin. Again, Vince says that he needs E to believe in the film and that it will sell. No one is convinced of E’s interest or enthusiasm. At the hotel, while Vince, E and Turtle get the dream suite, Drama’s room is unavailable because the hotel has no record of his reservation. Drama also continually refers to Viking Quest, his first television series that no one seems to remember, except for one beautiful woman he meets later on at Yair Marx’s party. More on that later. If you recall, Yair was to be the Medellin producer, but after a weird sexual to-do with his wife, Vince and crew left Yair’s money at the table. Yair shows up at the hotel and invites them to the party. He explains that he wants to buy Medellin so that his new distribution company can put out the film.
The party is really tacky. People are actually doing the Macarena. Hmm. This doesn’t seem to be France in 2007 but rather Venezuela in like the mid-90s. Yair hands Turtle a pretty girl and Drama meets his princess who actually has a family obsessed with Viking Quest. She, of course (sarcasm), wants to get in bed with Drama. Fame tends to blind people. But I digress. Johnny takes the girl back to his hotel room, which is finally ready, but it is less than the ocean front dream room. Johnny is not happy with this and tells her to wait right there while he fights it out with management. They end up throwing him out of the hotel, and he has no access to this woman he now claims he’s in love with.
Meanwhile, Yair sits Vince, E, Walsh and Ari down and offers them $35 million, which would pay the boys back for the entire budget of the film. He even tries to bribe them with gold Rolexes, which Walsh scoffs at. They are not entirely thrilled with it being distributed by a no-name. By the way, Nicki Rubenstein, their producer, is out of jail and on house arrest (which doesn’t stop him from hiring two prostitutes who do cocaine on his bed naked. I can’t stop thinking of him as the Hebrew Hammer.) Anyway, Nicki has paid for the guys to go to Cannes to sell the film and has essentially forced them to go to that party. Nicki is very antsy about selling and wants to sell quickly to Yair who has made a wonderful offer for a film that hasn’t been screened by anyone yet.
Billy Walsh is adamant that a real studio pick it up. Cue Dana Gordon. Ari meets Dana at the press conference for Medellin and tells her that there’s been an offer (sans dollar figure). At a café, he woos her a little more, and she comes to the table with fifteen million dollars. They basically laugh in her face. At this point, I think that Ari is doing a stellar job at negotiating because he’s ready to turn down a thirty-five million dollar offer because he believes he can woo another few million out of a real studio. Again, no one has seen Medellin yet. Vince has absolutely no negotiating skills whatsoever and tells Dana the actual offer number and Ari begs him not to tell who made the offer. Dana would have “snarfed” her orange juice at the café if she knew Yair Marx wanted the script. (Note, snarf is the term my friends used when I once laughed so hard, I snorted, and my soda came out my nose.) They finally push her to match the current offer, and they all seem very excited.
While all this negotiating has been going on, Johnny has been roaming the streets of Cannes for his new love and ends up at Yair’s yacht. Turtle calls Johnny while they’re out making the deal with Dana and tells him that Dana’s studio offered fifty million dollars, which Drama stupidly and immediately tells Yair. Ten seconds later, at the same café where the boys and Dana are toasting their distribution deal, Ari gets a call from Nicki, who has just accepted seventy-five million dollars from Yair for Medellin . Wow, they move fast.
I wonder if all screenings of films at Cannes are this grandiose. They might as well have played the Rocky theme song as they walked up the long set of stairs. At the screening, we see clips of the film. From the looks on the faces in the audience, it seems pretty horrendous. Ari even falls asleep! No one claps when the film was done, and I think we hear some booing. Dana leans over and says to Ari, “Thanks for not selling me this movie,” and Yair leans over and says something I can’t write on this family-friendly website. (We can conclude, though, that they’ve told Dana she can’t have the film now and that Yair is backing out of the deal.) Walsh also jumps on the stage and yells at the audience for leaving during the credits. The boys just laugh it up and let Harvey, their arch-nemesis, buy the film for a dollar and see what comes of it.
At the screening, Johnny finds his lady friend and they whisk themselves away to the beach where they end up having sex for hours. After the flop of a screening, everyone is talking about and running to see Johnny on the beach. They all clap and chear. I think it’s great that a thirty five million dollar film gets less ovation than a mere sex scene on a beach. Regardless, I’m glad Johnny had his moment. Are the tides turning? Will Drama be the new Vince next season? Doubtful.