Exhausted by Marathon Sex: Why Does it Take Him So Long?
Dear Dr. Patti:
A lot of women would love to have this problem, but it's driving me crazy. It takes my boyfriend on average about 45 minutes to an hour to reach orgasm during sex. Oral sex takes even longer. Is there anything I can do to kind of speed up this process? At first it was great, but after two orgasms I find myself getting sore or bored.
A
Dear A:
Studies show that just under one out of 10 men have this problem, often called delayed or retarded ejaculation or inhibited orgasm. As with any physical aspect of sexual expression that's getting in the way, his first step is to rule out any physical causes by seeing a competent urologist.
I suspect that he might have spent much of his formative years pleasuring himself in his own way and hasn't learned how to make the translation to a partner's touch. Often men experience this condition because of a range of psychological reasons: lack of trust in women, religious values, fear of rejection, intimacy avoidance, fear of being abandoned, maternal dominance or fear of getting a woman pregnant. These men may have internalized their feelings of discomfort, and what eventually happens is that they are unable to let go in the presence of their lover.
You now have the right and responsibility to support him in healing whatever factors are troubling him, ideally with the help of a skilled sex counselor or therapist. Sometimes these issues run deep and require delicate emotional digging to unearth. I suggest that the two of you talk about what you want from your relationship, how you are feeling and what might be bothering him. I also encourage you to tell him how you are feeling. Many women find that this situation makes them feel inadequate to please their man, which is usually not the case at all.
I also suggest that, when it's time for his orgasm, he take charge and do the job himself if a shared encounter will not do. And, to combat your own soreness, it's certainly time to get your hands on one of the excellent sexual lubricants of the market, such as Probe, Astroglide or Erogel (the latter of which is made by the institute where I am on faculty; 415-928-1133). Erogel contains not only slippery stuff but also topical microbial protection to stifle disease transmission and kill sperm on contact. Now, go openly into that territory of open sharing and support, and have faith that with enough love and talking about it, you two can find release.
