Equal Time for Oral Sex

Dear Dr. Patti:

For the past 3 years of my 6-1/2-year marriage, my sex life has stunk. My husband always wants oral sex to get him in the mood. I don't mind using oral sex as foreplay, but not when it's every single time -- it gets boring. And it's not equal. He wants oral sex every time we have sex, while I get it only twice a year. When I mention this to him, he replies, "Oh, you don't do it every time." Do you have any advice that could help me get my husband to listen to me about this subject?



Dear X:

Other than using a 2x4 to make your point, I suggest that you sit him down for a heart-to-heart about your reality as a sexual pair. You might keep a daily log for a couple of weeks of what is taking place between you sexually, especially the use of fellatio (oral sex on him). Perhaps if you show him the "facts" he may begin to listen up and snap out of his denial.

Many men enjoy oral sex as a major precursor to sexual sharing. But unless this is something that you also enjoy as your sexual turn-on, his insistence borders on sexual coercion and may result in your shutting down all sexual interest altogether. That's a risk well worth avoiding. Try to find a way to tell him that, without threatening or giving him an ultimatum. Use a caring, sensitive and warm approach to sharing your wants and concerns with him.

As a creative solution, I would encourage the two of you to consider using oral sex as a foundation for mutual pleasuring. You might even make it playful and fun and post a chart in your bedroom to allow fair play and equal time. Make it cute, sexy and upbeat. Give extra points for extra time or spontaneous acts. Offer innovative rewards (an extra blowjob before that important meeting) so that he feels that you are both winners and that this is an enhancing part of your sexual relationship.

If all that fails, know that your refusal to participate is the ultimate power play. You are in charge of what you decide to do sexually with him or any other partner. Choose well how you handle sharing your body, eroticism and energy. Give it a chance, and find a way to make it light.

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