Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/Getty Images
Fantasia Barrino has admitted what police reported two weeks ago: that her drug overdose was no accident. People reports that in a VH1 Behind the Music special airing tomorrow, the former American Idol champ comes clean about why she attempted suicide.
"I didn't have any fight in me. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted out," explains the mother of 6-year-old daughter Zion. "At that moment, I wanted out. I wanted it to be over with – all of it, all of that (expletive)."
"I just sat in the closet and looked at the mirror and took all the pills in the bottle," says Barrino, 26. "I wanted to go to sleep and just be at peace. I knew exactly what I was doing. You can't accidentally take a whole bottle of pills."
Barrino says there were a number of things that brought her to that dark place. "I was tired of people doing me wrong, constantly, over and over again," she says. "Dealing with my family -- my father, dealing with men and their (expletive) – I was tired. My head was hurting me. I was over it."
One man in particular Barrino has had to deal with rather publicly is Antwuan Cook, whom the singer allegedly had an affair with (and whose estranged wife Paula Cook is currently threatening Barrino with a lawsuit). "When I met him, he was separated ... wasn't living in his home," Barrino says. "He didn't want to be back with his wife – that is what I was told."
Luckily a fateful text message the star sent to her manager Brian Dickens, ended up saving her life. "Her emotions were extremely low," Dickens recalls. "She'd been crying all day. Fantasia was just numb. Fantasia texted me, saying 'I love you.' I wrote back, 'I love you more.' Then it hit me. I wrote, 'You better not do anything or think about doing anything stupid.' And I left it at that. About 10 minutes later, Fantasia texted me back, and she said, 'Already did.' I went into Fantasia's room and saw her on the floor, and my heart just dropped."
Barrino admits that at first she was disappointed that she had survived -- but a special nurse at the hospital helped her change her perspective. "I remember waking up in the hospital (and thinking), 'It didn't work, I'm still here in this hellhole. Still here with all this drama going on,'" the singer says. "My nurse Melanie was a blessing into my life because she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. She told me what I needed to hear. And she looked at me and said, 'You gotta get up, and you've gotta get out of here, 'cause you haven't fulfilled your destiny.'"
Now that she's made it through such a dark place, Barrino says she never wants to return. "I realized how people end up in the grave," she says. "Because that one moment of just breaking or feeling like I can't, I can't go on, it's too heavy. That was somewhere I don't ever want to go again."
Fantasia Barrino's VH1 Behind the Music special airs Tuesday, Aug. 24 at 9 p.m. -- the same day as the release of her new album, Back To Me.
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