Fantasy Sex vs. Real Sex
Since I was young boy (13 years), I have experimented with sexual gratification through pornography and phone sex. I have now been married for two years. I thought my addiction to phone sex in particular would end after I was married and had a normal sex life going. But I still would trade sex with my wife for phone sex or porn. Sometimes I will even masturbate instead of having sex with my wife. Now I am seeking a therapist for this problem, because my marriage is in jeopardy. Do you have any insight into my problem? --iVillager H
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Dear H:
Well, certainly you are humble enough to know yourself and speak honestly about your problem. It is a problem when it gets in the way of a real, authentic relationship, which is what you have with your wife.
I am happy to learn that you are seeking the professional help of a qualified therapist. If after your initial treatment period you do not find a change for the better with this new therapist, you may want to seek someone who is sexologically certified, through the office for the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Sexologists have specialized training in human sexual behavior that allows them to zero in on what caused your pattern and how to amend it.
Next Page: How Professionals Can Help
As a sexologist myself, it is my sense that the arousal cues single men and adolescent boys use when masturbating do not "translate" into partner sex. This is what is happening to you. However, there are many techniques that professional therapists often use to correct this problem. (And while none of these treatments are meant to be carried out without the guidance of a qualified professional, I hope that learning more about how experts deal with these problems may help you with your own recovery.) The first is reconditioning the so-called negative or troubling patterns, such as images of naked women or the interaction with a stranger's voice on the telephone. One way to do that is to honor and recognize that these are in fact only fantasies, not a substitute for the real thing -- a live human with flesh on the bones, gray matter between the temples and a personality with a loving heart inside. It can take time, but many men learn to use their dependencies on girlie shots or talking-dirty sessions as a kick-start to prep them for genuine action in bed.
If you continue with psychological reconditioning, one of the options for your "cure" will be to become desensitized to the appeal of the arousal cues in porn. As a sexolgist, I know of two paths that therapists often use to achieve this. One is to create a repelling association with those images or the phone sex activities. The other is to flood yourself with those images and sounds until you sort of can't stand it any more -- the case of more may not be better.
A sex therapist might suggest working on a desensitization exercise like this: When you look at the screen or hear the words (real or imagined) of a phone sex exchange, visualize something horrible or imagine something disgusting. I once worked with a young woman who had a troubling fantasy. When she replaced this fantasy with the picture in her mind of -- here we go now -- maggots or dripping blood, it stopped her thinking that thought. Such use of aversive conditioning may be what the doctor orders for you.
My one concern about banning something you really desire or get such a charge from is that if you push it away it could gain in attraction for you. So talk it over with your therapist, look within, share this with your loved one to enlist her in your healing process, and keep the faith that you can overcome this.
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